thinking about trans girl jason grace is making me emotional like just….
1) she hates her big muscles. she wants to be slender and pretty, but shes too… big! shes just this big hunk of muscle from training her entire life and it makes her feel embarrassed, ashamed, dysphoric. then, when she and hazel are sparring, hazel pulls up her sleeves or takes off her sweater to reveal huge biceps and jason feels a little bit prettier in her skin. she looks at reyna’s arms a little, touching her own biceps and feels…. okay. like maybe being a girl is more complicated than she’d ever considered it could be.
2) she feels embarrassed, too, for realizing so late. will knew he was trans from when he was a little kid, and yet, up until she realized she could even THINK of being a girl, she just never had. she had been comfortable as a man, or at least she thought so, and now everything is scary and different and she doesnt get it.
will and dakota and reyna and leo all knew they were transgender from under the age of 12. here she is, 19, and she’s struggling to figure it all out. she’s glad for their support, but she feels… wrong. she’s at camp half blood talking about it quietly to annabeth one day and annabeth goes silent for a moment. then, jason finds herself guided to the big house, talking to mr d. mr d says he’s still confused about gender, even after all this time, and that its pretty normal to be, all things considered. she asks almost jokingly if its “ms or mrs d” and dionysus LAUGHS, shooing both girls away, sipping quietly at his usual can of soda.
3) she wonders if she should want to change her name. she doesnt mind it so much, though it feels odd occasionally. will says he’d kill anyone who called him by his deadname, reyna goes quiet and prefers not to talk about it. leo is mostly likewise, though he cracks an unfunny “leo-ina” joke that makes jason roll her eyes. dakota just offers him koolaid, says not to sweat it - lots of trans people dont change their names! but jason has yet to meet any girl anywhere named jason that continues to be called jason. how would she change her name anyways? who does she go to? would thalia want to help her pick? does it have to mean something? if she chose something with a j, would that be a stereotype? gods, if this was only less confusing.
4) but, time goes by and she grows more comfortable. she doesnt get the automatic defensive response when leo calls her “pretty lady”, and she refers to herself as a girl and stops forgetting her own pronouns out of habit. she grows more comfortable seeing her body as a womans body. things get easier. she gathers the courage to wear her favorite dresses and skirts more often, her hands grow more steady as she applies make-up on the rare occasions she has the energy to. dakota buys her a down with cis shirt as a joke and she laughs. she wears it as pajamas as often as its clean and goes to bed every night knowing she has people who support her. its taken a while, but she thinks…. maybe she’s happy. definitely, absolutely happy.