i unironically really like gordon ramsay as a person like, he only gets pissed when people are being legitimately shitty or are hurting their customers and the dude’s real fuckin good with children like, you’ll never see gordon ramsay being a dick to a child doesnt matter if they give him play doh on a fuckin platter and act like its a rata god damn touille hes nice and only mean to people that are fucking shit and basically gordon ramsay being seen as an angry shitty chef whos mean for no reason is bullshit and he does shit like fight really hard against slaughtering endangered species for frivolous bullshit like shark fin soup. basically gordon ramsay is the best tv chef and if i see anyone say bobby flay is better, whoever the fuck that is, i will blow a god damn gasket thank you for reading
@staff @support @greeningz
Here’s a little lecture from Undyne about this here advertisement, I’ll be typing up what she says as I’m afraid she will break my keyboard if I let her type this.
Hello humans! Today you are gonna get a lesson on fish, get ready to learn! First of all, the strong amazing warrior of a fish you see in the above image is a frilled shark. And no, Greeningz, it’s not a dangerous sea creature. They spend most of their lives below 50 meters (160 feet), and have been caught as deep as 1570 meters. If you don’t have gills like me, you’d never be able to swim down deep enough to see where they normally live. They only come to the surface when sick, dying, or caught by fishing nets. It’s maximum length is 2 m (6.6 feet), around the height of Papyrus. Even if you did encounter a frilled shark, it’s not dangerous. It only eats boney fish and mainly cephalopods, mostly squids. It has tiny needle like teeth meant for snagging soft squids, and a very weak bite for its size. If it tried to bite a human, it could very well lose a lot of its teeth and risk it’s jaws being broken. It’s not like me with my chompers (editors note: Undyne is gnashing her teeth and almost bit my webcam in half. I don’t have the guts to explain this isn’t being a recorded video).
Anyway, this shark is not dangerous at all, unlike humans. I love anime and know Alphys wants to take me there, but I’ve heard bad things about “Japan”. Did you know that in the oceans bordering it, the humans capture frilled sharks, and turn it into fish meal? It’s a better fate than some of the other sharks, in Ass-eye-ah (editors note: I think she is trying to say Asia, all those years underground have done a number on the geography education of monsters) fishermen grab sharks and cut off the fins, and throw the still living sharks back into the water to bleed out. They don’t take the rest of the shark, because their fins are worth more, because they are sold to make a special soup supposed to have magic powers. I get it, you humans want to have food that gives magical power buffs like some monster food gives, but it doesn’t work that way, and being cruel to sharks won’t help. Let’s not even get into what they do to the whales and dolphins.
sharks kill less than 10 humans a year. Most are cases of mistaken identity, but humans kill over 100 million sharks a year. Entire species driven to extinction. Typical humans, as a monster, I know how it feels when humans don’t understand and are scared of something, so they let bullies and people with uncaring destructive souls massacre an entire species and wipe it out, and justify it by claiming it’s just the way it’s been for a long time and that it’s to make places safer for humans. You want to know the most dangerous sea creature on the planet? The one that kills countless others, and is responsible for killing more humans at sea than all the other sea creatures put together?
Its humans. You have been killing each other at sea ever since you could make boats. I have been told that the flag I found was not about skeletons and humans, the skull and crossbones apparently means death, which doesn’t make sense because Papyrus and Sans wouldn’t kill a fly, right? Human pirates would use this flag to warn other ships to stay away, and they would kill people and steal from other ships. Today, people at sea still kill each other because of greed and hatred.
I’m listening to Alphys and trying to use science and education to change you humans and make you more empathetic, but if you keep fearmongering about sharks and killing them, and keep destroying the ocean, I’m going to handle this my way. I’m going to become a pirate. I already have an eyepatch and I can get that bird that carries you over a little gap in Waterfall to sit on my shoulder like a parrot. I’ll take the royal guard and Papyrus as my crew, and I’ll go hunt down these humans that kill sharks and whales and dolphins, and these people that encourage such genocide of wildlife, and I’ll give you HUMANS a REAL DANGEROUS SEA CREATURE to FEAR! NGAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
(Editors note: please stop finning sharks, she is scaring me)
Harold the loggerhead turtle with her favorite keeper.
