shall we call it

pokemon scientist: it was born from mew…. we shall call it Mewtwo

lab assistant: Max, your son’s on the phone for you

scientist [answering phone]: Maxtwo, I told you. daddys busy at the lab today

Beating major d*ck.

Some people just like to use their power to bash people and degrade people publicly. Whenever I encounter these people I like to grasp the situation firmly in hand and beat them down. In this case I give you special piece of crap we shall call D*ck. D*ck is a older guy who has worked for a branch of state law enforcement for many years. He was very vocal about being three years away from full state retirement and about his rank in state gov.

I was working as a contractor doing some I.T. work. We had a large group to move the department forward at least 10 years technology wise. It was all hands on deck to prep computers for the incoming new computers and of course setting up the new ones. In my case as a coder/network grunt I was being ‘borrowed’ and more than happy to help.

D*ck was the only jerk out of at least 300 people I had enjoyably encountered. He complained about anything he could figure to complain about and would go over the departments managers heads to complain. Part of what I was asked to do was inventory their software used, directories mapped, and to copy files to their new network folders. Keep in mind we did a copy of the data and not a move. When new computers arrived the network copy served as a way to making sure the data was backed up before it was cloned over to the new system. D*ck was livid that someone touched his computer and swore we deleted a file we could not find.

I was marched up to his office with my management team and the department’s senior. I promptly found his file on his new system (and on the network). I happened to notice that he had newly installed a newsreader but did not say anything about it. I knew if I called him out on it I would get canned and they would not look into it. Instead I opened the reader while D*ck was bashing me in the hallway to his audience and changed his preferences. Now the files would not delete when they were read or deleted. Keeping in mind this was in the late 90’s and the internet was still a new thing for many. A lot of people would download their porn from newsgroups (usenet) by using a newsreader to download everything new dumped in the selected group (think like a folder). Groups would follow a theme or where supposed to. The reader would put all the pieces together so you could see the images or video and copy them to folders. I was made to apologize  in front of him and marched off in shame. D*ck was really throbbing with all of his smugness.

I was passed off from that project to just doing a rework of some DOS based software. I told my suck up manager that a lot of people were downloading and installing software on their own. My manager clicked that it was work we could be tasked with doing to create billable hours and that he could score suckup points with. This in turn created various email distributions and policy updates. I also point out that we need something about appropriate usage - great! The policy also now highlights that any private use on government equipment is subject to the same rules as fraud - perfect. This helps later because there is NO wiggle room for offenders. In turn my manager was more than pleased with me and treated me golden - hell he even bought me lunch.

I quickly forgot all about D*ck and found myself expanding the list of software that needed to be rewritten by me. This kept me busy and extended my contract. My boss was happy, my agency was happy, and my clients were very happy.

Fast forward few months later. I get back to the office and the bosses are there looking for a coworker. They asked me if I knew anything about d*cks new system and I told them HELL no. They walk off and told me if I saw the coworker to send him over.

When my coworker (who was an employee and not a contractor) returned I told him about the managers, my encounter with Major D*ck and tipped him off about the newsreader. My coworkers eyes lit up and he stood straight like a huge weight had been lifted. It turns out that D*ck once again had senior staff watch the 'stupid idiot’ fix the computer that the “tech broke being incompetent’. Surprise - It turns out it was out of disk space and would not re-start. The tech had to boot from a disk and delete temp files just to boot. In front of everyone the tech points out that one directory was filling the drive with images. Once he had everyone’s attention he then popped open some images. Porn immediately filled the screen including some very sketchy stuff from what I hear.

The tech was ushered out and D*ck lost his job. Instead of putting D*ck into jail they covered asses and terminated him. No job, no power, and pension for you D*CK.

Juvia is definitely a stalker.

She even invaded Gray’s sub-conscious once…

twice….

…and a third time!

I mean, how far can she go? Not even Sigmund Freud would be able to solve this psychological stalking situation, because Gray is definitely not interested in her that way to actually think about this dangerous being on his own. Definitely not.

It’s canon Gray wouldn’t approve her stalking tendencies. Yeah she stopped about 400+ chapters ago but how can you justify the invasion of Gray’s psyche? She literally has no control of herself. Poor little abused and harassed Gray-sama. We shall call the police maybe. Juvia definitely needs to be reclused in a corner where she cannot stalk him. Freud send help pls.

