she's still laughing at my pain

You love her,
but the scars
mask your eyes,
and you keep thinking:
you don’t deserve.

You love her,
but the way
that she laughs–
gives sharp pains,
in you chest,
and you ache,
at the thought
of her loving you–
because god,
that could never be true.

You love her,
but the bruises on your
are still prominent
and you think–
why would anyone,
want something

—   so maybe you can play the part of the willing best friend // if you can be close to her // but when she says your name, well, its game over (laura version) a.c.

I met Audrey Middleton on October 20th of this year and it was horrific. She was rude, not classy and she lost a long time live feeder that day. I walked into the $350 M&G and say hello she replies with ‘fat’ and I shook it off because I thought maybe I had heard her wrong. As I approached her and asked to do my pose she stared at me blank faced. I continued talking ‘you saved my life’ I say ‘you’re the reason I’m alive today.’ She looks me dead in the eye and says ‘you’ll die soon enough fatty’ and then whispered ‘obesity.’

I started crying I had never felt pain like this and she started laughing and said ‘are you crying? Stop it. Stop it now’ and she flicked my vagina. The photographer took the picture and I headed out of the M&G section and that’s when Audrey started speaking whale to me. I still can’t believe this happened. I cried writing this. I wish this weren’t true but Audrey Middleton is in fact; a horrible person.

I met Michelle Meyer October 20th of this year and it was horrific. She was rude, not classy and she lost a long time stan that day. I walked into the $350 M&G and say hello she replies with “fat” and I shook it off because I thought maybe I had heard her wrong. As I approached her and asked to do my pose she stared at me blank faced. I continued talking “you saved my life” I say. “You’re the reason I’m alive today”. She looks me dead in the eye and says “you’ll die soon enough, fatty” and then whispered “obesity”. I started crying I had never felt pain like this and she started laughing and said “are you crying? Stop it. Stop it now” and she flicked my vagina. The photographer took the picture and I headed out of the M&G section and that’s when Michelle started speaking whale to me. I still can’t believe this happened. I cried writing this. I wish this weren’t true but Michelle Meyer is in fact; a horrible person. Thank you for reading this.

I can still feel it. Worse ball pain I have ever experienced.

Apparently I snagged the parking spot she wanted and had to park further out. As I waited on the rest of my friends she walked up to me. She didn’t say anything but kicked me so hard in the balls that I almost blacked out

I immediately fell to the ground almost crying. She stood over me for a moment, laughed then walked in.

The worse part was she and her friends were in the same restaurant. She sent a cup of ice to my table as a joke. All I could do is hold my balls.

Day 2 with ileostomy! I feel pretty great! Still got my pain pump though!

I’ve been cheering up kids on the GI floor today! There’s a little girl in the room next to me who wouldn’t stop crying because IV’s and she’s like 3 or 4 so I gave her my stuffed toad and she’s been laughing and playing with it.

Down the hall the other way is the beautiful black girl who’s 11 who was sad because all she can have is Popsicles right now! So i found out her birthday is Tuesday so I gave her a purple crown to go with her beautiful personality!

There’s a little girl who’s probably 5 walking down the halls with a g tube! And she was waving and asking me all kinds of questions and I gave her a Tinkerbell Colouring book and gonna get her a puppy stuffed animal because she’s so cute!

I love being able to give back to kids on the floor now that I make extra off my Etsy! It’s so great to see children smile and for them to feel like princesses! Hopefully that one girl gets to go home before her birthday but if not Imma put her together a little birthday surprise :)))

I just have to share a magical moment that happened in Fisherman’s Cove today.

My merwrangler Sean has a friend with a 3 year old daughter. This daughter has to deal with very serious illness. So serious she moved here just to get treatment at the IWK. I personally had a very difficult childhood due to circumstances around my birth and illness as well, but I wasn’t prepared for the story for wha…t this little one had to go through. This little one goes through painful procedures daily so she can live. It’s so amazing sometimes when you hear about kids going through this stuff and then seeing them still be kids.

