seriously this book was the shit when i was 3

  • sophie : seriously like the weirdest feeling is when you eat pure artificial shit for a few days and you feel wrong . and the only way to cure it is to eat something natural / fresh and then it goes away
  • agatha : sophie , i once ate gushers for 3 days with only coke in between and my body just wanted more gushers . do you think i'm dying ?
  • sophie : aggie i love you with my entire heart but you absolutely terrify me

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades Darker (part 9/?)

1. How the fuck am I still not done with this. It feels like it’s been years. I still have more than 100 pages. Why is life so cruel.
2. Every time Ana calls their sexy times “love making” I just feel this massive facepalm building up. It takes on a life of its own.
3.Fifty Shades rubbing off on you?” – oh such clever innuendo. I’m cracking up here.
4. Christian: “I was serious about marrying you. We can get to know each other then.” – always a good idea to get to know the person AFTER marrying them. Solid plan, Christian. Stellar.
5. Ana: “one hundred and fifty percent panty-busting smile” – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. How can I even pretend to try and take this book seriously when I read crap like this.
6. I just realized that I have 100 pages to get through and the Leila shit is effectively over, which means there’s less of a plot than usual. My predictions for drama are as follows: (a) mr. asshole boss will make a pass at Ana, causing an all rage in Christian; (b) Ana gets pregnant; © Christian has a mid life crisis; (d) aliens invade the Earth; (e) Sauron finds the One Ring; (f) the Mother of Dragons arrives in Westeros.
7. Holy goblin shark.
8. Ana’s boss is being a dick butt to her and it’s pissing me off.
9. Ana: “Christian the sadist. Christian the submissive. Christian the untouch¬able. Christian’s oedipal impulses.” - *dances Ana to a happier fairy tale*
10. This is a classic tale of „but I want to fix him. I can fix him. YOU’LL SEE. YOU’LL ALL SEE!”
11. Proof: “I know he’s damaged, but I don’t think he’s irredeemable.” IT IS MY MISSION TO SAVE HIM. SUPER ANA, AL RESCATE!!!!
12. She’s analyzing Christian in inner monologue and it’s so boring I have tears in my eyes. Somebody saaaaaaveeee meeeeee.
13. A new drama is unfurling: what in the world will Ana get Christian for his birthday? The anticipation is *literally* killing me.
14. E-mail sex/innuendo/whatever the fuck you want to call it. It’s bad either way.
15. Ana’s boss (Jack): “So, we need to work out a deal. A deal where you keep me happy.” – go die in a ditch, you insensitive, creepy ass of a dinosaur.
16.You are such a tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick tease, you know, Ana,” – FUCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK, JACK.
17. Ana fights back, literally, and I have never been prouder than I am now.
18. ALSO I FUCKING CALLED IT THAT HE’LL MAKE A PASS AT HER. Can we anoint me a psychic now? Kthxbye.
19. For once, I’m cheering for Christian. Seems like miracles do happen.
20. Well that lasted. He’s now uber-Hulk-mad at Anastasia for not using her Blackberry to e-mail with him, because Jack has seen her e-mails. It may be justified, but he’s being a dick and screaming at her and I can’t get behind that.
21. Holy mustached puffbird.
22. These people are living a life composed of 60% sex, 35% fights, 5% mindless, annoying conversation.
23. What even is this.
24. They’re talking about butt plugs and anal beads and nipple clamps. I don’t even know what to say anymore.
25.My inner goddess pops her head out of her bunker.” – paying hard cash for someone to seal that bunker shut. Takers?
26.my inner goddess pole vaults from the bunker onto her chaise longue” – never mind, it’s too late *sighs*
27. If Ana says that she loves Christian, that she truuuuuly loves him, one more time, I will make it my mission to burn all the copies of these books that exist in the world. WE GET IT YOU LOVE HIM NOW PLEASE SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.
28.I don’t think you’ll hurt me,” I breathe.“I don’t think I’ll hurt you, either,” – wonderful. If I were Ana, I’d ask for more than „I don’t think”, but hey, maybe I’m just weird. To not want to be hurt and shit like that.
29. At this point I’m skipping over the sex scenes because it’s just not worth it anymore.
30. LESS THAN 100 PAGES LEFT GOD IS REAL
31. These people are literally always ready to have sex. Very convenient, what the fuck else can I say.
32. Ana: „Christian has finally let me drive my car.” – may I remind you that this is a grown woman, whose boyfriend finally let her drive her car. Sit on that for a second.
33. Now their conversations have become a repetition of  “I don’t want you to leave me/I won’t leave you” and I want to slowly pull all my hair out because this is torture.
34. She’s been working there *one week* and now, with Jack gone, she’s now taking his place. ONE FUCKING WEEK. HAHAHAHA. In all seriousness, the whole situation on the job front is the most unrealistic part of this book. She literally just graduated college. I’m laughing so hard right now.
35. Anastasia Steele, Acting Commissioning Editor. – I have tears running down my face. THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN EVER.
36. She’s on her way to see Christian’s therapist. This will need a post of its own. I’m too drained to keep going right now.
37. Need
38. Chocolate

