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I love LAU”S HAIR!!!!!!

can’t you see I’m hurting?

marlee.

My fingers trailed over the delicate lace as my lips curled into a small smile of contentment. Shifting to the side, I eyed my body, appreciating the new angle. The black fabric was wrapped around my frame like a second skin, dancing over my curves sinfully. With my every move the fabric glided along with me. Everything was cinched, lifted and smoothed as it should’ve been, leaving me feeling sexier than ever.

Somewhere in between me exiting the shower and getting dressed I decided to play dress up. My lingerie collection was vast and wildly expensive. Victoria and her secrets were nowhere to be found in this chest. My collection was composed of Agent Provocateur, La Perla, Bordelle and Carine Gilson. I’d nearly lost my balance when I saw the $1300 price tag on an unworn robe from Kiki de Montparnasse. I mean, I’d seen bank statements with me and Larry’s combined income but dammit, that much for a robe?

I ran my hands over my thighs, snapping the garter belt with my thumb for kicks. The steel boned bralet was completely sheer leaving nothing unseen and it made my breasts look perkier than a preteen. My ass was left nearly bare thanks to the lacey cheeksters and a garter belt resting snuggly around my midsection was holding up a pair of delicate thigh highs. Needless to say I looked and felt incredible.

“How you like it daddy?” I sang, swaying in the large mirror. I paused, chuckling at my antics. I didn’t even know what song I was singing.

I turned, eyeing my ass. It was bigger than it was in recent photos of me and I wasn’t quite sure I was bothered by that. Along with my lingerie I’d found a huge amount of athletic gear, signifying that I worked out often. The thought of me working out made me cringe. It just didn’t seem like me. Hell, I hated walking up stairs but then again I had been jogging when the accident occurred. I made a mental note to ask Larry about it.

Running my fingers through my hair, I held it at the top of my head and posed. I couldn’t get over how good I looked. Majority of my clothes were casual and a bit tomboyish. I was a blatant tomboy which explained my affinity for Larry’s clothes. But this was the opposite of my wardrobe, I thought fingering the garter. This was sexy, delicate and seductive. It was the embodiment of feminine. This shit had me feeling like Dita Von Teese and I was left to wonder how often I wore these garments.

My sex life had to be thriving if I owned and wore garments like this around the house. There was no way any man could ignore how good I looked in these pieces. Hell, I looked so good that I was ready to strip out of this shit and give myself a happy ending.

I wasn’t sure when the last time I had sex was but what I was sure of was the fact that I was hornier than a teenage boy. My hormones as of lately were through the roof. I was like a ticking time bomb and boy was I ready to explode. Being around Larry didn’t make it any better. Everything about him turned me on. The sound of his voice, the way he smelled, the way he bit his lips, the way he danced… My God, the way that man danced! I’d nearly lost it when I saw him dancing in the studio the other day. His hips were lethal and moved with such fluidity that I couldn’t help but wonder if he carried those same movements to the bedroom. The way his brows furrowed when he moved had me clenching my thighs. The way he bit his lips had me hot. And the way sweat rained down his skin had my body going through its own type precipitation.

He had come home, as promised, and I found that I wanted him to go back to wherever the hell he’d been all those days. My body couldn’t handle the torture of having him around but not having him. The tension in the house was so thick and I was sure he felt it as much as I did. I avoided him as much as possible by locking myself in my room. However, I did have the unfortunate experience of running into him in the kitchen sans everything but his boxer briefs. I’d nearly died. He had been so nonchalant about it but there was no way in hell I could be chill when my eyes could clearly make out his print in the thin, gray Calvin Klein briefs. He was curved. And something about that seemed so damn familiar. I shook the thought away. It was entirely too much.

“Marlee!” His voice boomed through the bedroom, trickling into the closet. I froze, releasing my hair and as it rained over my shoulders and down my back he appeared in the doorway wearing a scowl. “I text you come do…” His words died on his lips as his eyes took me in.

“I…” I started but clamped my mouth shut. His stare was prohibiting me from forming a complete sentence. His eyes slid over my body in a way that made me sizzle all over. He made no attempts to hide his gaze as his eyes riveted on my nipples, which were clearly visible. My breath hitched when he tugged his lip into his mouth and dropped his eyes down to my ample thighs. Again they held, forcing my womb to shudder. His eyes were narrowed and dark, whispering his deepest thoughts. He wanted me. The realization had me ready to strip on the spot.

I swallowed and pulled air into my lungs as I took a unsteady step forward before freezing. My movement forced his eyes up to mine and I nearly fainted, seeing the raw lust. His tongue moved over his lips as his eyes dropped to my breasts yet again. I was tempted to turn around and give me a back view but frankly I was rendered immobile. I was paralyzed but not numb. I felt everything. His eyes were like little fingers of ecstasy stroking everywhere that caught his attention. I felt like I was on the brink of an orgasm and he hadn’t even so much as breathed on me. My body was purring, my nipples hard and my center throbbing.