She loves mermaids. Love love. And when she came today to see us she spent a good chunk of time. I watched her laugh and dance around, climb up with mermaids and ask us questions and talk, sing, tell us funny stories. Her reward for being so good during all these treatments was to meet the mermaids. And we made sure it was the best experience possible. She was a normal kid today. Which to her and her family, isn’t taken lightly.

The whole Tallahassee days was just like that. Everyone being in character and going out of their way to create this fun storyline and include visitors in it. I know it made a difference to that little mer-fan, and I know it made a difference to everyone who made it out. From pilgrims who lead games and stories, pirates running around causing shenanigans , and shop owners who went all our to contribute to the experience.

Thank you to everyone who was involved! Us mermaids are honoured to have been a part and recognize the hard work of so many that went into making it so great.

I’m having my friend read The Mortal Instruments so that we can finally obsess over it together and she just passed that part in City of Glass where Clary meets Sebastian. She at first was okay with the idea of Clary and Seb being together AND THEN THIS IS WHAT SHE TEXTS ME she wasn’t serious about it but I still had a mini-heart attack and ohhhh I cannot wait for her to go through all the pain and shock and I am just LAUGHING thinking about it

Did you think you will always love him?” She asked me.
I thought for a moment and laughed almost at my blinding naivety. I did once believe there would never be another man for me. The utter contentment that I now felt could not be hidden, I thought of him and now nothing stirred within me. No burning passion, love or pain. A complete stillness you only feel once you except your past is gone and your future is clear.
“I did.” I replied. “But I no longer do, in fact I know longer think of him at all.
—  Clean - I.A
the signs as things my friends have said

aries: “I’m going to get the Nike swoosh tattooed on me so i can give people advice without talking.”
taurus: “I have family size Cheetos bags I ate in a day on my wall like trophies.”
gemini: “I’m not a fuckboy. I’m the fuckboy. It’s an art.”
cancer: “It’s gonna be really awkward when you’re trying to kiss away the pain of a dead body.”
leo: “even when I might not be the champion I’m still the champion.”
virgo: “when you don’t make the bed the devil laughs.”
libra: “well she’s a sociopath with frequent blood lust but I mean she hasn’t killed anyone yet so I’m still going to hang out with her.”
scorpio: “it’s still a 1 to 10 but it’s a shameful 1 to 10.”
sagittarius: “if all else fails we flirt with one of these old men until they buy us fries.”
capricorn: *when I set multiple alarms because I sleep through them* “you have to have more discipline!” Scorpio friend: “EXACTLY!” *yelling about strength and hardcore ability to get up follows*
aquarius: *watching bdsm documentary* “mom it’s about those things that you roll down the stairs and stretch.” “that’s slinky not kink.”
pisces: *listening to bad 2000s throwback music, phillip phillips comes on* “he’s a cutie patootie. I’d fuck him.”

And she is the best friend I’ve ever had. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever laid eyes on and she could light up a room when she laughs. She is also one of the strongest people I’ve ever met and she is smart. And caring and wonderful. Despite everything we’ve been through she’s still always stayed and that’s a lot more than even my own mother could say she’s done for me. She deserves the absolute fucking world and I swear to god I will rip apart anyone that causes her pain. I don’t care if this sounds cheesy or stupid or even weird and obsessive because I would literally do anything for her. She’s an amazing young woman and she deserves to hear it more often.
—  n-dollabills i love you
Giggles, Lies, and Rain.

She is dripping wet, standing outside my door.

The rain had been unkind, and had my words.

So many nights I’d been drunk off of her smile.

So many nights she’d been dragged through my lies.

I beat my hands upon the walls, wanting to break them.

So she could never again fit her fingers between mine.

But still she stood, rain soaked and stubborn.

Her voice like soft lightning, striking again and again.

