It may have already been requested but rfa v and saeran helping mc with a period of bad depression and like they like self harmed/ tried to kill themselves (totally not a self indulgent ask hides in the darkness) thank you so much for your work
oooh what a good time for me to write this, in the middle of my depression wave :0 this actually was a good rant for me, thank u for the request! -Green💚
Warning: Mentions of self harm/attempts of suicide
-it was just a normal day. that’s how they all start, right?
-you and Yoosung had actually just came home from a date
-nothing bad actually happened. It really was a great day.
-so why were you in the bathroom in the middle of the night, yoosung just in the other room, cradling yourself and sobbing your eyes out?
-you don’t know. you dont know you dontknwo you d
o n t k n oww
-god it all just hurt so bad. you don’t know what hurts, but it was throbbing
-you feel like your whole body is struggling against you and you’re about to burst out of your own skin.
-so you desperately get up and tug open drawers, not even aware of all the noise you were making
-you finally found some scissors at the bottom of one of the drawers. you cut yoosungs hair with this occasionally because hairstylists cost too much.
-you’re able to dig the blade deep into your hip only once by the time the bathroom door slams open
-when that door open, so did all the realization and the buzzing pain in your side
-you don’t even look at yoosung, you drop to the floor, throwing the blade away from you and cry
-there’s so much blood
-yoosung doesn’t really know how to act, because everything is happening so fast
-but the two of you are in each others arms and crying so loudly you’re scared you’ll wake the neighbors
-he’s petting your hair with shaking hands, telling you with a watery voice how he loves you and whatever you need he’ll get it, he’ll do it, anything for you, so don’t leave him.
-most likely the two of you are doing it together
-that was a horrible joke oh my god ANYWAYs
-Saeyoung was actually out on a mission for his agency
let’s just pretend he didn’t quit yet
-and you’ve just grown numb without him around the house
let’s also pretend saeran isn’t here okay
-you miss him a lot. like. way too much. but there’s something else.
-and you can’t even think straight as you’re walking out the bunker and out towards the road
-you doubt any cars will come but you lay down on the road and look at the sky. hopefully you’ll get hit while looking at the clouds change shape.
-happy thoughts :)
-your mind is cloudy and the world is hazy you really don’t notice the car coming towards you
-you jump when you hear the screech of breaks and you’re suddenly too aware of how close you were to dying
-and when you see your redhead come out of the car, you break and curl into yourself.
-more than anything, you’re ashamed. guilty. ashamed he saw you like this, in this state.
-Saeyoung is more confused than anything because it hasn’t clicked in his head fast enough that you were there hoping someone would run you over, but when he’s hearing you sob saying how you were sorry and you just couldn’t take it anymore, it does click. and now he’s crying too.
oh god he’s crying so much
-he brings you back in the bunker, and barely is able to get you into the bedroom before he collapses.
-he’s holding his head in his hands and just crying all by himself, with you there infront of him.
-he’s crying for you to never leave him, that he’s sorry, that he’ll be better, just don’t leave him
-don’t leave him
-committing suicide was too easy in his penthouse
-you were all alone all day. it was so easy. so so easy
-those pills were just mocking you, so you finally took action and downed the whole bottle
-ha. take that, pills. you finally beat them and their stupid game. you finally won
-but did you really?
-little did u kno,,, Jumin came home early that day! Hooray…!
-you hear him call out for you and out of instinct you turn around, slam the bathroom door and lock it.
-of course he hurries over and he asks what’s wrong
-and you kind of just
-look down at the empty bottle in your hands and you realize you’re going to die.
- “Jumin… I think I’m going to die.”
-CUE JUMIN SCREAMING
- “What?! ___, princess, are you alright?! What happened?! Open the door-”
- “I took all the pills. I just… they’re all gone. I took all of them..”
- “____, honey, what pills?”
- “I-i don’t really know? The title is hard to read… it’s the ones the therapist gave me..”
-the knocks get louder and more desperate
-without really thinking about it you open the door and suddenly you’re being dragged through the halls of your home with Jumin ,,
- “Honey, why are you crying?”
- “___, you just tried to kill yourself. I don’t want that. I don’t want that ever, ___.”
