shame i now have to save this for my holiday :(

quotes from my friends sentence starters:

“I wore vans high tops and a pair of ripped leggings to my bourgeoisie job and you know what? I feel free.”
“Mood: running into an ex therapist in an Old Navy and having cold sweats once you realize she has all your secrets and could demolish your existence.”
“America: hates nazis in movies, loves them in real life.”
“The next time my butthole will unclench the year’ll be 2020 and Trump will be voted outta office.”
“Americans are so fucking selfish.”
“I know me eating a pint of brown rice while crying over Obama on this train isn’t even my rock bottom which makes this even more depressing.”
“I can tell which white people voted for Trump because they all look inbred.”
“The only thing weaker than the MTA’s subway wifi is my will power.”
“Who gonna take this L and wipe out the incoming regime?”
“Not to brag but my first concert was an American Idol tour show feat. Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice.”
“I’ve decided to not shave my legs during the entirety of Trump’s reign. Half because fuck his beauty standard and half because I’m elevating my laziness.”
“I haven’t watched a movie in English in days, so logically I’m watching Narnia to make the transition back to this nasty Anglo-Saxon language.”
“The only network to consistently deliver engaging quality content is HGTV.”
“The oxymoron of a lifetime- my ethics professor voted for Trump.”
“I wanna go to sleep but Leah Remini’s out here spilling this fucking scientology tea on this A&E docuseries marathon so wide eyed I am.”
“I change my mind about Shia LaBeouf eleven times a day.”
“Punching Nazis in the face is the only meme I endorse.”
“You shouldn’t listen to someone that only speaks in absolutes.”
“I watched that video of that Nazi getting punched in the face about a thousand times and I tear up a little bit every time.”
“It is perfectly okay to punch Nazis in the face.”
“2017 to smell worse than any year on record.”
“Where are all the people that I don’t hate?”
“I wish I was married to Susie Essman so she could yell at me all day.”
“I’m only interested in Janeane Garofalo.”
“What’s your second favorite Law and Order?”
“Every time I cry it’s because I thought about Magnolia again.”
“I miss Prince a lot more than I expected I would.”
“Shout out to Aimee Mann.”
“I hope season two of the young pope has an even younger pope.”
“I haven’t heard someone say Hamilton in two weeks, we must be in grave danger.”
“My stomach doesn’t hurt because of something I ate, it hurts because of who I am.”
“I have a lot of great ideas for different shapes of napkins.”
“It’s okay, I have hummus.”
“I still think that everyone is using the internet incorrectly.”
“Only Pepto Bismol™ can save us now.”
“My New Years resolution is to complain more.”
“All the best holidays are shame based.”
“Jesus had no idea North America existed.”
“Ghosts aren’t real. The last one died over 400 years ago.”
“I’m actually made of four synchronized ghosts.”
“I feel like I’m just waiting for the next commercial to come along and give my life purpose again.”
“I have woken up screaming every day since November 9th.”
“I love finding new places to sit down for a while and just take a break.”
“What’s your 4th favorite Ben Affleck movie?”
“Advent calendars are the only reason I would go goy.”
“There is almost no difference between 1968 and 2016.”
“Trump bought the 2016 election at an auction in 2003.”
“Manhattan is like two years away from looking full blown Blade Runner.”
“I don’t care about Americans that don’t care about Americans.”