I’ve been thinking a lot about my engagement. Why I want to do this and how much I love him…and it’s a lot to take in. So thinking. Lots of it. It’s been about 4 months in and I feel like I’ve gotten slammed for it a lot just because of my age. I’m supposed to be the studious one in my family right? The one on the medical path, the one who’s career driven, the one who will support this breaking family. There’s a lot on my shoulders and I think no one ever expected me to fall in love. They can’t see my happiness beyond the books and the school. As if my joy comes only from one source. They look at me and think they’ve got me all figured out: she’s the girl who ain’t got no time for boys, she’s the good girl whose parents must be proud because she’s smart and going to med school.
Actually they are proud of me. But not just for aiming for med school. It’s not my parents I’m worried about. I’m worried about my insecurities and how I’m easily hurt by the words of others. My mom wants me to be more confident in myself and just to live my life ignoring everyone else’s criticism. But I hear them anyways. I’m not that obedient I guess haha…
They say I’m too young, I’m naive in love and life, they laugh at me and call me stupid. They say I’m going to be the one who never finished school because she dropped out for a man and child. They say I’m not going to make it to medical school and that I’ll give it up. They say I’m trying to escape my family, that something must be wrong for me to get married right after college. That I’m running from something. They say I’m not going to be a reliable daughter for my sick mother. That I’m abandoning my family. They say I’m foolishly lovestruck and that I’m going to have my heart broken. They say my marriage won’t last two years, that I’m just going to get a divorce anyways.
They say a lot. And it’s not like these things aren’t possibilities. I’ve thought about these things too. But talking to a close friend of mine, I realized that all of this is just a test. If I crumble now what does that say about my conviction to marry this man. What does it say about my will and my strength. It would say I’m weak and that I run away easily. So I guess I have to prove them wrong. Ten years down the road when I’m happily married they’ll say other things or they’ll keep criticizing me. Because that’s what they do. They want to bring me down to their level and say that there’s nothing different between me and them. That I will go through the same unhappiness they went through, that I’ll be the cliche story of the girl who got married too early. They want me to be the bedtime story for their kids to learn what not to do. But not everyone ends up with a typical ending.
Yes, im taking a chance but why not follow my heart. Why not try for happiness. For me, marrying him feels right. My life path isn’t the standard one and it’s definitely not going to be easy. Hell, it’s never been easy. But it’s easier with him here. And I’ve been happier sharing my life with someone who understands my life story and wants to share his with me. I love how we can talk for hours even after spending days together doing nothing. How he’ll bake cookies for me when I’m sad. And take me out for sushi to celebrate the death of my brain that is the MCAT. I love it when he tells me about the small things that tick him off and when he geeks out about his passions. I love how we can sit for hours gaming and laughing at little things, how I can talk to him about my faith and my beliefs. I love how we can argue and always talk it out without yelling and petty attacks. How we can pick on each other and then switch immediately into deep conversations. I love his quirks and insecurities, how he’s shy around others but so open with me. But most of all, I love how we can always bring each other back when we turn into our worst demons. How his voice calls me back to reality, away from the delusion that my mind makes and how easy it is to let myself feel safe for once.
It’s as if the stars have met and collided to make a new star. Two people with two completely different lives somehow came together that night. And somehow we didn’t die. Because God knows this could have gone in so many different ways but I took that risk and I’m going to take this risk too. So hopefully, hand in hand, we can go forward with God watching over us, until we can’t go any further, until we are both laid to rest.