she is not a real dog

2

“So much has changed since I first sat down and began to write this book. I’ve changed. I got arrested recently and to be quite honest with you it wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be. I got a new dog and I named her Audrey. I found a girl (a real girl) that I’m in love with, and if you can believe it, she loves me back. I’m looking at her right now, in fact. She bought me a new computer and on the desktop there’s this picture of her on the beach. She and I and a bunch of our friends went to Hawaii recently. I had never been there before and I enjoyed myself very much. We had a house right on the beach. A couple of days into it, while sitting in the shade nursing my new sunburn, she decided to try surfing for the first time. And needless to say it was quite a funny sight. If you’ve never seen someone take their first surfing lesson before, then drop this book and everything else you’re doing immediately and arrange it. It’s well worth it. On one of her many tumbles into the ocean a friend of ours must have snapped a picture of her. Her butt is on the board as she’s washing ashore and she has this smile on her face. It looks like you’ve just surprised a five-year-old with a truck full of candy. I’m talking ear to ear. Every time I turn on my computer and I see this picture it makes me happy. I know how lucky I am to have someone that makes me feel that way, believe me. I’m lucky to have her. My point is I didn’t have her or that picture when I started making this book.” - Macaulay Culkin on Mila Kunis, Junior

anonymous asked:

HC where Steves girlfriend works the night shift at a restaurant and he becomes an officer after graduating and he alway picks her up from work because he doesn't like her getting out late because he's protective AF.

oh g o d this is golden!! and Steve being a cop is like really…damn. Ok ok anyway!!! He legit goes out of his way every night to pick his girl up from work, even if he’s supposed to be on duty patrolling or whatever cops do. He does it mostly because what if a fucking demo-dog comes out of no where and decides she’s it’s next meal?? or some creepy dude tries to get her?? He’s there every night, leaning on his cop car and the lights flashing just so everyone knows that a cop’s there. Or sometimes she lets him in the restaurant after hours and has the cook make him something real fast. All of her coworkers think it’s weird that he’s always there, but she’s just- thats my boyfriend?? I love him?? But seriously she doesn’t even mind, she thinks it’s really sweet of him for caring about her so much and she also probably loves seeing him in uniform because Officer Harrington????? Sign me tf up

Send me some Steve HCs!!!

Uhm, wow. Someone came into one of the treads I was following in the forums and spent two full paragraphs and a few extra lines explaining how VAYLIN IS DEAD (because, you know, no one ever comes back to life in TOR) and that she, not Vitiate, was the one that manipulated Arcann into falling to the Dark Side. Because she was a rabid dog as a little girl (in spite of them telling us outright in the Conditioning codex that wasn’t true).

And previously had said the discussion wasn’t worth the “emotional energy”.

I mention it mainly for the “Arcann’s fall was Vaylin’s fault” bit. It’s amazing how much hate she gets, to the point where she gets blamed for things that are clearly shown to be the Real Villain’s doing. And then they also went on to saying that Arcann shouldn’t be a companion either, “for similar reasons”. At least the nonsense is consistent. I guess that’s something. Plus, you know (again), they got that option, the option to kill him. I would just have liked to also get what I wanted.

I would just like it explained why we can’t be allowed to dream in peace.

I did respond, at length, but then deleted most of it. I don’t need this grief in my life.

Oh, and bonus: Same person that told me if I didn’t hate Saresh to the point where I wanted to kill her, I hadn’t played enough Pub side! That’s sufficient. 

5 things that make me happy!

So I was tagged by my bff @bamco to list five things that make me happy. Here we go!

1. My dog. She’s a real stinker sometimes but I love her so much and she’s helped me through so many emotional moments. She’s my special baby girl and I’d do anything for her.

2. Video games!!! Video games have been an outlet for me ever since I was younger, with my first ever one played was Pokèmon Snap. My love for video games only grows stronger as I grow older.

3. My friends. I wouldn’t be here without any of them, but special shoutout to @jonlaurs @alexdrehamilotn @bamco @higuchi and @lailah!! You guys are so amazing and supportive. I love you so so much.

4. CSS coding. I like experimenting with coding and making different types of graphics for layouts. I’ve been coding since I was about 11 so I’ve come a long way.

5. Relating to characters. I know this might sound really weird but I love seeing characters and thinking “Ah!! I really relate to them.”. Doing such makes me feel like I have a stronger sense of identity and self-worth.

UHMMMM, I tag @jonlaurs @alexdrehamilotn @lailah @gastrodon @bambietta @korrikiri @higuchi annnd @havenotlove!! You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to btw!