For anyone who may be wondering, this is always initiated by Harold! She picks favorite divers and follows them around being obnoxious until someone sits on her and gives her proper scritches. We see her here enjoying some chill out time while also considering trying to eat the diver’s fins.
Aries:Born in an underwater volcano, their scales are made of freshly formed stone, their heated bodies glowing a brilliant red and orange. The fastest swimmers, and some say the oldest lineage of mer. They have no natural enemy, as nothing can bare the heat of its touch. When too many gather in one place, the water may boil and kill any living creature too close. Taurus:Guardians of the strait, their bodies decorated with tribal tattoos and scars. Some bare spears and brilliant gold armor, others wielding nets and dawning decorative gems and shells. The strongest of the mer, no man has ever passed their lands to learn their secrets. Gemini:When the sky over the sea turns black and the storms take ships by surprise, these mer rise. The tricksters and shapeshifters, they thrive in the chaos. They board the confused ship, throwing over and assuming the forms of shipmates. From there they slowly overthrow from the inside, until they can crash the ship itself into to sea for the mer to reap their rewards. Cancer:The rarest and most beautiful of the mer. Hiding in springs and rivers nestled deep in the mountains, they live their lives as one with nature. They teach the birds their songs, and bring fish for the bear and deer. They help the beavers build their dams and show lost turtles the way. On the full moon they must hide, for man seeks them for their own selfish gain. Leo:These mer are known for their hunting prowess. Living in saltwater and decorated in bright vivid greens, blues and purples, they dominate entire lagoons and coasts. When they are full from the hunt, they lay their bodies out on the rocks and bathe in the sun. By nightfall, they are glowing and can light up the murkiest parts of the water to find their prey. Virgo:In unsuspecting ponds across the world, a fisherman may meet his brutal end at the hands of these mer. Rich brown, thin and boney, their bodies are perfect creating elaborate underground tunnels and rooms. They eat their prey, and take their treasures back to their secret lairs. Here they trade and barter with one another in one large room. Lore says this is the world’s oldest market place. Their unspoken diplomacy is unexplained. Libra:Living by a tall sharp cliff nested full of harpies, these mer have developed a symbiotic relationship. Storms bring ships off the sea, where the harpies kill the crews leaving the ships to crash into the rocks and sinking. These mer seize this chance and collect every jewel and gold they can find. They construct elaborate jewelry, crowns, spears, and more. Once a year they gift beautiful pendants to their partners in the sky. Scorpio:Baring a striking resemblance to a shark with long pointed fins and sharp sandpaper like skin, this mer lurks in dark lagoons and swamps. They have a reputation as ‘evil’ and were once almost hunted into extinction. Ever since they have lived solitary lives in the waters man dare not tread. In all reality, they are herbivores, and pose no threat to man or beast. Contrary, they will do anything they can to save a lost or wounded soul. Sagittarius:Every year thousands of humans gather to watch the mass migration of mer up the rivers of South America. Their scales are a radiant Grey that reflects the rainbow in the light. The light show that they create as they jump hundreds of feet to scale waterfalls is an equal match to the aurora borialis. Once they reach their goal, they find their mates for the first time, hand in hand one week later they dive off the falls back into the sea. Capricorn:Deep in a trench lies a civilization of the most technologically advanced mer to ever live. While man was discovering fire, they were cresting technology to leave the ocean and fly through the skies in water filled disc ships. They have no need to leave, they as a race have reached a point of enlightenment. Fitting for their gold scales and glowing white eyes. Sightings of these mer are often equated with meeting a God. Aquarius:Sewer mer are the most unique of the species. They have no eyes, instead they navigate with echo location making clicking noises. Their skin can blend into its surroundings, so they can catch humans unsuspectingly passing by. As evolution has taken its course, they have gained an immunity to disease, poison, and a skin impenetrable by most mortal means. They will not always live in the dark and dank, the future will be theirs, and man will fall to their power. All in due time. Pisces:The most well known mer are the oasis born. Why? Long ago, a prince found himself lost in the desert, he and his two men pulling a giant box of gold. With their mortality in front of them, an oasis appeared on the horizon as if a gift from the heavens. Perched on a rock in the very center, braiding her hair and humming to herself sat the most beautiful half woman half fish. This was the first time one of his people had seen any mer. He asked her to come back with him, pouring all his gold into the oasis and filling it with water so she could make the journey home with her guidance. She agreed. He died the first night they were wed, and so did his father both of a mysterious disease. She ruled the land with a fair but iron fist for 146 years until she once day dissappeared, some say to return to her gold filled oasis.
