setting fire to your house

Your body is your house. It has been since you were born. So why are you tearing your house apart for a boy who couldn’t see your worth? Why are you cutting your house down and setting it on fire to keep him warm when he will never try to repair the cracks that have accumulated through the years?
— 

-Your body is a temple.


Excerpts from the book I’ll never write #351

02/13/2017

7:57 pm

u ever have one of those days where ur in a depressive episode n sitting in bed motionless bc the love of your life left you and u know it’s ur fault and then on top of that your wife sets your house on fire?

How To Adult

Being a member of the new generation of mostly-independent adults, I believe that I have discerned some valuable tips about adulting, which I will now endeavor to pass on to others attempting to join this elite group. Warning: results of attempted adoption of these techniques may vary in levels of success. (I’m still working on most of the ones under “Housecleaning”.)

Laundry

- Before you put those pants in the laundry and think, “I’m sure my pockets are empty,” stop for a moment. Do you know where your phone is right now? Your USB? Your 3DS cartridges? Do you remember exactly where you last saw them? Are you sure? It may not be worth the risk. Check your pockets.

- You don’t really need to sort laundry these days. Just chuck everything in on Cold, and it will be fine. Do not use bleach except in emergencies.

- CLEAN THE DANG LINT TRAP ARE YOU TRYING TO SET YOUR HOUSE/TRAILER/APARTMENT ON FIRE?!?

- If your mother is coming to visit, it’s probably time to fold that pile of clean clothes that’s been sitting in the corner all week. You know that sigh she does. Yes, that one.

Housecleaning

- Pets: if it has fur, the fur will get everywhere. Sweep and dust once in a while, and be sure your roommate doesn’t have allergies before moving in. 

- If your bathroom is the one that guests will mostly likely use, do not leave undergarments on the floor because you were lazy after your last shower. 

- Take out the garbage BEFORE it starts to smell. Also preferably before tissues are piling out of your bedroom trash can like a nasty little Mt. Everest.

- You are not living in a haunted house, but spiders do not understand this and will try to introduce that atmosphere into your corners. A long-handled broom will solve both of these problems.

Roommates

- If you have a roommate or housemate of some kind, take turns doing the dishes. Do not quibble over whose turn it is or whose dishes they are. Come to a general understanding that the person who didn’t do the dishes will be the one who puts them away once they are done drying. If the other person has a busy work schedule that week, do the dishes twice; this will increase household morale.  

- Differing work schedules is not a bad thing. There is less time to decide that you find the other person annoying, and it’s like a friend coming over when you actually get to sit down and have a movie and ice cream binge. 

- But don’t be that roommate with the loud sleep schedule who wakes up their roommate at all hours of the night, seriously.

- Ask your roommate before bringing friends or significant others to the house unannounced. It’s their house, too, and also the place where they shower under the illusion that no strangers are waiting out in the living room.

- Do nice things for no other reason than to be nice. It will come back to you. 

Food

- A pizza slicer is a worthwhile investment and will soon prove invaluable.

- Try to eat salads once in a while. They taste delicious with croutons and your favorite dressing. But avoid that one kind of lettuce, you know, with the hard white chunky bits? Those are gross. 

- Seedless red grapes are freaking fantastic, especially the ones we’ve been getting at Meijers this Summer, good gravy those are the best snack food ever.

- Don’t eat your roommate’s food without their permission, or they may eat your food without your permission.

General Health

- If you have to get up early, go to sleep earlier. If you have to go to sleep later, make sure you are able to get some sleep the next day. If part of this equation is missing for an extended period, you will begin to regret your life choices.

- Screens are fantastic inventions, but if you spend twelve hours a day staring at one, you have a problem. Do something to shake up your routine, like going outside, reading a book, or staring at a point ten feet or more away from your face so you can remember what depth perception is.

- Take your allergy medicine, especially if not doing so causing you to spit like a bad Western saloon villain.

- Brush your teeth, brush your hair, and wear deodorant every day. Also, shower before your hair starts to itch. This simple equation will do remarkable things for your feelings of self-worth.