My hand moved on his own accord, sweeping over my nipples and I gasped at the sensation. Pleasure flickered through my frame and I almost felt silly for reacting as I did to such a simple touch. My body was crying for attention and was willing to settle for any, including my own. I could hear Larry’s groan in the distance as I closed my eyes, repeating the motion. The sound he made was guttural and melded my bones to my flesh.

“Marlee,” His voice cracked and my eyes flung open. I stared at him wide eyed, noting that he was no longer looking at me but at his phone. Defeat trickled down my spine and I sighed, straightening my back. “I tell you be ready and then I text you say come downstairs. I wait 10 minutes.” He rasped, still avoiding looking at me.

“I, uh, I got distracted.” I murmured, unclipping the garter and sliding the sheers down my legs. I glanced back up to find his gaze riveted on my thighs but he quickly looked away once he’d been caught. “I didn’t know I had so many nice things.” I spoke, placing the thigh-highs on top of the chest I’d extracted them from.

“Yeah,” He cleared his throat. “You… like that stuff.” The garter was next and he watched through narrowed eyes as I unclasped and removed it, leaving me in the bralet and panties.

“Do you like it?” I quizzed, cocking my head to the side. His eyes met mine for a fleeting second and he nodded before going back to his phone. “I have good taste,” I smiled a small smile as I grabbed normal underwear from my drawer. I briefly contemplated wearing the lingerie underneath my clothes but then decided against it. “I mean, I buy nice stuff.”

“I bought it.” He spoke with a smirk that was every bit of smug. “Hurry up and get ready. I don’t want to be late.” And with that he was gone, leaving me to ponder his words. He’d bought it.

“Baby, I need it.” My voice had taken on a husky quality. The rasp weaved it’s way through my words, curling along syllables. 

“Marlee, we can’t… not now.” His hissed, cutting his dark eyes as me. I caught the tick of his jaw and the bob of his throat.

“Why?”

“Do you no see where we at?” I glanced around boredly. My eyes took in the many bodies in the crowd. Everyone was moving and full of energy. The beat was possessive and it was making everyone in this room it’s bitch. Everyone except me. I wasn’t captivated by the bass-line or the battle happening just feet away. I was enthralled by the man standing right beside me. The one who towered several inches above me. The one who wore all black and smelled like heaven on Earth. Larry had my attention and though Waydi was killing it, I couldn’t focus on him.

“So…” I shrugged and he kissed his teeth. 

“I give you what you want when we get home.” He promised. His eyes left the battle and he peered down at me. I saw the promise in his gaze but home was hours away. I needed him now.

Because he was smart and because he knew me well, he looked away, missing my scowl by mere milliseconds. “That’s too far away.” I countered, touching his waist. He shuddered away from my touch and blew out a breath of exasperation.

“Me and Lau battle in like twenty minutes, baby.”

“We only need ten.” I shrugged and he scoffed.

“I need all night. You just get home after be gone for a week.” He was leaning towards me, making it so that his words only reached my ears.

“And that’s why I need you now. You’re wasting time debating me.” I huffed, annoyed.

He chewed his lip, looking over the crowd before drawing his eyes back to the battle. My knees weakened as I realized he was contemplating. I rocked anxiously. From the outside many would think I was entranced by the sounds Nacim had so gloriously woven together but I wasn’t. Instead, I was moving to quell both my excitement and the throbbing that placed itself in my core.

“No.” He replied after several seconds and I kissed my teeth.

With chest quaking sigh, I moved away from him and headed over to where Lau, Reggie and Sgalo were standing. I knew Larry was watching me – he always was.

I half-way listened to what Reggie was saying as I stuffed my hands into the deep pockets of my – Larry's – grey Nike joggers, tugging them down just a bit. I then faced the boys, head on, giving the ongoing battle my back as I crouched down to ‘tie my shoes’. I felt the coolness from the room on the bare skin of my back as well as the gusts of wind the dancers prompted with the fast new style moves. But amongst the coolness I felt a heat. It blazed into my skin, trailed down my spine and danced with the small of my back.I smirked knowingly as I stood, stretching. I then pulled my small white t-shirt down over the candy apple red underwear I’d just exposed.

Something about wearing skimpy lingerie under comfortable, loose fitting clothes always made me feel sexy. And it always got Larry going. I’d just gotten the skimpy set I wore during my recent trip to Paris, sans my husband. I knew he would love it but waiting until after the battle and then the afterparty to show him wasn’t an option.