The stuff that happens to sharks is absolutely horrible (finning, culling, etc.). Also, shame on the media for exacerbating the public’s fear of sharks. Let’s just be nice to sharks. I might make buttons out of this.
John: hot sand hot sand hot sand *makes it to the water* cold water cold water cold water (this goes on for like an hour before he settles finally). Brought one of those fake shark fins and straps it to the top of his head. He fools no one. Brought approximately 53 kites and loses All of them because Dave said “hey I bet your kites can’t hold up against your windy thing”. He was right. Tells Karkat that the ocean speaks to ppl through conch shells, he holds one up to his ear, nods, “sorry Karkat, the ocean says you’re an idiot”. Karkat is horrified and John is dying trying to keep a straight face.
Dave: has a SBAHJ swimsuit and a SBAHJ surfboard. Challenges Jade to a surf-off. “Are you sure, Dave? I’ve had a lot of practice and it’s not as easy as it looks! I’ve got it, Dave reassures her. How difficult can it be. She warned u, bro. She warned u about the surf. He does not get back in the water. Fills a bucket with crabs of various shapes and sizes throughout the day, at the end he calls Karkat over to where he’s standing by the waters edge. Hey. Hey Karkat. Look what I found. He pours the crabs out at Karkat’s feet. Karkat looks unsettled. Dave. Where did you even find all these crabs Dave. They’re your children Karkat. I did this for you.
Jade: spends the whole day in the water and also she is a surf goddess did I mention that? Doesn’t put any sunscreen in and everyone is concerned but she barely even tans. After getting out of the water she does the Wet Doggo Shake™ Jade can u pls just warn us before u do that pls you’re getting us all soaking wet. Smells suspiciously like wet dog but everyone is too polite to point it out. Helps Dave collect his crabs bc she has an uncanny knack for finding them (she’s sniffing them out with her doggy nose but doesn’t tell Dave bc she wants to show off).
Rose: builds sand castles with Kanaya bc Kanaya is deadass terrified of the ocean. They surpass sandcastle tbh it’s more like a sand palace. Rose found a bunch of nice purpley shells to decorate with and also some rocks that look suspiciously arcane and vaguely powerful. High tide somehow wipes out the group’s chairs but doesn’t touch the sandcastle. Hm. Chastises Dave for building dicks out of the sand. Is there something you’d like to tell us, Dave? *Dave sweating* what’s a penis I don’t even know anyone named Karkat. Rose smiles innocently. Of course not. Throughout the day, Rose brings water for Kanaya to drink and also to dump on her so she can regulate her body temperature. Since she’s a cold-blood her body temp is lower so she overheats v easily.
Kanaya: is deadass terrified of the ocean. Does the detail work on the castle she and Rose are making, carves out little stairs and turrets and makes flags out of spare ribbon she keeps in her bag. It’s beautiful. She cries at the end of the day when they have to leave it even though they’ve taken lots of pictures. . Karkat comes up to her with a conch shell and holds it out to Kanaya, “john told me the ocean said I was an idiot Kanaya what is it saying I can’t hear anything” She takes the conch shell and listens. Mmhm. Yes. Oh My. “What did it say???” It Was Really Quite Rude, I Shouldn’t Repeat It. Karkat is about to cry. Kanaya and Rose secretly fist bump.