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades of Grey masterpost

The Light To My Heart // Shawn Mendes Fanfic // Part 1

Imagine a world that when we meet our soul mate, our heart lights up and shines through our chest? What happens when Elleen’s school bully, Shawn Mendes, is Elleen’s soul mate?

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Beep. Beep. Beep. I slap my alarm clock to shut it off. I sit up, groan, and drag my hands across my face. I look to the left to see my clock telling me it is 6:30am. I get out of bed and walk out of my bedroom. I walk into the bathroom and switch the light on. I glance at myself in the mirror and then grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. After i brush my teeth i comb my hair and put it in a side fish tail braid. After i look at my hair in the mirror i walk out of the bathroom and into my room and to my closet. I pick out a white/grey-ish pocket tee, black kneetear skinny jeans, and my solid black converse and put it on. I walk towards my mirror and put on my mascara and eyeliner. Then I grab my liquid foundation and blend it in on top of my scars on my wrist. After i put on my makeup, I take a step back and look at my final look in the mirror. I smile at how decent i look today and grab my backpack and walk out of my room and go downstairs.

“Morning mom, dad, lucas.” i say as i grab plate of, already made, waffles. i make my way to the eating table and pour my syrup onto my waffle and begin to eat. After i finish my waffle i dump my plate in the sink, grab my keys to my range rover, and walk outside and into my car.

I start my car and grab the steering wheel but i keep the car on park. I close my eyes and take a deep inhale of air in the thoughts of what is going to happen today. I open my eyes as i exhale and then i begin to back out of my driveway and make my way to school.

Once i found a parking spot, i got out of my car and into the school. I look around seeing very few glowing hearts of couples holding hands or kissing. I sigh knowing that wont ever be me for a really long time because im the loser of the school. I pushed that fact to the side and i went to my locker and began to grab my history supplies for first period. Well once i had them in my hand, boom. On the ground, thanks to Shawn Mendes, my bully ever since i was 8th grade, and just to tell you, im a junior now.

“Shawn Mendes?” you, readers, gasp because you all know him as the sweet, muffin loving, innocent, Canadian singer from vine, who seems like he wont even hurt a fly even if it were buzzing around him for 10 years. Yes Shawn fucking Mendes. He’s my fucking bully and had been for 3 fucking years.

I sigh and look up at him with an annoyed look on my face before i grab my books from off the floor. But right when my hands go to reach it, his foot goes right on top of it.

“Seriously Mendes? This is really old and im getting tired of this.” I say, super surprised that that came out of my mouth because, damn, i have never stood up for myself.But it’s true, he’s bullied me for so long, throwing shit at me, dumping his lunch in me, calling me these names and words that scar me, and its been happening since middle school. And not to mention, he stole my only friend, Jake, just to make me alone. Oh and did i mention, Shawn also made Jake bully me with him and the rest of Shawns buddies. Perfect right?

“Excuse me?” he said using his foot to move my face up to look at him. I slap his foot away from me and pick up my books and slam my locker. Fucking dick.

“I said that this is getting old and im actually really fucking tired of this shit.” I say with the last of my confidence left in me. Then i spin around and make my way to history class but of course, even though i stood up for myself, that doesnt stop shawn mendes. He grabs my shoulder and pulls me back to face him before he begins to speak sternly to me.

“Don’t you ever talk to me like that again. Got it, hun?”. I let out a small sarcastic chuckle before i shake his hand off me and walk to class.

I walk into class and take a seat in the far back corner. Im 2 minutes early so im one of the 5 earliest students to class, like always.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, the clock goes before the bell rings signaling that class is beginning. Most students are here, by that i mean all students are here besides the jocks. They usually don’t show up until the tardy bell rings, so the class usually just starts without them anyways.

