set fire to my school

the signs as things my friend has done
  • aries: literally chased me around with a lighter trying to set my hair on fire. we were in school.
  • taurus: the scary face she made when a sub claimed 'trees like it when they're cut down.'
  • gemini: was warned by a friend that guy was an undercover cop, thought friend was joking, then proceeded to piss off the guy so much she almost got arrested.
  • cancer: stopped talking to me for a week and then got mad bc i 'ignored' her.
  • leo: slammed down a catcaller so hard i'm still surprised he survived.
  • virgo: tried to force one of our friends to leave during a study session bc he was disctracting us. got so mad she chased him with a chair.
  • libra: casually dated two guys at the same time with the same name and sign.
  • scorpio: was so intimidating that she managed to scare off a girl she didn't like simply by standing near her.
  • sagittarius: started slamming a girl and claiming the girl was hater and did not see the irony of what she was doing.
  • capricorn: somehow managed to get chased by a crazy homeless person in one of the quietest streets in our country.
  • aquarius: immediately guessed a guy was a capricorn bc he looked like a goat (was actually right).
  • pisces: has a habit of giving people fake names whenever she's out.
dont dip socks in lighter fluid ok, just do not

so its been pointed out to me that i dont post a lot of original content on this blog, so ive decided that it is story time

so when my sister was a freshman and i was shit idk 12? 13? a couple of her friends came over for dinner 

so the 4 of us and our dad were all chillin outside lowkey whatever and my sister decided she wanted to try to create The Most Flammable Substance

reasons this was a bad idea

  • our family has a history of fire related incidents
  • my sister once set the microwave on fire trying to make easy mac
  • ive seen my dad burn water trying to boil an egg
  • we almost burnt the house down one hanukkah when my parents tried to teach us how to light a match
  • my dad once came into my room and set my school issued romeo and juliet book on fire, and then left

fire is not our friend

so the attempt at creating something flammable failed miserably, and actually ended up putting out fires, which was an interesting plot twist, but naturally, this is not where the story ends

so since we could not create our own Extremely Flammable Substance, we decided to use one that already existed, in fact, we used something that existed for this very purpose

fucking lighter fluid

so now the idea was making torches, and we had sticks and lighter fluid and matches, but it was going poorly, cuz anyone whos seen an indiana jones movie knows that torches arent just straight up wood that u light on fire

heres where the “adult supervision” role of my dad started to be questioned (the fact that it took until now for anyone to be worried probably says a lot about my life and my choices) 

he told us we should put fabric around the sticks, and dip that in lighter fluid, which if u need a torch while ur stranded is great advice, but for 4 suburban barely teenage pyromaniac girls, this was probably the dumbest thing he could have told us, because i was immediately sent upstairs to procure old socks.

so i get back outside and theres already a glass filled w lighter fluid ready to go and 4 new sticks and some rubber bands so we tied the socks around the top of the sticks and dipped it in the cup and viola! homemade torches!

except of course none of us actually expected them to work and we were all intensely afraid of getting burned so as soon as we were all holding foot long sticks of flame, reality set in and we freaked the fuck out 

several things happened at once

  • one girl started running and crying,holding the torch out behind her shouting “its following me! its following me!”
  • my sister put it too close to her face, got too hot, panicked and threw her torch across the yard
  • their other friend just sat down on the grass and kept hitting the ground w the torch hoping to put it out
  • and i stood very still in terror until my dog ran into me and the torch went flying

at this point my dad had already gone inside to try to salvage his reputation as a responsible adult and so he could assume plausible deniability bc hey. he wasnt out there when shit hit the fan. not his fault

and now theres 4 teenage girls and a dog staring at a yard aflame, until someone decided it was too close to the house and ran around to turn on the house

my mom still thinks it was just a particularly dry summer that turned all our grass brown