That damned giggle…

As if her pain were a laughing matter.

As if her love wasn’t misguided.

As if I weren’t the monster I thought I was/wanted to be.

That damned giggle…

Broke me, cut me, crippled me, busted me wide open.

(Door swings open)

“Come in.”

Lexa crushing on Clarke is my thing right now.

It’s been personally very pain doing this alone. I feel like I’m constantly laughing and crying alone about it because she is such a warm cuddly little sweetheart deep inside this warrior princess exterior of hers.

Like, how cute was Lexa watching over sleeping Clarke.
She was probs all like…

“wow, this girl is so bad ass going after Pauna with that gun thingy, locking him up and fixing my arm after not leaving me to die. Now, she looks so calm and peaceful sleeping. So diff from the girl with so much fire in her eyes awhile ago. I was wrong. She wasn’t being weak. She’s always been so brave in handling all the shit coming her way and she’s just as young as me. She’s taking on so much shit for her people. Just like me… ”

Then that little twinge of jealousy Lexa (and I honestly) had when Clarke mentioned she trusted Baloney to get in MW. That Clarke seemed to single out this future genocide enthusiast from everyone else as someone she cared for.

I can’t stop thinking about how ridiculously cute Lexa’s thoughts on Clarke were when she first met her and then crushed on her then fell in love with her.

I can imagine the shy thoughts Lexa had of asking Clarke if she feels anything for her. Like, how can she try to slip that in their conversations. I can imagine the many times she tried making an excuse to get Clarke to stay a little longer with her. I can imagine her overthinking little things Clarke has mentioned to mean that she feels the same way. Like when Clarke said Lexa already changed her views on the grounders :) :) :) :)

I’m not sure if I’m grieving Lexa still and just trying to remember her through this or maybe I’m still in denial that she’s dead and holding on to my season 2 memories of her to distract from the horrible baiting done on season 3…

My sister got into a very serious car accident yesterday and she had to have her whole right arm amputated. Its been very hard and everyone’s emotions are running amuck, I got to talk to her today on the phone today finally since shes in Boston at Mass General and I had to come back to my hometown to take care of my youngest sister. But the first thing she said when she got to talk to us is “tis but a scratch” I dont think I’ve laughed so hard in my life, mind she is still currently on many pain meds but I’m glad her sense of humor can shine through.

seriously i dont know why people are okay with this

once again kishimoto butchered sasuke and sakura’s character. ESPECIALLY SAKURA THE WHOLE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT HER RIGHT NOW - SHE’S BEING CALLED NAMES MORE THAN EVER BEFORE, BEING DEGRADED MORE THAN WHAT WE COULD IMAGINE. we have to accept that this is kishimoto’s fault - i am not in any way hating him but this unnecessary drama makes this chapter worst of the worst ever. He can’t still handle her character well even after all these years. i know this will result in a happy ending but sasuke being away for a decade for whatever reason it is will always break my heart. sarada not knowing her dad is really painful. my favorite character being unhappy and stressed makes me sadder. this is not okay guys. its a poor choice of kishi. there are 1000000000000 ways to start this new gaiden but what? he gives us shit from some cheap soap opera plot device. really sakura and sasuke had enough of this shit. why not just let them be happy? kishi is milking the fuck out of this two. i am not hating him personally but i do truly hate many of the choices he made regarding his characters.

B is for Bump

It’s 12:30am here and I’m a little delirious from the pain in my shoulder, apologies if this is rubbish.