“So you guys will be doing a partner project on any of the 8 crusades. partner one will do the 10 locations and the who, what, when, where, and why, and partner two will be drawing a map of where your crusade surrounds and putting the route and annotating the 10 locations it has went to. I will be assigning your partners and you two will have the last 10 minutes in class to discuss who is partner one and two and which crusade you guys are doing and whatever else you must discuss ABOUT THE PROJECT.” my history teacher, Ms.Yeager, says to the class.

As Ms.Yeager reads her list of her assigned partners off her clipboard, i tap my fingers in anxiousness, bad anxiousness, of who my partner will be. No one in this class is my friend so it will be a surprise to me. I mean its not like all of them are mean, only Shawn, who i probably forgot to mention is in my history class.

Ms.Yeager has assigned everyone partners except the 4 last people, who are James, Kayce, Shawn, and me. By now im praying to God that i do NOT get paired up with Shawn.

“James and Kayce. Elleen and Shawn.” Ms.Yeager says lastly. Of course, when do i ever get what i want?

I look over to the other side of the room to see Shawn turned around and smirking at me. My heart is racing and my fingers tap against the table matching my fast pace heartbeat.

He turns 90° in his chair and gets up, making his way across the room, and towards me. I watch his every move and my heart quickens 10 times faster than before. And before i know it, he’s sitting right next to me.

“So i see it as you should be partner one,” he says, i nod, “and partner two.” he finishes. I laugh semi-loud and sarcastically. “and i see it as you can be one of these two partners or i’ll just do one of the things one partner should do and if you dont do your part im just going to put my name on mine and make sure to turn it in with a note saying ‘Shawn Mendes is a slack off and wont do his part in the project that is worth over 140 points in his grade.’ ” i say smiling like an innocent little girl. By now, im very shocked at my words. You go Elleen, I say to myself.

He looks at me, very wide-eyed. “Fine,” he says giving up, “my house, be there 5 minutes after school.” he finishes ripping a piece of paper from my notebook and writes his address down and gives it to me.

I look at it and the look back up at him. I look at the clock an notice the bell will ring in 30 seconds so i begin to close my books and hold them. Shawn apparently noticed me packing because he was already back at his seat putting his backpack on. Then the bell rung.

I walk out of class and switch my books and make my way to my next class. And the day went on with the same routine.

Close to the end of the day, i got more anxious about the project after school. And a very bad anxious. The whole last period was me making up scenarios of Shawn beating me up or poisoning me or locking me in his closet when i get to his house. Goddamnit im screwed.

RING, the bell went which signaled all the student running out of class and out of the school in a stampede.

I put my books away quickly in my locker and grab my history notes on the crusades i took today and quickly made my way out of the school and into the car. What if i dont make it to Shawns house before 5 minutes, is he going to punch me in my gut? “shit elleen, stop making up scenarios and hurry the fuck up!” i say to myself. I grab my phone and begin to map shawns house. I begin to drive out of the school and follow the directions to shawns house.

Before i knew it, i was in the drive way of Shawn’s house. I take a deep breath in and out as i grab my backpack and notebook and exit my car.

I walk up to his front door and slowly knock on the door twice and i look down at my notebook and wait. After about 15 seconds, the door swings open.

I look up and i stand there in front of shawn. “Come in.” he says stepping to the side. I nod and slowly walk in.

“Shawn, who’s at the door?” a woman, who i assume is his mom, says as she steps out of the kitchen. She looks at me and smiles. I smile back and say,“Hi you must be Mrs.Mendes, I’m Elleen, it’s very nice to meet you.” I say and make my way towards her to shake her hand. She smiles, “It’s very nice to meet you too, Elleen, would you like something to drink?” she offers. “No mom she doesn’t she’s just here to–” Shawn interrupts but i cut him off saying, “Actually a cup of water would do, if thats okay.” Shawn groans behind me and he drags his hand across his face.

Mrs.Mendes comes back to me with a glass of water and hands it to me and she offers me a seat, which i take.

“So Elleen, are you Shawn’s girlfriend?” she says. I choke on my water and quickly nod no. “Oh no no no. Im just his history project partner.” I say setting my drink on the counter. “Okay thats enough talk, lets go do the project.” Shawn says and grabs my arm and begins to pull me upstairs. “It was nice to talk and meet you Mrs.Mendes!” i semi-scream so she can hear me. I hear her say it was nice to meet me too but shawn pushes me in his room.