So my neighbor was out camping and met Keanu Reeves who was also camping (I guess he likes dogs because he came up and said “I love these dogs!” about her rottweiler) and she said she thought she was crazy for a minute because no one else knew he was there and it turns out Keanu was just there chilling with a one-man tent and a cooler and his little Dodge car and every time someone looked at him he’d just turn his face away and it’s kind of just solidified in my mind that Keanu Reeves is a cryptid.

I absolutely love all the space australia/ humans are weird/space orcs things going around, so I haven’t been able to stop thinking about stuff like metaphors and idioms and figurative speech. Like, what if those had been purely human concepts?

Human: “He really broke Omar’s heart”

Alien: “What?? Is Omar still alive? Can he be healed? Is it culturally appropriate to seek out revenge?”

Human: “No, no, like… He hurt him badly.”

Alien: “Yes I understand that your cardiovascular system is important.”

- - -

Human: “She’s a real wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

Alien: “What is a wolf?”

Human: “It’s a predator - you know, the one dogs descent from?”

Alien: “… She looks human. How do you know the value of her clothes?”

- - -

Human: “That dickhead stabbed me in the back”

Alien: “MEDIC!!!!”

- - -

Human 1: “Wish me luck!”

Human 2: “Break a leg!”

*Horrified aliens in the background*

text messages.

[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you trying to drunk text me rn?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey what are you doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— didn’t you get my last text?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you ignoring me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m so bored!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey you 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— blue is definitely your color 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— ugh i wish you were here!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i think you’re going to like what you see 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you’ve been on my mind all day today.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i can’t stop thinking about you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you gonna fall asleep on me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— NO don’t fall asleep on me again tonight!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you fell asleep on me last night! you owe me now
[ 📲 • sms ] —— send me a picture 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey cutie! haven’t talked to you in a while!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— why did you stop texting me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey can i call you now?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— call me rather talk on the phone
[ 📲 • sms ] —— sweet dreams….with me in them 😉 jk
[ 📲 • sms ] —— oooooh, i like the sound of that 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you doing tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you wanna hang out tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you wanna do tomorrow? ☺️
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you looked really good today.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— can’t wait to see you xoxo
[ 📲 • sms ] —— talk dirty to me
[ 📲 • sms ] —— maybe i can stay the night with you tomorrow
[ 📲 • sms ] —— dang you take long enough to text back.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you are the slowest texter ever. 😒
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i hate texting you sometimes. you take forever.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you take forever and a day to reply.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i was wondering where you went.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what happened? where did you go?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— k.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— ok that’s cool.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what’s wrong with you?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey where was you today?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you wanna come over?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— why are you texting me? i’m standing right beside you…
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i hate one word texters.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— stop one wording me. 😒
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you mad at me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you wanna talk about?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you like me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i love you 😍
[ 📲 • sms ] —— miss you 😘
[ 📲 • sms ] —— stop sending me that wink face.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you okay?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m gonna take a shower brb
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hold on i gotta do something real quick.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you trying to sext me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— my dog/cat said he/she missed you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what’s your dog/cat doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you watching?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i see how it is 😜
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you can’t text me but you can be on facebook/twitter/instagram/
[ 📲 • sms ] —— how come you never text me anymore?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i gave you my number so you could text me punk 😛
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you never text me back anymore ☹️
[ 📲 • sms ] —— sorry didn’t mean to bug you
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you only text me when i text you first.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you never text me first!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— wanna go catch a movie tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you mean by that status you posted?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— guess what emoji is next to your name in my phone?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey stranger. stop being a stranger.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— did you miss me? 😆
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m looking through your pictures right now.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i saw that selfie you just posted.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you text me after i upload a bomb selfie i see.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— it’s okay you don’t to lie to me.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— aww, that was so sweet. ☺️ 
[ 📲 • sms ] —— aww, that just made me smile. ️☺️☺️ 
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i s2g i’m punching you so hard the next time i see you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i s2g you get on my nerves.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey there ! remember me ?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you going to ignore me again tomorrow?

I’m posting this for 8 year-old me, who had just experienced the first loss of a pet when his dog, Karma, died suddenly. 8 year-old me asked his teacher at his Lutheran school if he was going to see Karma in heaven someday, and she told him no, because “dogs can’t choose to accept Jesus into their hearts, so they can’t be saved.”

What a shitty and terrible thing to say to a little kid who has just experienced his first real loss and just wanted some comfort.

So, to eight year-old me, who still believes in heaven: you’re gonna get to play ball with Karma again, someday.

Lena has a dog that is absolutely in love with Kara. Every time she comes to the apartment, the dog runs up excitedly then immediately rolls onto his back, because Kara gives the best belly rubs in the universe.

