Every now and again, you hear a song that changes you life. Plain and simple.
Kesha’s “Praying” is my most recent example.
My father was a minister, a pastor, a reverend, pick your word. A man of the faith, supposedly. Though in truth he was nothing more than a con, a pathetic excuse for a human being, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. He destroyed a marriage, and he tried to destroy everyone around him, including two children.
I don’t have many fond memories of my childhood. I spent most of it afraid and angry. I felt broken so often, felt powerless and helpless and like nothing would ever get better. I spent my teenage years fighting to be free from him and the death grip he had on my family.
After he destroyed our family, I took him back in. He told me he was sick and had place else to go, so I gave him a home when he had none, I tried forgiveness. I wanted him to have a place in my life. But as had happened so many times before, he spit on all of it, and once again I was left to pick up the pieces.
He couldn’t break me. And I’m so so proud of that. Cutting him off and walking away from him was the easiest and most difficult decision of my life.
I rarely think of him now, but sometimes he slips back into my thoughts. I often thank him for all of the lessons he taught me.
My husband and I are separating. We both hope to be able to salvage our marriage, but right now we are both in very different places. And sometimes I wish I had a father I could go to, to get advice from. But I don’t even know where he is or what he’s doing. And that’s okay. Some things only god can forgive, as Kesha says. I hope he finds his peace.
Knowing what she went through, all that she survived, and how public it all was, and yet she’s still so gracious, still so strong, but there’s so much humility in that, she’s just such an icon. My situation is in no way as severe as hers, but I am so so thankful for her. Thankful for this song. Thankful for this space to write out all of these emotions.
I know this isn’t a fun Larry or 1D post, and I’m sorry to clutter your dash with it. I just had to write somewhere. I’m um… I’m going to be following our boys but from a bit of a distance, and I hope you can all understand that. I can’t possibly explain what all of you mean to me, so I’ll just end with my traditional: Be good to each other. All my love to all of you. ♥️