Dear Ex-Best Friend,
There are times I miss you. Because I remember the times you were actually nice, and not a bitch to people for no good reason, and when we used to be on great terms…
Then there are time I see your name, and I want to

  • Break the heel of your shoe to see you go tumbling down three flights of stairs 
  • Shave off your eyebrows in your sleep
  • Do a drive-by egging
  • Hire any male I know to do a drive-by pissing
  • Slip you something awful in your drink
  • Find something terrible about you that turns everyone you know against you
  • Buy a metal baseball bat, paint “KARMA” on it, and swing it at your face.