Kara is equally in love with him. She squeals and calls him a special nickname every time greets her.

One day, Lena has her dog in the office when Supergirl flies in for official business. He starts to get real excited before she can even see Supergirl, and then immediately rolls onto his back on the balcony. Lena then hears a very familiar squeal and a name that exactly one person calls her dog.

And that’s how Lena’s dog uncovers Supergirl’s secret identity. 

Forget me not

It’s been about a year since my last Miraculous Ladybug fanfic list. Given the fandom is three years old and season 2 is right around the corner (hopefully), I believe it’s time to relive and explore some of the best fanfics the fandom has to offer. By no means is this list comprehensive. Many fics aren’t on here. (I’m working on a list for newer fics, so stay tuned!)

Rainy Days by @thelastpilot (Not rated)
A storm rolls through Paris and refuses to let up, so when a water fearing cat is rescued by the kind efforts of his designing classmate he starts to pay a little closer attention to someone he should have always known better.

he’s not a siren by @miraculousturtle (Rated T)
Merman AU. Their meeting is orchestrated by fate, conducting them one at a time to step on the stage. With the flick of the baton, in time, they will sing the same song, but only if they aren’t swept away by the ocean’s mighty waves.

An Unexpected Surprise by @sweetprincessluck (Rated M)
Adrien Agreste. Age 26. A successful international supermodel, currently changing careers to a CEO of a fashion empire. Was born and raised in Paris, had moved to the USA 6 years ago, came back for a visit. Kind, handsome, lonely. Had experienced a lot, had seen even more. Had nothing left that could surprise him anymore.Except, maybe, this - a small, blonde girl, with emerald eyes and freckles scattered across the bridge of her nose – a splitting image of his mother Lillian Agreste, excluding, perhaps, the freckles.Her name was Emma. Emma Dupain-Cheng, to be exact.

Obsession by @kryallaorchid (Rated T)
Miraculous has unintended side effects. A chance encounter leaves Chat Noir in Marinette’s magic hands. Scritch and scratch, this kitty has needs. MariChat. 

Smoulder by @midnightstarlightwrites (Rated T)
In which Adrien loses a bet and becomes an underwear model, Marinette loses her mind, and the whole fiasco starts a fire which might lead to the pair discovering their identities.

Retrouvailles by @gigiree (Rated G)
There’s an art to telling stories. There’s an art to ending them. Just know that saying “the end” is just another way of saying it’s a new beginning. When she says goodbye, her luck is gone. His has just begun.Tattoo and Flowershop AU!

Over the Wall by @imthepunchlord (Rated G)
The accident, while unintentional, was costly. For her wrong doings against Chloe, Marinette is sent over the wall to die. But instead of death, she winds up in a strange, unnerving world. Good thing she’ll have a cat to watch her back in this bizarre place.

Chasing the C/h/atwalk by @runningoutofink (Rated T)
Paris. The city of lights, love and fashion. Follow the progress of Marinette Dupain Cheng as she enters the extremely competitive world of Reality television for a chance to be the winner of Project Runway: France.

Lucky Us by @geek-fashionista (Rated T)
-AU- Marinette Dupain-Cheng’s life isn’t going as planned: twenty-six, recently dumped, and running her parents’ bakery. The highlights of her day are the emails sent by her mysterious pen pal, Chat Noir. That is, until handsome model Adrien Agreste starts swinging by the bakery after hours. But how is he to know the Ladybug he loves is standing right in front of him?

Guardians by @wintermoth (Rated T)
In the year 2015, Marinette Dupain-Cheng said yes to Tikki, the kwami of Creation. Two days later, Adrien Agreste said yes to Plagg, the kwami of Destruction.For the first time in over a thousand years, the cat and the bug were starting fresh. (immortal AU)

Découvrir by @xiueryn (Rated M)
A decade apart and he still remembered her. Marinette contacts her childhood friend in hopes of rekindling their forgotten relationship despite him being a celebrity, only to assume him to be someone else entirely. AU.

Bare Necessities by @reyxa (Rated M)
Art School AU where Adrien is the nude model in Marinette’s human figure class. Major sin warning but it’s more awkward than sexy. Definitely not for little ears… or eyes I guess…

Serendipitous Fate by @skaylanphear (Rated M)
Adrien is excited to reveal his true identity, while Marinette is terrified. But Master Fu says they can’t afford to be distant any longer. Chat Noir and Ladybug are meant to work in tandem both in and out of uniform, their strength stemming from the bond created between them. Yet, teenagers are sometimes better at dancing blind than running with wide open eyes, even with the steps laid out before them.Steps in the path of an expanding world. Apart, they’ll flounder. But together, they might just stand a chance.

