she has some good genes



In an exclusive 3-part interview, Anakin Skywalker reveals it all as he talks his family, the afterlife, the Starkiller duel, the mysteries of the Force, prophecies and the importance of having the perfect hairstyle.

Good evening, you are watching the latest edition of HoloNet’s award-winning talkshow The Voices From Beyond. I’m your host Luminara Motti. Joining us in our studio today is none other than the Hero With No Fear, the legendary pilot with no equal, one of the few to achieve immortality and the only person who fell to the Dark Side and came back to the Light, the man who was Darth Vader, the Chosen One himself! Please, ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME ANAKIN SKYWALKER!

Q: Good evening. It’s such an honor and privilege to have you here! We are so happy you managed to make time for us in your packed schedule with the state of crisis and despair your family is currently in, and all.

A: You could say that. Luckily for you, my wayward grandson retreated into seclusion to mediate and connect with his inner darkness for the fortnight - no new corpses added to his ever-growing body count list - so I’m free for the time being and very happy to be here.

Q: Talking about your grandson, it appears the apple didn’t indeed fall far from the Skywalker tree, so to speak, as he’s clearly inherited the habit of getting his lightsaber destroyed.

A: Well, yes, it would seem so. However, what happened in that Geonosis factory is something that I would attribute to youthful indiscretion. I was 19 back then, barely a child myself, you know. The memory of my mother’s brutal death still vivid on my mind, my father figure was being held captive by a Sith Lord and the love of my life was in mortal danger. MY GRANDSON, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS PUSHING 30! A Jedi royalty, a descendant of the Chosen One himself with 20+ years of training under his belt and he gets BEATEN BY A MALNOURISHED SCAVENGER GIRL FROM JAKKU 10 YEARS HIS JUNIOR, HALF HIS SIZE, WHO NEVER HELD A LIGHTSABER IN HER LIFE!  I don’t care if he was bleeding! He should have beaten her with his eyes closed and his right hand cut off! Becoming more powerful than me should be the last of his worries, because if he keeps this up, he won’t be becoming more powerful than any Jedi…EVER PERIOD! Grandson, if you are watching this I have a message for you - GROW UP AND GET IT TOGETHER!

Q: Of course, that now famous duel on Starkiller, the news about it went viral. It’s hard to differentiate the truth from the fiction. But you, of course, must have been there and seen everything; could you give us your account of the events as you had the front row seats there, so to say. What are your thoughts on that battle and would you mind sharing some insider tidbits?

A: Honestly, I was rooting for the girl. Actually, we all did -  me, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, because that Sith wannabe was in need of a good beating. It was the most fun we’ve had in thirty years! To tell you the truth, I even secrectly tipped the odds in her favour when I prevented him from pulling the lightsaber from the snow, but don’t tell Master Yoda. We made bets on the winner and he was bettting on my grandson because he was like ‘trained by my Padawan he was. Lose he cannot’, and all that. But we desert people need to stick together. I mean, she was there, in the freezing winter wearing nothing but that flimsy outfit! I was sneezing and shivering, even though I can’t even feel cold in the first place! Thank Force, for places like Mustafar!

Q: You did bet against your own grandson, your own flesh and blood?!

A: My blood or not, HE DIDN’t EVEN COVER HIS OWN BACK, FOR FORCE’S SAKE! A BEGINNER’S MISTAKE! I did some pretty stupid and idiotic things in my lifetime but never something THAT stupid and idiotic.

Q: From your words just now, I take it you must be fond of Rey. You certainly seem to like her.

A: Of course, I like her! She kicked my emo grandson’s arse! Something I’ve been wishing to do for over 10 years now! I was more than happy to provide her with a kicking boot, in this case my lightsaber.

Q: Talking about the former scavenger, the Galaxy’s new only hope as she’s been labeled by many, there have been some serious suspicions about her origins, since her past and family remain a complete mystery - she doesn’t even have a family name. Naturally, this has caused some speculations together with her insane, almost Skywalker-like, piloting skills, vast knowledge of mechanics, understanding of the Binary, being stuck on a desert planet, but most importantly, PULLING THE LEGENDARY SKYWALKER LIGHTSABER FROM THE SNOW, and being on verge of training under the son of Skywalker. ALTOGETHER, YOU CAN’T DENY SHE HAS A VERY DISTINCTIVE SKYWALKER FEEL ABOUT HER.

A: I’m not telling you! Obviously, I know everything about her, and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING! We’ve been keeping an eye on her, Obi-Wan and me, even when she lived on Jakku, that junkyard! Surviving on a mere quarter portion a day (even I did eat better when I lived in slavery on Tatooine!) and living in that derelict AT-AT surrounded by the neverending ocean of sand. THE HORROR! IT GETS EVERYWHERE!

Q: Could you give us at least a small hint or a tidbit? Or perhaps comment on the rumours of her being related to your BBF Obi-Wan Kenobi? The suspense is killing us!

A: Let me see, what can I reveal…SHE HATES SAND, OBVIOUSLY. Like seriously, she has nightmares about it and have you ever heard her say that she hates flying or that flying is for droids? I mean, some of you still must remember the problems Obi-Wan had during the Battle of Coruscant 53 years ago, right? I’m recalling how badass Rey was in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, so if she has some Kenobi genes she is very good at hiding them, that’s for sure.

(Read the full story here: The Shocking Truth Finally Revealed)

|| Our exclusive interview with the Chosen One continues after the commercial break with Part 2.