Karkat: oh boy this has really been A Day for him. He’s nervous around the ocean already but apparently it thinks he’s an idiot??? He loves the crabs they remind him of his lusus, it was slightly horrifying that Dave put a bunch of them in a bucket for obvious reasons. Wants to be buried in the sand, Jake helps him dig a big hole and he and Dave and Dirk all work together to make it big enough and fill it in afterwards. Dave writes “im gay” underneath Karkat’s head poking out and Karkat yells at him for taking pictures. Sollux falls asleep on his towel and Karkat writes “beefucker” on his forehead.
Terezi: before they got there everyone told Terezi not to lick the sand. Guess what she did. Also, accidentally popped the beach ball with her teeth because she was licking it. There’s a theme here can u find it. Is in the water a lot because Vriska is desperately trying to regulate her body temperature and has v little energy to say mean things which everyone is grateful for. To make her feel better, Terezi engages in wildly uncreative insults that Vriska can easily latch onto without having to put much energy in. “Hey Terezi is the water cold?” I don’t know john, is your FACE cold? “Terezi that doesn’t even make any sense”, your face doesn’t make any sense! She cackles as if this is some High Brow Humor every single time.
Jake: has an irrational fear of seagulls, they keep coming for his food and that makes him nervous because the monsters on his island were one thing but this? This sly and wily creature? Dirk is like,,,buddy,,,it’s just a seagull? It’s just a bird? “They’re eating my fries, Dirk, I won’t stand for it!” Jake has a little ukulele that he knows like five songs on, he sits outside by the boardwalk and just strums it sometimes after dark. One night, two little kids come by and give him 6 dollars in crumpled singles for his playing and he started crying he was so touched.
Jane: is having the TIME of her life, and is also the Mom friend. She’s simultaneously kicking ass at beach volleyball and reminding everyone to put on their sunscreen and reapply every two hours please! She’s also having a good time experimenting with cooking seafood some nights, though once she made the mistake of bringing in crab and Karkat did Not take it well. It took an hour to calm him down. Jane felt awful and made it up to him by buying him a nice hoodie w a happy crab on it. Bought a cute little blue boogie board and hangs out with Jade and Roxy in the water, she’s not very good at it but she likes swimming around a little.
Dirk: he’s that one friend that goes way too hard in casual games tbh. Like, they’re just playing a friendly game of volleyball Dirk can you please stop spiking it every five seconds. The grind never stops, Roxy, don’t hate the player hate the grind. Jane looked at him w so much disappointment in her eyes after he said it that he felt the force of her stare physically and had to take a step back. Tries to show Jake that seagulls aren’t scary by feeding them, but they start attacking him for his fries which does not help prove his point at all.
Roxy: “the babe” Lalonde has been ready for a beach trip her entire life. She is checking out the lifeguards, she’s checking out the other gals and dudes strolling about the beach, she’s got her best friends with her, what more could she want??? She buys a cutesy pink surfboard and Dave makes fun of her for it and she smiles sweetly. Oh sorry Dave? I forgot you were so good at surfing?? No one knows how or when Roxy learned to hang ten but THERE SHE GOES. She finds a lot of pretty shells and rocks and sand dollars and is just enthusiastic about everything tbh. She brightens everyone’s mood always.
Calliope: cherubs can’t float so Roxy’s overprotective ass won’t let her near the water unless someone is with her and making sure she’s safe. This is Fine with calliope bc that means that she’s never alone and therefore she’s never lonely and really that’s all she’s ever wanted so!! She’s v content to watch Jade and Roxy surf, she will sit w Jane sometimes when she isn’t in the water. She also likes digging for sand crabs with Karkat bc she likes their little legs. She wants to dig deep enough to find a lobster and no one has the heart to tell her that’s not how it works.
Sollux: this idiot. This boy. My sweet sweet son. Makes the horrible mistake of falling asleep on his towel. He was underneath the big umbrella when he started, but as the sun moves and he’s not putting on more sunscreen?? John, Dave, and Karkat take it upon themselves to not only write “beefucker” on his forehead, but also draw dicks on his whole body in sunscreen so he burns (trolls turn a darker shade of their blood color) and ends up with these pale gray dicks surrounded by a horrible dark, mustardy burn.