Tikki’s New Friend by @panda013 (Rated G)
The dog was easily the height of his chest, and the young woman walking it could have only come up to his shoulder. But she was just cheerfully walking along beside the dog, chatting and laughing happily with a redheaded young woman. The dog was a big black beast—he didn’t know the breed then, nor did he particularly care, but it whined pitifully when its equally dark-haired owner paused to read a street sign. She just giggled and reached out a hand to ruffle its fur, and the giant’s tail wagged happily.

heartstrings by @zenwisterias (Rated T)
one of marinette’s rare unlucky days turns into something treacherous. thanks to a certain cat, the real danger passes, but there are other things to be more afraid of. her heart, for example, might be one of them.

The Ladybugs and the Bees by @bullysquadess (Rated M)
This originally started as a fanfic about periods and just devolved into crack.

You Don’t Know Me by @ferisae (Rated T)
When Ladybug suffers a near-fatal accident and is presumed dead, it is up to Adrien - who has discovered Ladybug’s secret - to help her through her painstaking recovery and reacquaint her with herself. All this while trying to save Paris on his own without losing himself in the process.

Satisfaction Brought It Back by @siderealsandman (Rated E)
Most people rekindled friendships with people from high school over Facebook or Twitter. Most people met for coffee, shared pictures of their bratty children, and sent old friends Christmas letters once a year. Marinette was clearly not most people as she had somehow hooked up with her former high school crush on a bondage dating website and didn’t know it until he was standing in front of her with an identical look of bemused embarrassment plastered all over his pretty face.

A Werecat in London by @i-am-thornqueen (Rated M)
After an unfortunate encounter with an akuma while in London on a business trip, Chat Noir is forced to deal with the unexpected consequences. Can Ladybug help him return to his normal self, or will he be stuck for the rest of his life getting in touch with his wild side?

tangled ribbons by @demistories (Rated G)
Marinette is a small studio dancer who wins a scholarship to a summer long ballet intensive. Adrien is a famous ballet dancer who would rather be at home than at said intensive. The end of the summer will bring about a showcase that could make Marinette’s career, if she can ignore Chloé and focus on something other than Adrien.

The Space Between Us by @chassecroise (Rated T)
What’s a ladybug to do when her kitten becomes a cat?

Accident of the Evening by @thatwriterchickrachel (Rated T)
Adrien Agreste, rumoured royalty, just wants a normal life. But one night on the run he meets Marinette, a normal girl, with a normal life. Marinette can’t believe it. Her long-time celebrity crush had crashed into her life and was now hanging out with her and her friends in between his busy schedule.With the Annual Parisian Masquerade Ball approaching, and an announcement sure to change everything looming over them, the two young adults begin a friendship and a double life.

Emergence by @artisticflutter (Rated M)
They were only teenagers, but they are no more. Forced to awaken to new powers, both find themselves codependent on the other in order to survive and escape from their captors. They are Ladybug and Chat Noir - they are Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste. Part One of a possible series.

The Lights that Lead Us Home by @oceanspray5 (Rated G)
Based on @piku-chan’s Cinderella AU on Tumblr. Marinette remains at the Palace to train as a noble and Adrien takes on more responsibilities as King. The wedding is planned for the Prince and his Princess and despite any outside meddling forces, goes off without a hitch.

Le Chat Noir by ParadiseAvenger (Rated E)
Le Chat Noir was the most popular strip club in Paris. Marinette could explain how she wound up there the first time, but she couldn’t explain how she kept coming back.

The Wingman Visits by @niuniente (Rated M)
When Chat Noir finds out Ladybug’s real identity as Marinette, he also discovers her huge crush for Adrien. As a gentleman he is Chat Noir offers to be a wingman between Marinette and Adrien, trying to get them together.

Sealed away by @ashesandhoney (Rated T)
Five years ago, Ladybug left Paris and left Chat Noir to learn how to keep it together on his own.Marinette is back in Paris with an internship at the Agreste Fashion house trying to get the spring show up and running and as much as Adrien appreciates having a friend at work, he’s distracted by Ladybug’s return and more Akuma attacks than either of them have faced before.Something big is coming and nothing can stay sealed away forever.

Cut from the Same Cloth by @baneismydragon (Rated T)
When Gabriel notices that Adrien is collecting various supplies from his office, he assumes that his son has finally decided to show an interest in the family business. However when he tries to show his support by showing up at a school presentation, things quickly spiral out of control and everyone learns more than they bargained for

Désolé by @pozolegirl (Rated G)
‘The Cat’s out of the Bag’ as Adrien would say, and now Marinette and Adrien must work through their emotions during this new reveal of identities, all while Hawkmoth is hot on their trail and not about to let them slip away from him, taking matters into his own hands.