I was in the midst of an internal countdown when I felt him grip me from behind. My smile was triumphant but it quickly fell as Larry’s teeth sunk into my earlobe. “Why you play so much?” He quizzed, squeezing my hip. His fingertips dipped into the waistband of my pants and my hand instantly went over his, hiding his intentions. He didn’t go far, we were still in an auditorium full of people after all. 

I shuddered when his blunt fingertips stroked the delicate strap of the panties I wore. “Now you can’t talk?” He quizzed as his hand slid from my hip and up my waist. Hollering and whooping surrounded us but none of that mattered. “You still want it, baby?”

“You know I do,” I managed, catching sight of Lau going nuts right before my eyes fluttered shut.

“Come on.” He tugged my hand. “Back all that shit you talk up.”

-

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into driving to Albany to see napath.” Larry grumbled, thirty minutes into our drive.

“Naprapath,” I corrected with a small smile.

“Whatever,” He rolled his eyes and shifted so that his elbow was resting on the armrest. If possible his relaxed posture made him look even more irresistible. “Is still too far.”

“I’d go to Russia if that means I can have my memory back.” I told him candidly. I meant every word. The longer I went without my memory the more I felt like it would never completely come back.

“You hate Russia,” He muttered before turning the music up.

I watched him until he cut his eyes at me. For whatever reason he got annoyed when I stared. With a sigh I looked down at my phone. Larry had gone and got me a new phone since my old one had been damaged in the mugging. I wasted no time putting my iCloud to use and downloaded everything from my contacts to my apps to my purchased music. Sadly, looking at the contacts didn’t spark any memories. Even the text messages I read over didn’t give me much.

I noticed that I didn’t talk to too many people. Most of my contacts were business related. It was weird. Was I not nice or friendly? When I asked Larry he’d shrugged and claimed that I stayed to myself. I didn’t have siblings or close cousins or a bestfriend that I socialized with and that bothered me. I’d gone back and looked at wedding photos, refusing to believe that I had nobody. I’d had a maid of honor and that was pretty much it. Her face was familiar and something told me her name began with an ‘E’ but that was the most that I got. When I quizzed Larry about her he clammed up and quickly changed the subject. I made a note to ask again.

“I need to work.” I told him, growing tired of the music taking the place of our voices.

He looked over at me and his brows shot up before his face eventually relaxed. With a shrug he went back to the road. “Well, work.”

“How did I find work before?”

“Uh, people email you… you have website.”

I frowned. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That I had a whole website! What if clients have been trying to contact me Larry?!” I was suddenly angry. All the days I’d spent mopping around could have been spent being productive – actually working.

“When would you work Marlee? In coma?” He sighed, clearly annoyed. “And stop yelling. I’m right here.”

“Well, if you would turn to damn music down so I can talk to you…”

He pressed the button built into the steering wheel, lowering the volume. “Happy?”

“Ecstatic.” I murmured. “Clearly, I’ve been out of the coma, Larry. I could have been doing something instead of moping all day.”

“Marlee, you don’t even know where your cameras are and you haven’t asked. I tell you that you do photographs and you never ask.”

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t want to. You’re so mean all the damn time. You should have just given me the camera out of the kindness of your cold ass heart.” He laughed. “What the fuck is funny?”

“You funny.” His laughter soon died on his lips and he glared at me. “You act like you know everything but you know nothing.”

“Well I do know that I would appreciate it if you would show me where my cameras are as soon as we arrive home.”

“Whatever.”

I eyed him in disbelief. He couldn’t just take a simple request and go with it? He couldn’t answer a simple ass question? He had to make everything difficult. “What’s your problem?”

“You my problem!” He sneered and I nearly gasped. But I wasn’t surprised. I was sure this man was bi-polar.

“Well, unfortunately for you I don’t know what I did to become your problem.” I could feel his glower burning through me without even looking his way.

“Well, just because you don’t know don’t make me forget,” He sneered. His words were cold and filled the entire car with ice. My body stung from the frost. “Or forgive.”

“What do you want me to do Larry?” I quizzed weakly. I was tired of fighting him. I was tired of being hated but not knowing why. It was exhausting. I blinked back the tears that wanted to appear and slid down in my seat, gazing out of the window. Maybe this long ride was a bad idea. I could have taken an Amtrak and done this alone, I thought.

“I just need you to remember. Fuck!” He roared and I jumped, reeling back in my seat.

“Yell at me one more time.” I hissed, pushing my hair out of my face.

“Or what?” He bit back viciously.

“I’m gonna knock your fucking head back.” I promised. My stare was menacing and his matched mine. The cold chill that once consumed my skin was now replaced by a raging fire.

A cold smile curved his lips upward but it didn’t reach his eyes. His eyes were still burning with rage. “You not crazy.”