____

lmao guys I suck at irony but I needed to write this down.

Juvia Lockser isn’t a stalker and Gray definitely loves her approves her, as more than a friend too.

But he isn’t the only one…

FRIENDLY REMINDER Silver Fullbuster actually left Gray in care of Juvia ( to his stalker omg what kind of father would do that!1! Did she brainwash him? Is Silver anti-gray too?) in other words: HE GAVE HIS BLESSING TO THE COUPLE.

Father’s approval? Mh, a pretty big deal in Japan don’t you think?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

2

We’ve managed to slip evolution’s leash now, haven’t we? We can cure any disease, keep even the weakest of us alive and one fine day perhaps we shall even resurrect the dead, call forth Lazarus from his cave. Do you know what that means? That means we are done, that this is as good as we’re going to get.

OK it’s official in the ‘riz ahmed as james potter fancast’ roxy and i have decided, riz is james potter, diego luna is sirius black, gael garcia bernal is remus lupin and danny pudi is peter pettigrew

waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonlee replied to your post “haha i started to say ‘not to be a bitch’ but i totally mean to be a…”

he deserves better

waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonleereplied to your post

“haha i started to say ‘not to be a bitch’ but i totally mean to be a…”

Especially when you consider that poor Harry….. used to…… be… a baker

RIGHT??? I mean, if it was a cake made by a friend, I totally give it a pass, but if it’s a cake from a bakery? NOPE. 

I understand that this is something that people don’t care about, but I am such a home made cake pusher. For my aunt’s 50th bday, I made 5 different cakes, all from scratch, 5 different flavors, fillings, frostings, each completely different. And I’m a hobby baker. Cakes are my favorite part of bdays. No one should have a crappy cake ever. ESPECIALLY NOT HARRY STYLES.

THIS IS A NIALL HORAN CALLOUT POST

So when you search on Google or Bing or whatever your preferred search engine is, your search history influences the results you see.

So if I do a search for St. Patrick’s Day in an incognito window that has no search history, I get a bunch of results, but there is a distinct lack of one Niall Horan..

Ok, so let’s do a search when I’m logged in to my fandom account there. My search history has some Niall in it, definitely tied to One Direction. But nope, still a distinct lack of the Irish lad, Niall Horan.


So Niall, been searching yourself so much that a picture of you gets pushed up so high in the results?

2

I don’t have time *cough*nor motivation*cough* to do a proper fanart, so take this shitty sketch with some colour slapped over it (i like the colorless version more btw)

3

Hello Suga Loves,

I want to tell you about my gold mine experience tonight from tinder bitches!. So i matched with this guy he’s black we shall call him London because that’s where he’s from. I see his pics and he dresses well and every photo he got a new car. So we exchanged numbers blah blah skipping over he tells me “what do you think I want from you and be honest” me playing dumb I’m like “you want companionship while you’re here , right?!” I know exactly what this motherfucka want. He’s hinting at sex but is trying to say he doesn’t want anything from me 🙄. I don’t like when people beat around the bush like if you want sex be upfront about it! But he’s acting all innocent like I’m not gonna do anything with you, I’m gonna follow your lead. Something in my gut was telling me something isn’t right, the way he was talking as if he didn’t want sex but kept bringing it up. Then we start texting and he’s like I want to give you cash to go shopping . I’m like 👀👂🏼so he tells me to take a cab and he will give me the money, I don’t trust it because a cab from me to him would have been like $60 and if shit went left I would’ve been assed out 60 bucks, so a bitch took the train close enough and then took a cab for $10 😩. So I get there he puts $1300 in my bag yes hoes I repeat $1300 we get it poppin and I’m currently in a cab on my way home. I left my house with $10 in my bag and my debit card I kid you not, and come back with $1310 lmao. 07-22-16

I’m a thick bitch with cellulite , we all have a chance in all shapes and sizes.

Happy hoeing!!

Yoongi/Taehyung Scenario - ‘Rock-a-bye baby’

Requested by a lovely anon <3 (ok listen… this is that one about the young pregnancy decision and I know it was supposed to be specifically about Yoongi, but I kinda took it and ran with it. WILL BE MADE IN PARTS <3<3<3) 

*Don’t own the gif/s yo*

Author: Taebaby

You’d never felt so uncomfortable in your life. Sitting in a cold office on an unpleasantly hard chair, a loud clock ticking on the wall and Yoongi bouncing his knee in impatience in the seat next to you. Even though you wore a sweater, you couldn’t keep yourself from shaking. You jumped when the door banged open and a smiling man in a suit walked in and sat down behind the desk in front of the two of you.