Sing the Song of Sailing Sirens by @princessofharte (Rated T)
Adrien Agreste is the Pirate Lord of the High Seas, chasing a British flagship until Le Chat Noir is blown off course into a green storm.

This is not a complete list of the best fics in the fandom. Many of these authors have written multiple fanfics for this fandom and they are all amazing. Indeed, many of the fics on AO3 with the most hits, the most kudos, and the most comments were other fics not mentioned here but completed by many of these authors. Every work of fanfiction is amazing. If you want to help encourage writers to write more awesome fanfiction, please leave a comment on their works. It can be as short as “This is great!” Seriously. We live off validation.

It’s not narcissism if I add in my own fic here, right?

Was there anything I missed? Leave it in the reblogs and spread the word so that others–including myself–can read it!

So through the years it’s become a necessity for the Batfam to get good at distracting large groups of civilians so that other members can sneak off and change or so that no one really notices that ‘hey Red Robin and Spoiler just left and now Tim Drake and that blonde chick are entering the room all disheveled-like’. 

So I headcanon that, even though it’s not anything official, they all have signature ploys that they use whenever there’s a need for them to distract a large group of civilians from whatever nonsense is going on.

Bruce: Bruce usually just becomes ‘Brucie’ and knocks something over/falls off of whatever he’s on/trips/laughs really loudly at ‘a joke he just remembered’.  Legends are still told about the time Bruce Wayne knocked over six (6) priceless vases at a charity auction in the span of twenty minutes.

Dick: Dick usually leaps atop whatever table/furniture is around and loudly announcing his intentions to start a boy-band to honor his heroes Britney Spears/Bruno Mars.  Every time this happens the Internet basically shuts down for a few hours.  Sometimes he signs a song if extra distracting is needed (usually ‘Circus’ or ‘Uptown Funk’) and every time the name of his band is different.  Notable band names include Titans of Pop, Dick’s Dicks, and The Scaly Panties.

Barbara: okay, we all know that Babs is totally an activist for a number of causes.  So she usually either ends up roasting whatever Republican congressmen happens to be nearby (happens mostly at Bruce’s galas) or starting random mobs of protests based on whatever she’s feeling particularly passionate about at the moment. 

Jason: Jason has the advantage of being Legally Dead, so he doesn’t have to worry about ruining his reputation or civilian ID.  Jason also has the advantage of being a Relentless Shit, so usually he either starts spewing the most ridiculous conspiracies about Batman (fun fact- Jason was the one who first spilled the beans that Batman and Bruce Wayne had a torrid ten-year-long love affair) or he lets everyone in on the secret Wayne gossip he just dug up.  Nothing harmful, mostly stuff about Dick getting drunk and marrying a goat, Tim Drake being a cyborg, Damian Wayne actually being six and not ten. 

Duke: Duke really tries his best to be good in his civilian ID.  He’s usually the one pointing out the window and yelling ‘WAS THAT BATMAN?!?!?’ while Bruce and the others sneak off in the other directions.  One time though, there was an emergency and he just couldn’t think of anything to do.  And that’s the story of the time Duke Thomas re-enacted forty-five minutes of the first Lord of the Rings movie (perfectly, as witnesses will attest) to stop Riddler and the Penguin from killing hostages at a Wayne family gala. 

Cass: Cass dances.  Sometimes it’s elegant ballet, and she’ll take different partners in the crowd until everyone is clapping and laughing and hoping that the Princess of Gotham picks them next.  Sometimes it’s hypnotizing break-dancing that usually ends up in a huge crowd with everyone straining to take video.  Several of her impromptu performances have made it online, and she already has curious letters coming from Julliard and the Joffrey Academy of Dance.

Tim: while Tim isn’t quite a meme yet, his ability to do the weirdest shit while sleep-deprived is something that everyone in Gotham is deeply aware of.  There is no predicting what Tim will do if he has to distract people.  Some of his past stunts have included him singing both parts of ‘Fuck You’ from Holy Musical B@man, reciting the entire Gettysburg Address while trying to cram seven strawberries in his mouth, and starting a food fight at one of the Wayne Foundation charity events.

Stephanie: Steph is notorious because she really doesn’t have anything to lose.  She’s done everything from creating mosh pits in Gotham’s main road to encouraging people to pick out ‘souvenirs’ (read: Bruce’s property’)  from the gala.  Her favorite distraction though has been the time where she convinced Harley Quinn and a room of three hundred shocked people that she was Bohemian Rhapsody Wayne, Bruce’s lovechild from Texas. 