“I don’t remember how crazy I am but I’m ready and willing to find out if you raise your voice at me again.”

The car was drenched in silence and remained that way until we arrived to our destination in Albany, 40 minutes early thanks to Larry’s lead foot. I sighed, watching him park as I mentally prepared myself for this. Larry thought it was silly to see a Naprapath but after hours of research I decided it was something I wanted to try. The suggestion had actually come from Laurent and I was grateful for his help since Larry’s bum ass didn’t seem to want to do anything. His only contribution thus far had been blaming me for forgetting and everything else under the sun.

I sighed, unbuckling my seatbelt and as usual Larry rushed around to my side, opening the door and helping me out of the car. I thanked him with a nod and straightened my black top as I took in the small structure.

Prêt?“ (Ready?) He quizzed.

Quais.” I muttered and took the first step towards the building.

The inside smelled of sage, causing Larry to wrinkle his nose as he recoiled. He hated heady scents. “What is that?” He winced and covered his nose as I’d silently predicted he would.

“It’s sage. They use it to cleanse and rid of negative energy.” I explained as we approached the counter.

Unlike a traditional doctor’s office that was cloaked in cool tones – grays, slates and purples – this office was warm and welcoming. The surfaces were sleek and wood, the seating was buttery soft leather, there were plants everywhere and jazz played lowly from the speakers.

“Fucking voodoo doctor.” He muttered as he casually rested his hand at my lower back. The receptionist beamed as we approached and I returned her smile with one of my own.

“Hi guys,” She chirped, revealing a southern accent. “Let me guess, you’re here for fertility? You two look like you’re ready for a little, bouncing bundle of joy.” She smiled.

I wouldn’t have paid much attention to her mistake had Larry not stiffened as though he’d been shot next to me. “Ouoi?” I quizzed, looking up at him.

His throat bobbed as he swallowed and he shook his head, not bothering to look at me. My brows threaded together in curiosity but before I could dig deeper his voice sounded. “She here for memory lost. Amnesia.” He told the receptionist in a tight voice.

“Oop,” The woman slapped her forehead, offering an apologetic gaze. “I’m hardly ever wrong. Well, if it’s any consolation you two would make a gorgeous baby.”

“It’s not.” Larry muttered and we both looked at him, shocked. His fingers were now curled tightly in my shirt. Lifting my hand behind my back, I pulled his down and laced my fingers with his. I was surprised when he didn’t snatch away. I looked up to find his eyes on me and sighed.

“You’re Marlee, right?” The receptionist spoke, her voice noticeably dimmed.

“Yes.”

“Okay, take this, fill it out and I’ll call you when Dr. Janice is ready. You’re bit early but we’ll see if we can get you on in there.”

“Perfect. Thank you.” I took the clipboard and headed to the seats. I didn’t miss the cautionary look she gave Larry as we walked away.

“What was that about?” I grilled when we were seated in the waiting area.

“What?” He quizzed, twirling his ring between his fingers.

Knowing he wasn’t going to say much I shook my head. “Nothing.” He looked almost relieved that I dropped the subject and I was eager to know why but I’d learned not to push him. When I pushed him he closed up more. “That your wedding ring?” I asked, eying the platinum band he’d been fiddling with. He instantly shoved the ring down on his finger and hid his hand from my view.

“I help you fill out your paper.” He muttered, taking the forgotten clipboard from my grasp. I didn’t put up a fight and watched as he started filling out the questions, not bothering to ask me for confirmation – not that I could give it to him. I watched as he filled in my name, DOB and social never pausing or stopping to think. He checked off a slew of boxes that listed health conditions. The fact that he knew me so well brought both joy and envy.

“The fuck…” He muttered, pausing as he read a question. His brows were knitted together and I instantly assumed he didn’t understand the English well.

“What?” I quizzed, reaching for the paper only to be dodged. “What?”

“This doctor weird. Why they ask question like that?” The confusion on his face would have been comical had I not been so eager to know exactly what the issue was. Finally I proved to be faster than him and gripped the clipboard, snatching it from his grasp. He kissed his teeth but did nothing to obtain it back.

“When was…” I paused and my eyes grew wide at the odd question. “When was the last time you had sexual intercourse?” I finished quietly. Why on Earth did they need to know that? “Well?” I spoke after several seconds of silence.

“Well, what?” Larry quizzed, looking down at me.

“When was the last time we had sex?”

“Just skip the question.” He muttered, chewing his inner lip.

“No. it could be important.”

“Is not.”

I shrugged. “Well, I just want to know.” I need to know exactly why I wanna jump your bones every time you blink, I finished silently.

“A long time ago.”

“When?”

“It’s be a while, Marlee.”