- If you are spending 100% of your time sitting on your butt, don’t complain about how you don’t understand why you don’t weigh the same as you did on the track team in high school.

Going To The Doctor

- Insurance doesn’t seem important to a perfectly healthy young adult such as yourself, until you have a startling reaction to an unknown chemical in your first apartment and have to go to the emergency room for a severe case of hives. 

- If the doctor does not know what is causing your problem, he or she may try to subtly imply that you were silly to worry about it in the first place. Be polite just in case they are right, but remember it in case they try to bill you $400 for a test it turns out you didn’t need.

- Ask every question you can possibly think of. Don’t assume the doctor will tell you what you need to know. They may assume you know it already.

- That blood test costs way more than you think.

Free Time And Social Interaction

- It’s important to have hobbies, but be aware of red flags. Are you always by yourself? Are you obsessed with it every hour of the day? Does no one talk to you anymore because it has consumed your very soul? You may need to expand your interests.

- It is remarkably refreshing to go outside of the house once in a while and just travel somewhere you don’t normally. Even the library is exciting if you spend all day in at the office. Variety is the spice of life, and eternal routine is the unflavored tofu.

- Compliment people. Compliment strangers. The secret truth is that everyone, everywhere, is secretly hoping people think they look good today. Fulfill their dreams and you’ll both feel better about yourselves!

- Treat everyone you meet like a valuable human being. You might eventually realize that it’s true.

BELIEVE BAD MEN WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY WILL DO BAD THINGS

Known arsonist with history of setting homes on fire: I’m going to burn down your house.

Half of the American Public, apparently: I’m sure that his time spent not having matches will teach him to not set fires.

Other Half of the American Public: No, he really means he’s going to set fire to our house.

Half of the American Public: Let’s wait and see what he does. Give him a chance! You’re being intolerant!

Other Half of the American Public: I’m pretty fond of our house not being on fire.

Half of the American Public: He clearly doesn’t mean it.

Known Arsonist: *means it*

Half of the American Public: Are you warm? I’m warm all of a sudden. I’m sure it will cool off soon.

Other Half of the American Public: *on fire already*

BELIEVE BAD MEN WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY WILL DO BAD THINGS

Things Musicals Taught Me
  • The Sound of Music: You can't solve a problem like Maria
  • Phantom of the Opera: Kidnapping, murdering, and setting an opera house on fire is a valid way to get your crush to almost marry you.
  • Book of Mormon: Tomorrow is a Ladder Day
  • Newsies: Now is the time to seize the day
  • West Side Story: A boy like Tony would kill Maria's brother (and he did).
  • Little Shop of Horrors: The meek shall inherit (and then get eaten by the plant they helped make big and strong. How rude.)
  • Evita: She'd be surprisingly good for you.
  • Matilda: Sometimes you've got to be a little bit naughty.
  • Wicked: No one mourns the wicked, even though she's the only one defying gravity.
  • Heathers: You can write some pretty good songs about high schoolers murdering each other...
To the People who are like....

please keep in mind that THIS ^^^ is, sadly, not a proper representation. And that THIS ↧↧↧↧↧↧ is what is most likely to respond to your house fire. 

and this….

But no matter what shape, size or gender, we’ll all look just like THIS ˅˅˅˅˅˅˅

and do THIS ˅˅˅˅˅˅˅˅˅˅ 

To save THIS⇊ ⇊ ⇊ ⇊ ⇊ ⇊ All for YOU. 

So please keep an open mind…. AND DON’T SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE…. Make us cookies instead. 

HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN GLORIOUS GLOW CLOUD!!

Psst hey.
So I heard you all liked my glow cloud <3

WELL.
I can’t afford to give them away for free or anything and I can’t charge for them cause that’d be stealing from the wonderful people that are behind the show BUT I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN!



And it’s super duper easy.