Damian: the first time Damian had to distract a large crowd, Jason gave him the helpful advice of ‘Just scream.’  And so Damian did.  He screamed for the entire fifteen minutes it took for the entire assembled Batfam to change into costume and bust in through the windows.  Bruce Wayne later told the press that it was ‘a showcasing of modern art, something Damian greatly enjoys’.  Damian’s real showstopping distractions though are his Animal Ratings.  He finds whatever dog/cat/bird/rat is nearest and loudly starts examining/praising it.  Rumor has it that the Gotham elite now smuggle their dogs into Bruce’s parties in the hopes that Damian will give their pooches an 11/10 (which is a joke because that’s the only rating Dami is capable of giving any animal)

anonymous asked:

Steve's puppy is in love with his shield. She insists on sleeping in it, eating out of it, and is not impressed when Steve tries to swap in a replica to fool her.

Tabitha was tiny and black and white with a little black spot around one eye and Sam took one look at her and joked that she had the same worried crease between her eyes that Steve did.

He’d adopted her from down South, a pit mix of some kind that was attentive and sweet.  And curious. Snuffling around his gear and when she tipped his shield over on accident she went scurrying away, only to creep back when it didn’t chase her and nose at it until she realized it was perfect for a rocking-bed.   

Steve took approximately 300 pictures and decided there was no harm in letting her doze in his shield while he set up her bed and bowls and toys and made sure he’d puppy-proofed everything.

Only.

Only that wasn’t the end of it.  A week later, and she was still nudging it with her nose until it tipped over and snuggled in for the night every night.  He’d given her a meat bone earlier in the day and she’d trotted off with it, tail high, to curl up in his shield and chew on it.

It was on his next mission he decided things had to change.  The fur could be easily brushed away and the bone bits washed off, but the leather straps had little teeth marks in them that would soon be big teeth marks and Steve realized he might have encouraged a bad habit without meaning to because it happened to be cute.

So he bought her one of the plastic replicas he found on Amazon and set it on the floor for her.  She was interested at first but had barely gotten a paw in it before she pulled back and left it for his actual shield.  He put treats in it and tried redirection and she kept stubbornly (like you, Sam smirked as he filmed some of Steve’s unsuccessful retraining) refusing to use the plastic shield.  

He went on Etsy and bought a cosplay replica that was an impressive facsimile.  So good, Tabitha laid down in it.  

For five minutes.  

It was Clint who finally fixed everything, sending T’Challa a series of photos and a note that simply read “a little help?”.

A week after that, a package arrived from Wakanda.  Inside, a perfect replica of Steve’s shield in pink, white, and blue with “Tabitha America” painted on it and half-dozen leather straps for her to chew.

Pre-Kerberos! Matt HC

[Pre-Kerberos! Matt]

★ Matt is the whitest of the whites, he eats one hot chip and it’s game over.

★ He’s allergic to pickles

★ He got Katie into aliens and cryptids

  • He doesn’t regret it                                                                             

★ Him and Shiro were friends, even before the Garrison.

★ He’s a little shit, the Garrison teachers expected him to be the perfect student since he was Sam and Colleen’s son.

  • They were wrong, he started a black market and wasn’t found out until it was too late. He made more than $500 bucks cash.

★ Whenever he was called into the office to talk about his future he just answered with “Kick ass, go to space, represent the human race.”

The cost of losing a bet with him was high

  • Once a kid had to go up to Iverson and ask if he was a furry and if his boyfriend was bigfoot.
  • They were required to help Iverson for the rest of the year during their free hour.

★ Anytime anyone asked if him and Shiro were dating, he did finger guns and awkwardly backed away.

★ Has been the cause of the science lab blowing up at least 5 times.

  • Shiro was apart of three of them.

★ Puns were his shit no one could escape

  • Shiro does this make us…..Kerbros?”
  • “If it weren’t for the laws of this land, I would’ve slaughtered you, Matt.”

★ Would fight you if you said Pluto wasn’t a planet

★ Is the most oblivious of people, two kids had a crush on him at the same time and he never noticed

  • But he can somehow notice when people have crushes on each other??

★ He met Neil Degrasse Tyson once and cried

★ Katie and him show their love by roasting each other on the daily

★ “I know you love those peas, Dad.” was only the tip of the Yikesburg™ .

★ He dyed Shiro’s hair once

  • It went as well as expected
  • It was neon blue

★ He smuggled Pidge into the Garrison once with the help of Shiro

  • Keith found them dragging her through the window
  • He just stared silently and walked away

★ He can do a perfect Yoda impression

  • Katie sadly found out when she on the verge of sleep at 3am

★ Subs always liked him for some reason, no one really knew how or why though.