He was in first place when it came to most difficult person in the world. This was something I was sure of. It was his main goal to annoy me. It had to be. There was no other excuse for him to be this infuriating. “Okay, like 3, 4 months?”

“Longer.” He muttered.

“6 months?” I quizzed and he shook his head. “You’re going to make me keep guessing?”

He looked extremely uncomfortable as he fidgeted with his hands. His fingers then went to the ring – the same one that grasped my attention earlier. “10 months.” He whispered and I was sure I’d heard him wrong. I wanted to ask him to repeat it but I decided to withhold the torture. He seemed really bothered by that fact and to be honest I was bothered too. How was I able to be around this beautiful man without spreading them every five seconds?

“That’s a long time.” I murmured because I had nothing else to say.

“That’s what I say.” He was avoiding my gaze.

“Why?” I asked quietly as he took the clipboard from my grasp.

“Why what?” The question was absent, he was busy filling in the details about myself that were still fuzzy to me. I watched him, storing the facts into my blank slate of a memory.

“Why haven’t we had sex?’

Shocked followed by annoyance flashed in his eyes as he stared blankly at me. “Marlee, I tell you we not good.”

“So that means we can’t sex? I don’t seem like the type to do well without sex.” I unabashedly stated, my body was in turmoil each time I was near him. How had I gone ten whole months?

“You don’t.” He muttered, looking away from me and at the paper.

“I don’t… what?”

“You don’t like to go without sex Marlee, damn.” He was irritated now. It was all over his face but I didn’t care. This was a big issue for me. My body was in need and apparently it had been neglected for nearly a year.

“Well, why didn’t you give it to me?” My tone was innocent but the question was anything but.

Again shock crossed his features as he stared at me. “You,” He started, sighed, filled out a question and then looked back up at me. “You didn’t want it from me.” He shrugged nonchalantly but I saw the sorrow and frustration in his eyes.

“I didn’t want it from you?” I quizzed with a frown. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t want it from anyone if I didn’t want it from you, Larry.” I was no cheater – this I knew.  Silence was his reply but his eyes confirmed what I’d just said. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

I chewed my lip, not sure if I should ask the question. Yet, I felt like I needed to know, like it was my right to know. “When was the last time you had sex?”

“I tell you ten months ago.” He sighed. “Stop talking if you ask stuff like this.”

“Don’t tell me to stop talking.” I hissed and then looked over at the receptionist’s desk to insure that she was paying us no mind. “It was a simple question. You never come home – I don’t know what you do.” Even as I said the words carelessly I realized how devastated I would be to find out Larry was dividing his time with another woman.

“Why you worry for what I do, huh?” He hissed, clenching the clipboard. “Why you care? You tell me you don’t care and now suddenly you do?” I could nearly see the battle taking place in his eyes as I gawked blankly at him with no clue of how to respond. “Don’t worry for me.” He muttered, glared and then looked away.

I didn’t know what to say or how to feel about his words. He sounded so bitter, so angry. What had I said to him in the past to make him say those things? That I didn’t care? Had he really believed that? I wanted to explain to him that somethings were said out of spite or to get a reaction but the reality was, I had no clue why and when I’d said such a thing to him. I’m guessing it was during the ten months we weren’t sexing. “I can’t help it.”

“Yes you can.”

“No, I can’t Larry, I can’t. You think I want to be here while you treat me like shit every five minutes? No!” I sighed, schooling my features and lowering my voice. “I can’t help the way I feel.”

“You feel?” He chuckled coldly and leaned back in the chair, glaring at me. “You feel nothing. You don’t know me, remember? You don’t remember.”

“But that doesn’t change how I feel. My brain and my heart are two different organs, Larry.” I didn’t bother to hide my anguish. I needed him to see it. I needed him to know that he was hurting me.

His lips thinned as he pressed them together, staring off into the lobby. I watched as his eyes shifted back and forth. His fingers were busy doing a dance to contain his nerves or anger and his brows were weaved together. His eyes were a storm of emotions and I couldn’t even begin to try and decipher them. His chest heaved as he breathed and his jaw ticked, bouncing wildly under his soft skin. His body was rigid and the only things moving were his shifty eyes and quivering jaw. I wanted so badly to take the turmoil out of his life. I wanted to erase any and everything in the world that gave him ill thoughts but that meant I’d be erasing me.

“I remember what you say to me before. My memory still work – it’s good and vivid.” He rasped. I blinked, wondering where he was going with this. His voice was like gravel and his eyes like granite as he stared at me. “Nothing you say now matters because I remember.” He tapped his temple and I swallowed. “I remember everything.” My heart crumbled, dissolving further with his every word.

“Do you remember how much I loved you?” I quizzed lightly.

