when i was 7, i hated my accent. I was the new girl in a texas school coming straight from new orleans. the kids made fun of me so I changed the way i talked to fit in.
when I was 9, my aunt lost custody of her daughter and my cousin came to live with us. she was of fair complexion, much like our mothers- with long, silky hair. when we would go out to the store people would stop us and say “my, your daughter is so beautiful, with all that pretty long hair” referring to my cousin. and i was there too. wanting to be seen. but my mother would say “that’s my niece and this is my daughter"… the looks on their face would change. I began to hate my skin at 10. My body was changing and so was my outlook on self esteem. when I was 12, I hated my body. I was fat. Every morning I stood in the mirror, I would shove 3 fingers down my throat, in hopes of cleansing my stomach of all fat. I went days without eating… just drinking water and throwing up. when i was 13, I was avidly playing sports. basketball, volleyball, tennis, softball… anything in hopes of losing weight. i made it to be 150lbs and still thought i was fat. when i was 14, I lost my virginity in the most unconventional way ever. i thought that sharing the most precious part of me was somehow tied to the attraction of others… and if they’d like me enough to want to have sex with me. I focused so much on maintaining external beauty that i was failing my inner self. by 17, I had contemplated suicide more than twice. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. The mirror became my enemy. at 20 years old, I entered a terribly toxic relationship. i felt that he was all I had, and if he left me… who would want me? I stayed through a lot of emotional abuse. through all of this, the number on the scale has constantly fluctuated. at 22, I am able to say that I’ve conquered myself. I’ve been through a lot and the journey of self love has been the most perilous. Every day, there is something new. A new fad, a new beauty standard- a new way to make yourself appear slimmer, a new tea, a new diet… whatever. none of those things will work if you don’t find and appreciate your own inner beauty. love yourself first. love yourself always. the number on the scale will change but you must continue to love yourself. lead a healthy lifestyle. take care of your body both physically and mentally. drink water. see a doctor. see a therapist. don’t deal with things on your own. someone will listen and someone will help.
don’t give up on yourself.
you are your greatest feat.