“I swear, if one more person touches me today!” “Ah, there’s my sunshine,” he gave back with a laugh as she padded into the living room with a deep scowl set onto her lovely face, the heels she still won’t discard despite his please having been flicked off as soon as she had returned home, red spots reminding her just how big she was beginning to get. “Seriously though,” she said as she allowed herself to slump onto the sofa beside Robin, her head lolled until it came to rest upon his shoulder when he instantly placed a hand around her and pulled her into him, “what is it about pregnancy that makes people think they have the right to start touching you whenever the notion hits them?!” And he can’t help but laugh at the absolute disbelief on her face visible when she turns to look at him, to smack a hand down against his bouncing chest in playful scolding before she was dropping her head back down again, snuggling into him and she wasn’t a snuggler, had never been such a thing, had told him so just the other morning when he had pointed it out to her after waking up for the sixth consecutive morning with her clinging to him like a koala does a tree. When he has to mumble his response into her hair under the guise of placing a soft kiss there, he knows he should never have said anything and especially not when said hair whips him in the face as she pulls herself up again to look at him, dark eyes dangerous as she speaks through gritted teeth. “What did you just say?” And he has the good grace to look afraid, the sense to begin rubbing soothing lines up and down her arms in a pre-empted apology, knowing just how much she likes the sensation of her arms being tickled, knowing what a weakness it usually is for her…but today, it seems not. He swallows hard, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat before he voices the words she had hoped she hadn’t heard spill from his lips only moments ago. “I said…you shouldn’t be so adorable then.” He has to bite back a laugh at the way in which her mouth drops open, her eyes going wide with absolute outrage as she pulls even further away from him, hands moving to her hips, pushing her neat bump out even further in a move that screamed adorable, “I am not adorable!” she exclaimed before pouting in a way that was undeniably so. And he looks at her then, his expression reading nothing but I beg to differ and that has her flinging herself at him, his hands capturing her wrists just in time to spin them, the soft cushion he had been lying against meaning her landing was a gentle one and she laughs when he moves his leg back up and onto the sofa so that he is kneeling over her, his blue eyes looking her over completely as he keeps her wrists in his gentle grip. “You would do well to take back that statement, thief.”  His laughter ripples through them both at the title that no longer held any venom between them, his eyes are warm when he stops and looks back down at her, lowering himself enough to brush his lips against hers all too briefly as she leans up to capture his to no avail pulling a chuckle from him as her pout returns at being denied. “I will do no such thing, my Queen.” And her eyes are rolling, a smirk tugging at her lips just as his eyes, filled with such adoration, continue to tug at her heart.

My Love From Another Star (Korean Drama)

After months of getting excited for Thursdays and Fridays and easing the longing until the next Thursday and Friday, today my favorite Korean Drama ended. And on my list, this ranked the same as Princess Hours! Yey!

What was the story about? 

It was about an alien who lived 400 years on Earth and who was (at first) very secretive with his identity— since he can teleport, move things around, lift you, and even stop the time— but just to protect the woman he loves, he disregarded the importance of his identity.

The drama was a mix of comedy, romance and melodrama which really kept my interest all through out the whole drama.

The 21 episodes weren’t a pain in the ass, because it never failed to make me laugh, especially when Cheon Song Yi (Gianna Jun), would do something dumb and still act conceited just to save herself or when she’s so hot tempered and doesn’t think of her own welfare.

As for the romance, it was so heart fluttering every time Do Min Joon (Kim Soo-Hyun) and Cheon Song Yi would have a physical contact, even just a holding hands, hug or kiss, I love how they look awkward before the scene, and then finally romantic while doing it. I feel like after they do the romantic scene, they would tell themselves that everything is okay and they don’t have to feel anything at all. With the way they stare at each other, it feels like there is some sort of hesitation and pampering for their own. Which I find cute.

Furthermore, I always hated dramas on the melodrama category, because my life is already a melodrama and I don’t deserve having another dose of it. But as for this drama, the melodrama part only happened during the 20th-21st episode, because Cheon Song Yi and Do Min Joon really gave justice to the feeling of knowing someone leaving. It seems like the longing while the person is still there is more painful than the longing when that person is gone. Aww that really hurts!

This drama is really a recommended drama, everything is concrete, everything was well planned. There wasn’t any part that felt draggy or lousy. Everything was just right to help the drama going.

You can watch it here (