Relief fluttered in my belly when his features softened. “I remember you say you don’t no more.” He sighed. “That’s what I remember.”

“Larry…”

“Marlee Bourgeois.” I cringed at the sound of my name and offered Larry a final look before standing and heading to the back with him hot on my trail.

Not too long after, we were in the car. Speaking with the Naprapath hadn’t taken as long as I'd expected but she gave a ton of helpful tips. My sweaty palms clutched a list of ingredients along with instructions. Larry had sat in silence the entire time only chiming in when I couldn’t answer a certain question. When we were done the doctor pulled Larry to the side and they spoke quietly for a few minutes before we eventually made our exit.

Now we sat in the car in route to the city. The silence was deafening. I wanted to talk more about what he’d said earlier but I had a feeling I wouldn’t get far. I wanted to know what led up to me saying such a thing to him. It had to be a lie because I loved this man. Even without memories I felt my love for him. The way my body would heat up and heart would thump told me I loved him. The way he dictated my thoughts and even my dreams told me I loved him. The way my heart fluttered when I heard his name and my eyes lit up when I saw his face told me I loved him.

How could he ever think otherwise?

Because you told him otherwise, my mind screamed and I winced. I fingered the note in my hand, wondering if I’d ever be fully capable of remembering again. The doctors said I was coming along well but it didn’t feel that way. Each day I woke and realized I had been set to factory setting made me feel like a failure. I wished I could go back and rewind time. I wished I had never had my ass in Central Park. I wished I’d listened to Larry.

“We can shop for this stuff another day if you don’t feel like it.” My voice was quiet. I was sure he wanted to drop me off at our home and get far, far away from me. His jaw had been locked and pulsing for the past hour now and his hand was wrapped tightly around the steering wheel.

“It’s fine.” He muttered, not bothering to look my way.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, running my fingertips over my lips. Lau’s words rang in my head ‘you wanted the divorce’. It was repetitious and pure torture and now Larry was telling me that I told him that I didn’t love him anymore. The ache in my heart was powerful and growing with each passing second. I felt extremely low and guilty. Had I broken Larry? Was I the reason he hated me so? Was I the reason our marriage failed?

My chest heaved as the thoughts whirled around in my head. It was pure agony to be in such turmoil and not know why. Every day I was tormented with the facts of my life and every night I went to sleep with unanswered questions. It was hell.

I slammed my eyes shut, realizing that having Larry’s forgiveness was so much more important to me that having my memory. I felt so on edge around him. I was walking over miles of eggshells with no clue of when the road would end. I saw the distress and disgust in his eyes and it killed me. It killed me to know that I had more than likely caused it. His earlier words tormented me. How had I possibly uttered ‘I don’t love you’ to this man? How had I managed to hurt him in that way?

“I’m so sorry.” I whimpered, hating that I didn’t know why I was sorry. His eyes swung over to me as I sniffed. His alarmed expression was a blur through my tear glazed squint. He cursed lowly and looked back at the road as tears streamed down my cheeks.

“Fuck, Marlee,” He called, quickly switching lanes on the expressway. My chest tightened and my hands covered my face. As I shed tears for me, for him, for us.

Everything felt so wrong. My life as of now was a never ending nightmare. Each day I woke up I found myself wanting to go right back to sleep. Anything was better than facing my bleak reality. My memories came in small doses, sometimes in my dreams, most times when I wasn’t even trying. But they were insignificant. They meant nothing. They didn’t explain why my husband couldn’t even look at me.

“Marlee,” He called again, softer this time as he pulled my hands down from my face. His fingers where at my cheeks, wiping away my tears. They continued to fall as he grabbed my chin, forcing my head in his direction. “Look.” He demanded lightly. “Look at me.” He whispered again when I did nothing the first time.

My eyes fluttered open and it was then I realized we were on the shoulder of the expressway. The car waved slightly each time a speeding car passed us. “Why you cry?” He asked. I blinked causing my soaked, clumped lashes to brush my cheek. “Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.” I croaked, not knowing why I was sorry, not knowing why I was crying. I hated having the feelings but not the memory. My heart ached with remorse yet, my brain remained empty.

“Marlee, there no reason for be sorry.” He huffed.

“Yes it is!” I shrieked. I hated when he did this. He pretty much acted like I was the worst person in the world but when I actually owned up to it he denied it. It was infuriating. “You hate me.” My whisper was a harsh one and he winced at the gritty sound of my voice and sharp curl of my lips.

“I don’t hate you.” He insisted, lips thinned, eyes narrowed.

“You do.”

His sigh was so heavy that the gust brushed my lips and nose. “I don’t!”