               “Hello! Sorry to have kept you waiting, there was a phone call… Anyway, let’s get down to business, shall we? I understand we’re here on account of signing some adoption papers, yes?” The man looked from you to Yoongi, and when Yoongi didn’t answer, you did.

               “Yes,” Your voice scratched out and you cleared your throat, “Yes.”

               “Ok, great. Well, I have a few forms here to go over with you… Let’s start with something basic- do you know if you’d like an open or closed adoption?”

               “Um…” You looked towards Yoongi, but he hadn’t taken one glance at you the entire time you’d been there. It made you feel empty, so you looked away, “What’s the difference?”

               “Well, with an open adoption, you would be allowed contact with the child after it has been given to the new guardians. The parent or parents may want you present at holiday gatherings or birthdays, and things like that. In a closed adoption, you will have no contact whatsoever with the child after you have relinquished custody-“

               “Closed.” Yoongi’s voice was so hard that it made you wince. You felt a stab in your chest and tears prick at your eyes. You suddenly missed the sweet, warm Yoongi you were so used to before now. You tried to blink the tears away as the man appraised Yoongi (with an almost unappreciative look).

               “Well, alright.”

               The appointment went on like that, with Yoongi being the one making the decisions and you trying to keep yourself from getting sick. You were fine staring into nothing until a hand waved in your face.

               “Here,” Yoongi pushed a document and a pen in front of you, the stark black print on the white paper making your head hurt, “You have to sign.”

               You don’t know what it was. Something inside was tugging at you, pulling you away, telling you ‘don’t do it’. Your hands were really shaking now, and the clock was too loud, and Yoongi’s eyes were too cold. You cleared your throat out of nervousness. The two men in the room were looking at you expectantly and it made you want to scream. You stood up so abruptly that your chair almost fell backwards.

               “I-I need to use the restroom.” You said shakily, leaving the room quickly before either of them could protest. You were walking down the hall towards the bathrooms, fully intending on throwing up, when you spotted the EXIT sign hanging over a door farther down the hall. You stood staring at the glowing green sign for a few minutes, your breath hitching in your chest and your heart racing. In a split second, you made your first decision of the whole appointment and flung open the EXIT door and stepped out into the fading daylight, putting as much distance between you and the office as you could before anyone noticed you were truly gone.

                                                      *~~~~*

               Later that night, you found yourself at your best friend Taehyung’s house. He had been the first person you told about you being pregnant, even before Yoongi. If there was one person on earth you could trust and rely on, it was truly him. And you were beginning to feel this more and more as Taehyung continued to scold you heavily about not telling him beforehand what you’d planned on doing today. Though you had told him you wouldn’t consider abortion (not that anything was particularly wrong with that choice, it just wasn’t what you wanted to do), he was still mad enough that you’d almost given it up for adoption.

               “If anything, (y/n), if Yoongi doesn’t want to be a father, then… Then I can be.” Taehyung said suddenly, in the middle of his rant, catching you majorly off guard. You knew Tae had had a slight crush on you for a while, but you always kinda kept off the subject since you were already with Yoongi (whom Taehyung never seemed to like the minute he met him). You also knew he liked kids a lot, but this was unexpected.

               “What do you mean?” You asked him, and you caught the way he looked at you then down towards the floor. You admitted to yourself that he’d always been cute and you once imagined… being with him. But then you met Yoongi, this passionate, devoted, hardworking guy that made you see things in an entirely different way. Taehyung had always made you feel safe and happy, never bored, and always like you were wanted. These two men tugged you in different directions so much that you sometimes couldn’t remember who it was that you were in love with. Tae looked back up at you and you could see in his face that he was going to mean what he said.

               “Listen- Yoongi’s an asshole. He’s selfish and he doesn’t deserve you or the baby.” Taehyung grabbed your hands in his to make you look at him, “(Y/n)… I know this really isn’t the best time for this, but you know I have feelings for you. More than friendly feelings. And I know that you have feelings for me too… Even if you tell yourself you only have feelings for Yoongi. You’ve been here for me every time I needed help, and I’ve been here for you. Has he?”