★ He could name all 206 bones in the human body, and he taught Keith how to break every one of them

★ Katie popped out the lens in his back-up prescription glasses

  • He cried

★ He can quote back to the future word for word

★ “What are you gonna do punch me???”

  • The kid decked him
  • He broke their leg

★ He threatened to sell Katie to the Garrison for a pizza

  • A guy’s gotta do what they gotta do to get some decent food

★ “How’d you do in your flight test, Matt?” “Oh, I nearly killed Shiro. it’s chill though.”

★ He cries whenever he sees dogs since the Garrison is in the middle of nowhere

  • He once cried for more dog deaths in three school days than his entire life

★ “Hey Matt, high-five the stars for me okay?” “Of course, Katie.”

  • She hasn’t found out if he did or not.

★ It was his idea to name their dog Gunther

  • “What the fuck, Matt” “It haS CHARACTER KATIE”

★ Him and his mom are kickass together.

  • Everyone is low-key terrified of them

★ He crashed his bike into a tree once

  • “Lol you guys will never guess what happened”
  • “What”
  • “My bone is no longer in my leg”

★ “Do you think Iverson and—” “I’m gonna stop you right there.”

★ He hacked the speakers in the Garrison to play Bill Nye the Science Guy when someone said he wasn’t a real scientist

★ Believes in the multiverse theory and soulmates

  • Maybe in some other universe him and Shiro are happy

★ He’s pan and poly, fight me   

  • Katie got him a shirt that read “Pans for Bigfoot”    
  • He wore it everywhere

★ He finished the office in a week and stares at a security camera whenever something stupid happens

★ Someone confessed to him once and he panicked and said “Thank you”

★ Matt is actually a super good crossdresser???

  • Shiro and Keith are surprised???
  • Katie had to get it from somewhere y’all

★ Lowkey likes to make fun of Keith for being Texan

  • “Y’all’d’ve done good if y’all had listened to me.”
  •  “I hate living because of you, Matt.”

★ Bill Nye the Science Guy is his dad and you can’t tell him otherwise.

  • He’ll fight you if you say he isn’t a real Scientist

★ MATT REALLY LIKES AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER, LIKE I HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN IT BUT I KNOW HE DOES.

★ Him and Katie learned Latin for kicks

★ Speaks fluent meme

★ **Drops one piece of candy on his room floor** “,,,,,,,,” **Kneels down to look for it**

★ 10/10 doesn’t know how to handle any crushes he has

  • He realized he had a crush on Shiro with the “help” of Katie and Keith
  • He tried to eat an entire jar of pickles afterwards

★ “Matt, you have a crush on my brother, admit it” “New glasses, who dis?”

★ “Shiro, when I was your age,,,,,,” “One day, you’re just not going to wake up.”

★ He somehow convinced Shiro to dress up as Watson while he was Sherlock

★ Hamilton’s number 1 fan

★ He spits out facts at random

  • “Y’know Alexander Hamilton spelt Philadelphia wrong in our Constitution?” 
  • Katie, who has been running on 3 hours of sleep: please shut tf up

★ “You’re a little shit Matt” “Atleast I don’t quote Fairy Tail any chance i get”

★ Matt: THIS BITCH EMPTY 
★ Katie, grabbing his backpack full of assignments from the Garrison: Y E E T

★ He hates coffee but will drink 5 cans of soda in an hour

★ “YOOOOO I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY WANT” “SO TELL ME WANT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT” “I WANNA–”

  • Sam Holt voice: Please,,,,just go to sleep”

★ He’s a Gryffindor

★ Someone bet him that he couldn’t eat 2 of the new Grand Macs

  • He ate 4, Katie ate 5
  • Everyone was impressed and low-key terrified

★ Shiro: bro take off your glasses
★ Matt: bro everything’s a blur
★ Shiro: that’s my life without you
 Matt, tearfully: Bro… 

Iverson: any questions?
Matt: Yeah, first of all, how dare you?

★ “Would you slap Katie for $2,000?” “I’d break both of Katie’s arms and my own leg for a small fry from McDonald's”

★ Shiro gave him one of his sweaters when it was cold out once

  • Shiro hasn’t seen it since

★ He had an emo phase that lasted 2 months before he got tired of the eyeliner

  • Katie likes to bring it up at the worst times

He’s covered in bandaids 90% of the time

  • Most times it’s because he and Katie were fucking around while building smth

★ “The amount of uses for a dead horse is infinite” “Matt, honestly, just go to church”

★ His mind is just a constant loop of that scene in VeggieTales where the realized they didn’t have hands and just sadly looked at each other

★ “KATIE POKEMON PIDGEOTTO HOLT

★ Mashed potatoes can and should fuck him up

★ Learned to play the kazoo for meme opportunity

★ Once burnt off one of his eyebrows from boiling water

★ Him and Katie do the handshake thing from Zack and Cody

★ Whenever someone asks to see a picture of Katie, he just pulls out a picture of Pidgey from Pokémon

  • Matt: Isn’t she pretty?

