server problems

If i’m telling you, “this is a hot plate.” But I make no effort to put it down, i’m internally yelling at you to move your shit. Your phone. Your keys. Your bread. Whatever is directly in front of you is from that point on is now classified as your shit. The shit you are suddenly responsibly for and I am burning my hands for. Move your shit. I’m not going to move it for you.

Shoutout to the people who see me approaching with their food and immediately start clearing the way for me. You are the real MVPs. You know what’s up. You understand.

As for everybody else. Move. Your. Shit.

Things that make me slightly hate you.


1. When you interrupt me when I’m trying to introduce myself.

2. When you keep asking me to bring you more free bread/chips/crackers because you are just so hungry that you can’t control yourself and when your $30 dish comes out, you can’t even finish it because you stuffed your mouth with free shit.

3. When you tell me that you’re ready to order, but you fucking lied and now I’m stuck standing there waiting for you to decide what to eat while you discuss your options with the people around you. And even worse; when you won’t let me leave. I’m busy. I don’t have time to wait for you to decide when I asked if you were ready. You’re seriously putting me in the weeds. Just tell me you need a minute. I won’t get mad. And if you do need a minute, don’t take the time I’m gone to continue talking with your friends. Take that time to decide what the fuck you want to eat. The worst thing you can tell me when I come back is, “Oh, we didn’t even look at the menu.” Then pick off where you left off with me.  

4. When you forget to ask your picky child what they want to eat. You have had your child long enough to know what they like to eat. Just order it. We don’t need to go down the list of every item of the kiddie menu just for your kid to be like, “No!” at every option, Just for you to be say, “Just get him the chicken strips.” Bitch, you knew your kid only ate fucking chicken. Why would you do this to me?

5. When you make your shy kid tell me what they want to eat. Its both awkward for the child and myself because Lord knows shy kids will mumble their fucking life away resulting in me getting closer to hear them and making them lower their voice. 

6. When you make me list all the drinks we can make only for you to order water.

7. When I recite all the sides I have and you say something stupid like, “Whats the 5th thing you said?” …I don’t remember, sir. So I’m basically going to start all over.

8. When you don’t check your rude ass children and let them talk to me any kind of way.

9. When you let your children make a fucking mess. I understand, children are messy. I do understand that. However, letting them draw on the tables or throw food everywhere is really fucking annoying.

10. When you arrive late in the middle of me handing food out to a large party and you keep trying to get my attention so you can order or ask for a menu. Trust me. I noticed when you got here and I know it must be hard to you to think that for one second the world doesn’t revolve around you, but right now I’m busy trying to get hot food to the people who ordered 20 minutes ago. You’re going to have to wait. 

11. When you drink a lot. I know that some people can’t control it and they are just naturally thirsty. But don’t get irritated when I don’t immediately refill your water when I just did 2 minutes ago. You aren’t my only table. And don’t you dare get offended when I give you two glasses. 

12. When you read the menu to me. Example: “So the platter has, ‘shrimp oyster, cake cakes and fish?” Yes, you literally just read it. In my face. 

13. When you drink your alcoholic beverage and then want a refund because it wasn’t strong enough. If you don’t like your drink, just tell me, I can get you a new one with ease. Don’t wait until you finish the entire thing to complain. I can’t help, then. 

14. When you answer your phone in the middle of me taking your order. Are you fucking serious? 

15. When you keep asking if things are free.

16. When you snap at me to get my attention. I’m a person who told you my name within the first 10 seconds of greeting you, not a dog. 

17. When you jingle your empty glass to indicate that you need a refill. Trust me, I saw it. 

18. When you ignore the hostess and seat yourself. This isn’t your first time in a restaurant so don’t act like it. 

19. When you want multiple substitutions just because you can. 

20. When you come in 10 minutes before we close and take your time ordering/eating. And then you stay well after closing chatting it up with your friends. Most of us have been there since the AM shift and we want to go home. 

21. When I asked you multiple times during your stay if you were alright then at the end of your meal, you need a manager to complain. Its a total dick move and you completely blind sided me. 

An Acutual Customer Interaction
  • Me: *gives a customer a dollar coin as change because we have literally 50 in the register*
  • Me: *closes the drawer*
  • Customer, an older white woman: Can I have an actual dollar bill?
  • Me: I'm so sorry, I've closed my drawer.
  • Customer: Really?
  • Me: Yes, I'm sorry.
  • Customer: Do people actually accept these as change?
  • Me, in the same pleasant voice I've been using: Yes, ma'am.
  • Customer: Watch your ma'am, young lady. I don't like your tone.
  • Customer: *leaves*
  • Coworker: What the fuck?

A few years back, I was a waitress at a breakfast diner. On the menus there are pictures of omelettes. The omelettes pictured are yellow.

It’s 11 at night, I get the last table before closing, and it’s a girl my age. She asks for tea and an egg white omelette. So I bring over her egg white omelette, and she starts screaming. Why? Because it’s not yellow like in the picture on the menu, it’s white, so something must be wrong. I explained that the yolk is what makes omelettes yellow, and she didn’t want egg yolks. She’s still mad, and yells again. And then realizes she could eat while she’s yelling, so she does, and I get to watch her chew with her mouth open while she rants about eggs. I’m exhausted and dying inside. She finally stops. I ask if she wants a refill of tea, and she says yes. She’s quiet for the rest of her meal, for which I am very grateful.

After she paid and left, I collected her receipt. On it, she wrote in all caps “I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW EGGS WORK BUT IT WAS YUMMY.” She left a $20 bill on the table as a tip. She also left some pills in a bag that my manager sent to the police, which were identified as some sort of amphetamine. 

Don’t do drugs kids, you’ll forget how eggs work.

I could be in the deepest of the weeds. Like Jumanji style weeded. I could have 5 tables and all these bitches possess different levels of neediness. Table 3 needs ranch. Got an allergy at 14, so I need a manager to make sure this bitch don’t fucking die. Table 5 needs me to go catch a lobster. Table 33 need a refill of mango tea, extra sweet with extra ice which only makes them need refills sooner because they drink like beached whales. Table 8 put their water in front of the damn baby so of course it got knocked over immediately and I just happened to be standing there so now I have to clean it.

 All this shit could be happening to me at the same time, but if you say the magic words, “I see that you’re busy, but when you get a minute, can you…” 

Do you realize what you have just done? Do you? You have literally just skyrocketed to the top of my to do list.

 Fuck that tea. Fuck that ranch. Fuck that baby. 

 You need napkins, table 45? You getting that shit now. As of this moment, you will get the absolute best service from me. For the duration of your meal, your needs will always come first. You will get a real smile from me. Why? Because you understand that you aren’t my only table in the whole restaurant. You have insured that i’m doing a great job even though in my head, everyone is silently complaining about my service. You understand and for that, I got you, fam.