I found that–^ somewhere on google. Basically you do that but with a color changing LED! (and animals if you want them).
Step 1. Get a paper lantern thingy and string some clear fishing wire through it to attach your animals where ever you want them.
Step 2. Use spray adhesive to cover your paper lantern in that fluffy pillow filling stuff! (Cover the bottom but make sure to leave the top hole open!)
Step 3. Stick your color changing LED (IT MUUUUST be an LED because they don’t get hot and won’t set your house on fire when angered) in the lantern through the hole in the top.
Step 4. Use the fishing wire to hang it from a hook on your ceiling.
Step 5. All hail the glow cloud.

My LED was super cool but it cost me $40 on it’s own causing my cloud to be around $60. You can get them wayyyyyyy cheaper though! :D If you want more details (specifics on things I used) or if you have any questions shoot me an ask c: 

Shit I Say to My Boyfriend Sentence Starters

“I can be trusted with a dinosaur.”
“Make one more bad joke and I’m leaving you for the lawyer I matched with on Tinder.”
“We really need to finalize our story of how we met since I refuse to tell my family we matched on Tinder.”
“I love you but you’re an idiot.”
“I’m just going to hide.”
“I wasn’t actually paying attention, I’m sorry.”
“No tickles.”
“I don’t actually know what’s going on.”
“I love you but not that much.”
“I’m sorry I was mean. You deserved it but I’m still sorry.”
“Your friends probably think I’m a hardcore drug addict.”
“If you don’t get caught it’s not illegal.”
“I make no promises that I won’t set your house on fire.”
“Why do you love me?”
“You’re lucky I love you as much as I do.”

MBTI Types + shitty ideas

all the ideas are taken by @shittyidea

Disclaimer: It’s a joke. Chill.

ISFP: Invisible hair colouring

ESFP: Begin every sentence with “plot twist”

ISFJ: All malls and stores start putting up Christmas decorations today

ESFJ: Let Jesus take the wheel while going 80mph

ISTJ: A yellow pages style book with information on thieves, drug dealers, etc.

ESTJ: Install carpet in every bathroom (even in the shower)

ISTP: Check to see if your fire alarm works by setting your house on fire

ESTP: Grab the first person you see after reading this, and punch them in the face

INTP: A meth-lab scented perfume

ENTP: A game that combines the speed of baseball with the thrill of golf

INFP: New totally gender - and animacy-neutral pronoun she/he/it = shit

ENFP: Superglue everything important (such as your phone, keys and wallet) to yourself so you never lose them

INFJ: Put toothpaste on your breakfast so you can skip brushing your teeth

ENFJ: Play charades with a group of blind friends

INTJ: Want to ace that job interview? Turn it into a staring contest…

ENTJ: Have your kids litter-trained…because nothing is more annoying than cleaning pee off the toilet seat

“I’m not trying to enforce gender roles here, but I would NOT want my son to turn out gay, or do anything close to being feminine. Same with my daughter. She will not participate in any masculine activities, only wear feminine clothes, and cannot date girls. Like I said, not trying to enforce gender roles, it’s just how things should be.”

Manslation: I’m not trying to set your house on fire or anything, but I AM pouring gasoline all over it, and I WILL be lighting a match in a few seconds. Like I said, not trying to burn down your house, it’s just how things should be.

Lil’Devil Laural

I’m sure you read but the M!A, that was randomly chosen, but I would like to make a formal post about it. All asks for the next six days and NEW rps will be answered by Lil’Devil Laural also please assume that Lil’Devil Laural is asking any questions I sent your way (feel free to ignore them if you do not wish to interact with a spawn of Satan). Ask away. Get to know the sinful ball of evil. Who know’s he might like you and offer you a deal or he might set your house on fire. Shrugs. Hail Teemo.

the signs as witchy things
  • aries: almost setting your house on fire
  • taurus: herb crumbs
  • gemini: getting called out by a deck of cards
  • cancer: "how do I deal with my problem?" tarot cards: "wow that's a serious problem you got there. sucks bro."
  • leo: cats destroying altars
  • virgo: jars
  • libra: the aesthetic
  • scorpio: *hears noise in the middle of the night* *sighs*
  • sagittarius: yelling at spirits
  • capricorn: candles
  • aquarius: why go out when you can get drunk with gods and spirits
  • pisces: *drinks tea* "ah yes, I'm so witchy"