★ He beat every island in poptropica

★ He can make really nice flower crowns nobody has questioned it

★ He talks with his hands a lot

  • He’s hit Keith in the face more than once because of it

★ You know when it snowed in Egypt for the first time in years and that guy had that giant ass snowball and was gonna fucking dunk it on his friend?

  • That’s Matt

★ He can dance?? Where did he learn it? Nobody knows

★ “Keith I came as soon as i heard! I can’t believe it I knew you two were close”
★“Wtf are you talking about?”
★“Punk is dead, Keith”

★ When the rumour that MCR was coming back you bet your ass Matt was ready to blast every song whenever he saw Keith

★ “I’m Matt, the radar technician”

★ He recreated BB-8 from Star Wars: The Force Awakens and cried

★ “Bitch, I am a gift of God, square up”

  • Get it? Because Matthew means gift of God??

★ He can solve a rubix cube behind his back in under 35 seconds

★ If he laughs hard enough he’ll start snorting

  • 50% of the time he won’t notice because he’s too busy laughing
  • The other 50% he’ll stop and frown in disgust at his own snort

★ He found out Shiro poured his milk in before the cereal and kicked him out their dorm

Matt: Hey, Shiro, want to stay for dinner?
Colleen: Do you want to stay forever?

★ Iverson lowkey reminds him of Snape, so by default he just doesn’t like him

★ “Work, work!” “Matthew!”
    “Work, work!” “Katherine!”
    “,,,,,and Keith”
    “The conspiracy theorists!”

★ Unlike his sister, he likes to garden and starts one in their backyard with their mom

★ Matt would totally force Shiro to cosplay Team Rocket for Halloween with Pidge being Meowth and Keith being an edgier version of Ash Ketchum

  • Shiro as Jessie and Matt as James of course

★ He owns every pokemon game in existence

  • Pokemon Snap was his shit when he was like 7
  • He 360 noscoped the Pokemon with apples

★ Has read all of the Harry Potter books three times

★ He tried to teach Shiro how to dance

  • They never finished though because neither of them could take the sexual tension

★ He was more into the galaxies and multiple universes part of space, while Katie was excited for the tech advances 

  • They were both 100% ready for aliens though

★ Shiro told him he couldn’t create the Marauders Map, so he did out of spite

★ Talked in nothing but Shakespeare for a day to piss off Katie

★ He loved ducktales

  • Too bad he can’t see the reboot

★ Barbie and the 12 dancing princesses was his shit

★ When Katie was born, he brought a potato with him when he went to the hospital to compare the two

★ He always wore sweaters that didn’t quite fit him, so he could have Sweater Paws

★ There was a supposed ‘haunted’ house on his street, so him Katie and the Broganes all snuck out to investigate

  • A window broke while they were in there
  • Keith shapeshifted into Sonic and bolted, Katie started hysterically crying and laughing at the same time as she ran, and Matt jumped into Shiro’s arm and Shiro fuckin’ booked it
  • They all agreed not to talk about it

★ Once in gym, a ball was about to hit someone in the face but instead of yelling “duck!” he yelled “dICK”

  • To this day no one has let him live it down

★ Uses an absurd amount of emoticons when texting

★ 10/10 would meme again

★ Used the word “Yo” too many times to count

★ Tried to bury Katie underneath a bunch of snow when she was 10

★ He can’t swim

★ He’s cried during nearly every Disney and Pixar movie


[Read Part Two// Post-Kerberos! Matt HC here!]

Make fun of my kid? I'll get you back somehow.

So I am not sure if this belongs in @prorevenge, sense it wasn’t planned on my part. It kind of just fell in my lap. Feels more than petty, so here I am.

For a bit of background: My next door neighbor is/was a college student. She lives with our actual neighbor, her boyfriend. Typical crazy college kid. Weekend parties, drinking on her patio all hours of the night, and weird hours. You know the drill. I figured she was trying to experience college life, so why not? You do you lady!

Anyways one summer night last year she was sitting out on her back patio with her girlfriends doing their drunk thing. I am out wrapping up on some stuff with my toddler daughter. She at the time had a medical thing going on that caused her to walk a little weird. Nothing life altering and something that would heal with time. She did have a weeble waddle to her, especially when running. Sometimes she would fall right over. She was out running around with the dog and the ladies next door were waving and telling her how cute she was. All good.

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