“You don’t love me.” My words hung in the air as he stared wordlessly at me. When my eyes narrowed he looked away, his jaw was tense and his body was rigid. “Exactly.” My next breath was uneven as my body shuddered in defeat. I lowered my eyes from his form and turned in my seat, facing the window. Oddly enough it had started to rain. The weather resembled my mood.

“Marlee,” He called. His voice was light and full of defeat. It made my heart stall but I didn’t bother looking at him – I couldn’t. The hurt in his eyes was too much. “Chinky?”

“I call you Chinky now.”

My eyes narrowed to thin slits. “Chinky?” He nodded and his fro bounced back and forth prompting my hands to reach for it. I pulled away, relishing on the softness. He offered a closed mouth smile as he looked off into the distance. I raised my camera and snapped a photo, wanting to bask in this moment forever. Our time was almost up. “Why Chinky?” I asked and he looked down at me, oblivious to the fact that I’d snapped a photo of him. His brown eyes appeared lighter due to the sun and I instantly raised my camera to take another photo. He beamed, now used to me snapping random pictures. When I’d captured the image I repeated my question.

“Chinky because you eyes. Your papa Chinaman.” He laughed as soon as the words left his mouth and I frowned.

“My father is Korean, not Chinese. Don’t be a jackass.” I scolded even as the corner of my lips curved into a smile.

He rolled his eyes and twisted his lips. “Is the same, Chinky.”

“It’s not and don’t call me that.”

“I call you it forever.” He smiled and planted a light kiss on my cheek. I wish we could have a forever, I thought before grabbing my camera and taking a picture of the children who played in the distance.

The memory nearly made me smile but my heavy heart weighed my lips down. “You called me Chinky.” I whispered and he looked away uncomfortably.

“I…” He started then clamped his mouth shut. “You stress and cry for nothing.” He muttered as his eyes drifted to my face. “Please stop crying. I can’t,” He huffed. “I can’t deal with you crying.”

I tensed at his words. “Well, I’d hate to add another thing to the list of things you can’t deal with.” I wiped at my tears angrily, wishing they’d stop.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” He grabbed my wrist. “It make me sad for you to cry. That’s what I mean.”

“I can’t help it.” I pulled my wrist away ignoring the tingle that went through me as his fingers brushed mine. “You’re hurt.”

“I’m not.” He insisted, shaking his head to add validity to the lie. It didn’t work.

I rolled my eyes and cocked my head to the side as I stared at him. I knew him. I didn’t remember shit but deep down I knew him. I knew when he was lying. “Larry…”

“I say don’t worry for me. Let’s worry about you getting better.” He reached across my lap and grabbed the list that was now damp with my tears. “Let’s go get this stuff.” I huffed but nodded, watching as he put the car in drive and merged into traffic. It bothered me that he wanted to brush our very obvious issues under the rug but I said nothing about it. He would talk when he wanted to talk. Him not talking meant that he was giving up and I refused to even make that a possibility in my mind.

-

you don’t want my love, I swear you don’t want it.

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My LT Experience: Alvin Ailey 10/01/2014

Les Twins Alvin Ailey 10/01/2014

I apologize for the length of this…

Ok guys, so how about I found out about the workshop just two days before. I usually like to be prepared weeks in advance. Anyway, before I go there, let me take you back….way back. So about a week and a half ago, I’m browsing around Sgalo’s Instagram page. For those of ya’ll who don’t know, Sgalo is the guy that makes those 88 and Les Twins shirts that the boys wear. I’ve even seen Jay and Bey rock some of his stuff. So I liked one of his pics thinking nothing much of it. So then, I see a couple hours later, he likes a video that I posted up of Larry. In the video, Larry was wearing a Jmenfou shirt, so Sgalo comments a hashtag #jmenfoujmenfiche. So I comment back “I want one.” So then he direct messages me. So we start up a little convo about how I can get a shirt from him. So we go back and forth a little bit just discussing. So boom, I finally order the shirt. Mind you, at that point I didn’t even know there was going to be a workshop.

Come Monday, I just had this gnawing feeling in my heart to check the Alvin Ailey website. I knew the boys were in town so I’m like, what the heck; let me see if they’re also ding a workshop. Thank God I checked because if not, I would have missed the whole shebang and I would’ve been tight! So I find out about the workshop on Monday, and lo and behold The Good Lord made it so that my shirt arrived on Wednesday, the exact date of the workshop. God is good yall!!! So I thanked Sgalo and he says that he’s excited for me and he knew the boys would be happy to see me with the shirt.

Anyway, workshop time! They had the chairs set up right in front of the mirror this time. I didn’t know if the boys would love it or hate it. Come to figure, one loved it and the other hated it. Guess who? Larry hated it and Lau loved it cus he doesn’t want the dancers to focus too much on the mirror. But that’s just a side bar.