               “Taehyung…”

               “I love you, (y/n), and I would do absolutely anything for you. Including raising a child that’s not mine.”

               “I-“

               *BRRRRR*

               The apartment intercom scared the two of you and you both looked over to see the little red light blinking on the box next to the door. Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows and walked over to the box.

               “Were you expecting someone?” You asked him and he looked back at you before pressing the talk button.

               “No.” He pressed the button, “Hello?”

               “Taehyung, its me.” Taehyung took his finger off the button. Yoongi’s voice hit your ears like a 300mpr wind, and he sounded breathless and slightly frantic. You could see the muscles in Taehyungs shoulders tense before he pressed his finger to the button again.

               “What do you want, Yoongi?”

               “I can’t find (y/n) anywhere, have you seen her? Has she talked to you?” Taehyung glanced back at you. You shook your head.

               “No, hope you find her.” And before Tae could take his finger off the button, Yoongi’s voice rang out again, calmer than before.

               “She’s there, isn’t she? If she wasn’t, you’d be much more concerned. Let me in.” Taehyung let out an angry breath.

               “Fuck off, Yoongi.”

               “Taehyung, you-“ Yoongi’s voice cut off with Tae’s finger leaving the button. He turned with purpose and walked back to you sitting at the kitchen island. Your gaze lingered momentarily on the blinking light on the box, but you turned away to look back at Taehyung. The weight of the day finally hit you and you couldn’t control the tears that started to overflow your cheeks. Taehyung came around and wrapped his arms around you as your body shook with your sobs, combing a comforting hand through your hand and humming a sweet, calming tune. When you’d calmed down enough to stop shaking, he pulled away to look you in the eyes.

               “Listen… You don’t have to make any decisions tonight. About me, the baby, anything. Just… remember what I said. You know I’ll do anything. But for tonight, you just need some good rest. It’s late, you can stay here tonight ok? I’ll take the couch.”

               You had no fight left in you, so you let Taehyung lead you to the bedroom by your hand.

Dean the Action Hero

aka Dean’s Back Against the Wall

aka ranking the season finales by how many times Dean gets thrown into walls (and other shit)

aka JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT’S A LOT OF CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON

For Week 2 of The Great Meta Scavenger Hunt


Years and years (and years) ago, I realized that Dean gets thrown into walls. A lot. I dubbed this the “Obligatory Dean Wall Slam.” Sam gets choked, and Dean gets tossed. It’s just how the show works.

An alarming percentage of the Dean throws wind up looking like this:

He tends to land either against the wall (or other object) in this position, or he slides to the floor in this position. We shall call this the “traditional” position, because this is the traditional Dean Wall Slam.

But how often does this happen in the season finales, and how severe are the finale throws?

I have put together this HIGHLY SCIENTIFIC scale in order to find out.


Obligatory Dean Wall Slam Scale:

- ACTION: 5 points for the throw itself

- IS IT A WALL: 5 points if it’s an actual wall

- IS IT A TABLE: 3 points if it’s into a table

- POSITION: 5 points if he lands in the traditional semi-fetal position (from our perspective, upper body to the left, lower body to the right)

- DESTRUCTION: 5 points if whatever he’s thrown into breaks

- METHOD: 5 points if he’s thrown telekinetically, and 10 points if he’s thrown physically (or at least appears to have been physically thrown) because a physical throw is a much more rare breed of Dean toss

- LENGTH OF AFTERMATH: 10 points if he stays put after being thrown for longer than 7 seconds

- WHO DUN IT: 15 points if he’s thrown by a family member (current OR future family, possessed or not)

- Additional points awarded on a case by case basis as I see fit because when it comes to Dean getting thrown into shit I am Chuck.

Let’s dive right in, shall we? 

Keep reading

Calling all shipmates to the Viewing Deck - we have received a beauty of an exclusive anonymous transmission via the quartermaster…. captioned only:

“When the Golden Globe aint the only thing glowing.”

It is unclear whether this picture is just more "Netflix Glow-motion” or simply a lovely picture of two people who like watch each other a lot while hanging out non-platonically…

Trainspotting 2 is one of the greatest movie trailers ever. Understand that.

Christ, every second of that was hugely and utterly powerful.  

“Call the police!”

“What shall we say?”

“Oh, just tell them we’re dead.”

Man, the movie might not even be good. But the trailer was a statement, in itself.