I went on this rant in my journal the last night I was home. I guess it was sort of like a letter to myself. Even though I completely disregarded all grammatical rules (which I always do tbh), writing it just felt like something that I needed to do. Poorly written but still important.
Someone told me I should be a little bit more open. Sharing pieces of my journal and writing a text post on the internet feels a little bit like cheating, and also seems like a 14 year old approach. It lacks sophistication and makes me feel lame but there was something about sharing it that made it feel a little bit more complete for me. Idk.
This summer was nothing but battling my illness along with other things. But I think the battle within the battle was admitting being sick and becoming conscious of the fact that some things are hard for me (even re-reading “my illness” makes me feel like a butt hole). And I guess this letter was an effort in trying to end this fight. Or not really ending it but helping myself understand that the battling the fear the everything, is necessary. So it’s ok.
When I went home I knew I wanted to continue this project mostly because I was interested in seeing how it would change directions after revisiting it almost a year later. I don’t really know how I feel about the subtitles. It might be a little too much idk tell me what you think I guess. But now this project has turned into a force of clarification with myself.
I still haven’t written a real artist statement for this so baRE WitTHHH meEE okAYY inTernETTT??
but basically, the use of subtitles imply some sort of misunderstanding, an incapability to be heard. A need for clarification, pretty much. And these implications/themes are all extremely relevant to my family. No one really understands the actions or beliefs of the other. We’re all sort of blind to see where each other is coming from. It’s a mess of miscommunication and misunderstanding. So I used both my thoughts and things some of my family members have said, that stood out to me, as a way to force a clarification. Amongst all of us. But I also wanted to create a format where I could say things that I know wouldn’t be understood.
My intent was to take a phrase that was important and meaningful enough to me that it created a desire within me to transform it into material. Having it to hold. Giving it permanence, in a sense. The tangling and splitting up of the phrase lends to the impossibility of that transformation.