shakespeare drama

The Signs as Things Said in my Drama Class Pt. 2

Aries: “You’re dead. You’re fucking dead. All I want you to do, is die. Just die. Dead peOPLE DON’T LAUGH YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.”

“Alright, just chill–”

“I’LL CHILL WHEN YOU’RE DEAD.”

Taurus: “So…it’s gay?”

“It’s Shakespeare. When is it not gay?”

Gemini: “Hey Lexi, can I ask you something–ohmygod how did you even get up there?!”

*Lexi looks down from hanging off the banister of a costume loft* “I honestly have no idea.”

Cancer: “Stage management, more like anger management, am I right?”

“Benjamin, I’m going to take my thumb, and I’m going to shove it up your ass. I’m going to shove it so far up your ass that I will have a thumb war with your small intestine.”

Leo: “How’s directing going?”

“Accidentally killed half my cast yesterday.”

“So, we’re on schedule then?”

“Yeah.”

Virgo: “So Mercutio will enter stage left and…where’s Mercutio?”

*from far off* “I’M TAKING A DUMP.”

“Alright, so Mercutio is taking a dump, and then will enter stage left…”

Libra: “So, are you two, like, dating?

“Well, I don’t know. Technically? We played lesbians and sort of kept at it or whatever, but it could all just be for shits and giggles…? I don’t know, what do you think?

“We literally had sex last night.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Scorpio: “I FOUND THE BUTCHER KNIFE DILDO!”

Everyone: “Yay!”

Sagittarius: “What if there was, like, a jacket for your legs?”

“Like, pants?”

“No, listen, it would keep your legs warm and covered.”

“So pants.”

“No! It would be on your legs!”

“Pants. You’re describing pants, Eric.”

“…Goddammit.”

Capricorn: *practicing pick-up lines* “Hey girl, are you a theatre arts major? Cuz’ I find you attractive but my parents will never approve of you.”

Aquarius: “Like, have sex, but don’t have sex.”

Pisces: “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU NARCS!”

“Lexi, get off the ladder. We’re trying to program lights.”

“Program THIS!”

The Signs As Shakespearian Insults
  • Aries: Thou art like a toad; ugly and venomous.
  • Taurus: Thou art a flesh-monger, a fool and a coward.
  • Gemini: Foot-licker!
  • Cancer: Methinks’t thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.
  • Leo: I desire we may be better strangers.
  • Libra: Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.
  • Scorpio: The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes.
  • Sagittarius: Thou mis-shapen dick!
  • Capricorn: Peace, ye fat guts!
  • Aquarius: You mouldy rogue
  • Pisces: A fusty nut with no kernel.
  • Virgo: Thou art a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-liver'd, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mungril bitch.

Types of Shakespeeps

Comedy people: hopeless romantics but also really into dick jokes; unfazed by the wildest coincidence but confused about their gender, their whole identity, or both

History people: either Team York or Team Lancaster and will fight you over it; on a first-name basis with several dead monarchs; on a weird personal crusade to exonerate their problematic fave and won’t shut up about it

Tragedy people: love to suffer and plan to take everyone else down with them; ready to die for the ‘aesthetic’; not-so-secretly into BDSM

Romance people: consider themselves exempt from the forces of time, geography, probably gravity; high like 90% of the time; career prospects include pirate, statue, bear

‘Problem play’ people: too serious for the comedies, too squeamish for the tragedies; have a really strong opinion about the end of Measure for Measure and will tell you about it whether you want to hear it or not; DISCOURSE FOR DAYS

Apocrypha people: Shakespeare hipsters

BONUS

Jonson people: don’t actually like Jonson but Shakesepare is too mainstream

Funny story: When I was a drama student, we were all trying out for a role on some shitty low-key soap opera (I never had a chance, knew I didn’t, but eh, they said it would be fun and I should try anyway. I was 17. )

Then, at the audition, this girl walked in. She was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. 

No, the air actually went out of the room as soon as she walked in. And we all knew instantly she would get the part. Which she did. No question asked. Even the casting agents knew it. She was the loveliest thing you’ve ever seen. 

I said to her later on, when we walked out: “What’s it like to be as beautiful as you? It must be wonderful.” 

*Her* “But they drool over me. The guys. It’s…weird.”

*pause*

*Her* “I only got into this because my parents and everyone told me to. Because someone as pretty as me had to be in acting. I wanted to be an accountant.”

*Me* “Um…well…you’re, uh, photogenic.” 

*Her* “I can’t act!”

*Me* “Well, obviously. I know that. I saw your audition.”

youtube

Shakespeare in the Streets: the documentary