shesaseeker

When I stopped blaming my vagina

When us women feel an overdose of emotion, it’s easier just to lay the blame on the monthly plight of our vaginas. 

But for the last few months, I’ve been mostly unhappy, on a torturous spiral, thinking that I knew what I wanted, pretending I knew what I was doing, realising I was doing nothing about all that I knew, knowing all along that I had no clue of what I knew. This was an issue much bigger than my lady part.

As a little girl, I had BIG dreams. I thought I could do everything. As I grew older, I lost my imagination and my ability to dream. You know why?! Not because I became realistic that life is a bitch, and you can’t always get what you dreamed of. No. It was all because of self doubt.

I’m almost 24, and I’m saying FUCK OFF SELF DOUBT, let me dream! I would never welcome a guest into my home that berated me, undermined my intelligence, and controlled me in my own home! Then why am I allowing doubt to make itself so comfortable in the home that is mine, my body, my mind, my spirit. 

This destructive relationship has been going on for too long. Like every relationship, I’ve rebounded, thinking it’ll be different now because I’m in control. But I fall straight back into it. Doubt has stopped me from even trying. Now, it’s time for me to end this relationship, abso-fucking-lutely.

The other day I wrote. I wrote everything I want right now. Then I wrote out how I would do it. 

I have to constantly remind myself that everything starts and ends with me. I’m taking back control of this beautiful life that is mine. One by one, I’ll get what I want. Yes, it’ll be challenging, and I may not achieve everything, but at least I’m no longer afraid to try. 

I will dream and I will realise. No doubt about it!

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of.
If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.
—  Eric Roth ~ Screenplay ~ The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
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Pentridge Market ~ Pentridge Prison, Coburg, Melbourne

Built in 1850, it’s held some of Australia’s most notorious and notable prisoners like Ned Kelly, until it was closed in 1997. What’s left standing holds a dormant history of what once was.

Every Sunday, there’s now Pentridge Market with crafts, produce and delish home made foods. Still, when I visited, I couldn’t help but feel eerie being inside this stark, narrow space, lined with tiny cells. For I knew, once upon a time, this space held the lives and stories of many men.

It’s definitely a Melbourne experience.

Every Sunday 9am - 2pm