shawinigan handshake

Who should you fight: Canadian Prime Ministers

Sir John A Macdonald: Don’t fight Macdonald. You will lose. He’s Scottish and drunk and probably would throw a whiskey bottle through your head. He would absolutely fight dirty. You don’t build a country without fighting dirty.

Alexander Mackenzie: You could probably take Mackenzie, but he was a builder as a young man, so it wouldn’t be a cakewalk.

John Abbott: The first of the PMs nobody can name. I mean, sure, go for it, but nobody will know who you’re talking about when you win.

John Thompson: He was overweight enough that he died in office from a heart attack. You’d win, feel bad, AND nobody would know who you were talking about.

Mackenzie Bowell: Make a poop joke about his last name. He’d kick your ass, but it would be funny.

Charles Tupper: He may have only been PM for 69 days, but if you made a crack about his neckbeard, he’d probably lose it and beat you in a rage. Not worth it.

Wilfrid Laurier: Fight Laurier. Get him talking about a grand vision for Canada and drop him in the gut. You can win this one.

Robert Borden: You might lose to Borden, but wouldn’t it feel good to sock someone who ran under “A White Canada” in the mouth?

Arthur Meighen: Absolutely fight Meighen. Meighen looks like he has never worked a day with his hands. Tell him he was one of the least effective Prime Ministers and then Winnipeg Strike his ass.

William Mackenzie King: Oh man, this would not go well. Built like a brick wall and he would probably summon up ghosts. He’d tell you it he’d want to fight in English and deny it in French, and he’d just absorb whatever you threw at him.

R. B. Bennett: Remind him he is considered the worst Prime Minister this country has ever seen. He’ll go off and sulk in England and you’ll win by default.

Louis St. Laurent: I mean, I guess you could fight St. Laurent. You’d probably win, but nobody seems to feel strongly about him on pretty much anything, so is it worth it?

John Diefenbaker: Don’t fight Dief. Dief the Chief would go into some wild prairie prophet trance and would keep on hitting you long after you stopped moving. And if you somehow won, you’d then have to deal with all of Saskatchewan seeking revenge. Laugh now, but even if you can see them coming for three days, they will never, ever stop.

Lester B. Pearson: Why would you fight Mike Pearson? What kind of person would see that bowtie and Nobel Peace Prize and want to fight? You’d win and you would feel horrible.

Pierre Trudeau: DO NOT FIGHT TRUDEAU. Pierre isn’t a big man, but he’s all wiry muscle and insouciance. He’d probably have a knife under his rose and he would hit you with a saucy quip as you lay bleeding on the floor.

Joe Clark: What did Joe ever do to you? Go fight Mulroney instead.

John Turner: You could take Turner, he’d have no option.

Brian Mulroney: You think Mulroney would be a fighter, but that chin is made of glass. Everybody in Atlantic Canada would help you, and it would bring the country together.

Kim Campbell: Again, why would you fight Campbell? She wasn’t PM long enough to do anything. Fight Mulroney.

Jean Chretien: DO NOT FIGHT CHRETIEN. DO. NOT. FIGHT. CHRETIEN. When Chretien was a child, he started a new semester by finding the biggest kid in his grade and beating the shit out of him. You’re lucky if all he does is give you the Shawinigan Handshake. He will fight hard, he will fight dirty, and he will destroy you.

Paul Martin: Tell him that his legacy is overshadowed by Chretien. Easy win.

Stephen Harper: You’d think this would be an easy win, but Harper is like 6″2′. If you got the drop on him, you could lay him out, but if you got him mad enough he would probably snap and channel all that rage he’s been holding in into a flailing fury.

Justin Trudeau: He’s young, athletic, and a boxer. In a fair fight he’d go into his yoga trance and beat you. Use dirty tactics. Be careful that he does not seduce you instead.