-don’t DO THIS TO HER
-she walked in on you struggling to breathe while hanging in the air. your noose is the bed sheets
-she screams for what feels like the first time in her life. She’s never been more terrified then in that moment.
-Jaehee, if anything at all, is a quick thinker. She get’s up on the bed and quickly rips the sheets from the ceiling, making you drop down to the floor, gasping for air
-she tears the sheets off of your neck and shoves you into her, making you fall ontop of her and she doesn’t care
-her hands are gripping on your hair and back so tightly, and they’re moving all over you so fast like she’s trying to convince herself you’re still there
-she’s sobbing so bad and eventually her hands make it to your face and she’s kissing you all over
-you have a low enough self-esteem as is
-being with zen really doesn’t raise it any higher
-he tries, he really does, but it makes you feel that much worse knowing that his efforts will never be enough for you.
-the comments will always get to you. the looks will always burn you.
-so maybe you should just do him a favor for once and just leave?
-you’re mindlessly cutting yourself in the mirror, not really thinking about anything other than dying and how you should run the blade a little deeper this next cut
-when you hear Zen come through the front door, you don’t really know what to do. So you sit still, frozen on the tile of the kitchen
of course you have a mirror in the kitchen there’s a mirror in every room
-you don’t try to hide it. maybe when he sees you like this, he’ll finally get the idea that you aren’t worth it and you don’t deserve him. that he should leave you in the dust like you deserve.
-you make eye contact with him in the mirror, and his smile immediately drops
-good. you don’t deserve that either, that beautiful smile. you don’t deserve to look at him.
-Zen basically glides to you and forces your hand into the kitchen sink, spraying cold water over your wrists.
-you flinch at the feeling as he’s suddenly rubbing disinfectant over your cuts
-he hasn’t said a word, even as he’s began to bandage your arm. you don’t say anything either.
-when you’re all patched up, that’s when Zen finally takes a big breath, and you prepare yourself for the heartache when he breaks up with you. why would he want someone so obviously broken?
- “____, I love you. I’m not a liar, don’t think I am. I haven’t lied to you once since I’ve met you. I love you. I love you way too much to let you go. So don’t. Don’t go, okay? We’ll…. we’ll work on this. Together. Because you’re not alone. I’m here. I’m always going to be here.”
-this h u r t s
-you could never be like Rika. V would always have her in his heart, and you thought you could accept it. But that feeling. that feeling you could never truly earn V’s full love just because you weren’t who he wanted you to be stung more harshly than the water running through your nose
-you were drowning yourself in yours’ bathtub.
-it was ironic, no? didn’t V say that’s how Rika died? by drowning?
-ha. maybe this will make him love you more?
-your vision finally starts to go hazy and black when all the sudden everything is white and cold
-you’re gasping for air suddenly, and you look around you
-but. no one is there.
-you curl into your naked body in the tub, and you sob
-you couldn’t do it. you couldn’t do anything.
-by the time V came home, you were still in the cold water, holding yourself and shivering.
-he couldn’t really know anything was wrong, other than the fact you were horribly cold, and you needed to get out of the water and warm up, honey!!
- “V, I tried to kill myself.”
- “I tried to drown myself in the tub and it never worked, I kept coming out last minute. I guess… I was hoping you would find me. But you didn’t.”
-n nn ooo o oo my ba b ab yyyy y
-Saeran had been a tad bit more… difficult to handle, lately.
-Saeyoung had noticed you struggling, so even he was trying to help a little more, even with the small amount of time he had.
-it was actually Saeyoung that had found you bleeding out in the bathroom, and it was Saeyoung who brought you to the hospital for emergency treatment.
-and it was Saeran who was called by his brother to inform him of your state.
-it was Saeran that punched the wall. Cried his eyes out and rushed over to the hospital
-he couldn’t understand it at first. why? why would you do this to him? why would you try to leave him?
-he almost wanted to get angry at you. but he couldn’t. he couldn’t do that when he knew it wasn’t your fault. it was his.
-you were fast asleep in the hospital bed, and Saeran wasn’t surprised.
Apparently you had a very exhausting day.
-so he held your hand, and refused to leave your side until you woke up. And when you did, he had gotten his act together and greeted you with a smile.