Anyway…

Guys, I’m so proud of our boys. They were only like 3 minutes late! What an improvement! They both came in decked out in these fire jackets that I truly just wanted to swipe. Larry had that oxblood jacket and Lord….forgive me my wayward thoughts. Lau had those damn hoop ear rings that I’m unfortunately starting to get used to and about a million chains and layers on. He didn’t even take off his jacket while he was dancing though. I know he was hot. So they do a little rock paper scissors to see who goes first. I don’t even know how they decide though, seems like it was some twin understanding.

Lau goes first and he does Often by The Weeknd. And he just sexes up the whole song. Yes Gawd! I loved catching the little glimpses of his abs when he would pull his shirt up to wipe his sweat. BFF and I would have a little praise party every time he did it. But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, Lau is mean. But I get it, he wants the dancers to give it their all and be the best.

So tell me how, as his phone is hooked up to the music, it goes off with a text message and everyone hears it through the sound system. And he goes, “oh that’s my friend”…with a little mischievous look in his eyes. Then his phone goes off again and he goes, “Ok, I have two friends.” Lau Lau….we already know the deal. Somebody whispered “is that Aimee?” I was crying! Real tears! Knowing Lau, it could be Aimee, Cynthia, Jessica….a number of women…we will never know, smh.

Larry ends up stepping out for a good part of Lau’s class, and when he came back in Lau was all like, “thank you for supporting me brother!” Clown! He was hurt though, lol. At one point when Larry comes back, he lays down on the floor like 2 chairs away from me. LT Ladies…the thoughts that ran through my mind, I was tryna sneak a picture, but didn’t wanna seem like a creep, lol.

Come dancing time…he pulls out the little shorty. This little girl straight rips it! She is a star and I know her mama is proud. Later on during Larry’s class, Lau went outside and he was speaking to the little girl’s mother, giving her words of encouragement. BFF said that she overheard him saying that God is the reason behind their success, or something to that effect. You better preach that gospel Lau Lau!

Now Larry’s class begins and he is so cool and calm and collected. I love it. Much less talkative than Lau…which I like. Let me tell you how BFF caught herself tryna catch feelings for him….had to tell her to fall back. From time to time he would do a little beat boxing thing, and it’s super cute. What I liked the most was that he would stop from time to time and think of the song in his mind and make the dance moves…without even listening to the music….so dope. By the way, he did Amnesia by Cherish, which I loved! At some point, some girls were just giggling and he goes “why you laughing?” At the same moment, BFF gets up to go use the bathroom and Larry goes, “how would you feel if as a dancer you have girls laughing at you and one leave?” He’s such a clown, BFF didn’t even hear him talking about her.

Anyway, the cypher breaks out and its cool and all. But shout outs to BFF who is always on target. She finds a way to get us to the front of the line for pictures. When it was my turn, I came and kissed the both of them, and Lau looked like he was taken aback by it. Don’t act brand new now Lau. So I pull out the shirt and they’re all like hey, that’s cool. Larry asked me if I knew what the jmenfou means. And I go yeah…it means I don’t care. He goes “no, it means I don’t give a fuck.” And Lau is like “no…it’s just I don’t care.” So they go back and forth bickering, and I’m laughing at their silliness. So they end up just signing it and we took our picture.

Oh and another tidbit. I asked Larry why he not wearing the earrings and he goes, they changed colors, they cheap, so he needs a new one. He asked if I had one for him and I’m like no…not this time boo. I told him that I was offended and embarrassed that he called my gift cheap, but he meant no harm by it though.  

Ok, so security kicked us out…very rudely might I add. BFF and I roam around until the twins come outside. When they do, I asked Lau for another picture and he reluctantly says yes, only because he had said no more pictures before. And then, I tell him that sometimes I’m afraid to approach him and say hi, and he goes “why?..just say hi, I say hi back.”

Then we went over to Larry and BFF tells him that he has a beautiful spirit and she asks for a hug and he gives her one. He says that that’s what he loved the most, the love and the hugs…no pictures.

And that was that for that. The end of a very beautiful and very long night. Thank God.

As always my loves, this was super long, but I just want you guys to feel like you were there with me. Til next time my loves.

And by the way, big shout out to Sica, it was great seeing you boo :-*

Bisous

~ LTFirstLady

anonymous asked:

Do you consider Larry to be light or dark skinned? I personally consider him to be dark... When I picture light I picture someone like Stephen Curry and not him. Asking out of curiosity... Love your blog!

Knowing you enjoy my blog pleases me.  I quite love it.  

You consider Larry dark skinned?  So what do you consider ASAP Rocky, Mister Soul, Sgalo?  Although there are various terms categorizing shades of skin colour, if we just keep the two: light skinned/dark skinned - I consider them light skinned.