“Why would you do that?” he says as he closes the door behind him. I laugh lightly, “It’s called being polite and nice, but you probably don’t know what that is. Let’s just start in the project.” I say and put my notebook on the floor as i sit down on the floor also.

About an hour and a half later, I have 9 of my locations, and an explanation of what happened in those locations, and i finished the who and what of the 5 w’s. I put my pencil down to shake my hand from the aching of writing so much and then i look to my right to see how much Shawn has done and i completely loose it.

“WHAT THE FUCK SHAWN?!” i scream, but not too loud so that his mom wont hear me. He jumps when he hears my voice. I take his laptop and look at the screen. “SERIOUSLY? YOU’RE WATCHING YOUTUBE VIDEOS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SEARCHING UP THE ROUTE OF THE CRUSADE AND LOOKING FOR A PICTURE OF THE MAP TO COPY?!” i scream at him.

“I DID!” he says as he takes the laptop and switches to the google tabs.

I facepalm and groan. “Thats the wrong crusade. We’re doing the 4th crusade, you searched up the 7th crusade…” i said.

I’m actually so stressed out. Im at that moment where im so stressed that i feel the need to cry. Which i apparently am because i feel a tear roll down cheek. I quickly wipe it and sniffle as quietly as i can. I pull myself together as fast as i can and i just begin to write again, but im so shaky that i just hold my pencil and stare at it. I feel another tear roll down my cheek and i wipe it.

“Elleen..you okay there?” Shawn says.

“Yeah, yeah, im fine, never been better.” i say and put a fake smile on my face and quickly take it off my face.

Shawn turns me around and moves my face to look straight at his.

“Wanna tell me whats up?” he says quietly.

I loose it there. I begin to sob histarically.

“You wanna know whats up? IM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS. If i could fucking slack off like you and watch youtube videos instead of doing my fucking homework, i would! BUT I CANT! Why did I have to be partnered up with a slacker?! I work so fucking hard and then i turn around and see my fucking partner not doing shit! but yet i know, i fucking know, at the last minute he’ll actually do his homework and still get full credit and the teacher will assume he’s a great student! He’s an excellent student! He does his work! While i actually do my fucking shit as hard as i can, you still get the same shit grade i get but you dont try as hard as i do!” by the time i finish talking my cheeks are soaked with tears and my hand are throwing against his chest weakly.

“Elleen! Elleen! I’m sorry! Calm down please! I’ll start working! Stop crying! Stop hitting me too!” shawn screams but softly.

I’m still weakly throwing my fists at hi chest but he grabs my wrist harshly. I wince at his actions because of the fresh cuts he touched. I pull away and tuck my wrists into my chest. And i couldnt help but cry more because of the pain.

I think shawn knew why i began to cry more because when i hit him again, instead of grabbing my wrists, he took both of his hands and firmly put four fingers under my ear and his thumbs on my cheek as he firmly held my head from moving.

“Elleen…elleen. calm down…” he said grabbing my attention but not stopping me from crying. “Elleen look at me. Look at me. Straight in the eyes.” He said. His voice was so firm and stern that it made me listen to his command. I looked at him in his eyes and i began to calm down. I don’t know why but i just did.

His eyes were calming and his voice when he told me to calm down was a melody. After 5 minutes of me trying to get my breathing pattern back to normal, i finally calmed down.

Shawn was still holding me. We sat there staring in each others eyes. Then he began to lean in closer to me.

“Elleen, what the fuck? STOP HIM.” I said to myself, but i didn’t know what to do. I froze unavailable to know what to do…

****A/N - OMG HEY GUYS!!!! I hope you guys like this fanfic so far, i like it(:

If I’m not busy tomorrow, i’ll probably update. But yeahhhhh. Hope you guys likey. (I was inspired to write this because of a tumblr post so yaaah). Hope you guys like!****

Joanne Promo Submission

The following was submitted to me:

According to an insider I know, (he doesn’t work with Gaga directly, but he shared the album title, info on tracks and the track listing, and info on the PI music video…all back in July.) there is some pretty exciting stuff happening before the Joanne album release.

Tomorrow (maybe) will be when we are able to preorder the album. If not, it will 100% be on Sunday. Sunday is more likely, but I know Bobby wants the preorder to be open before the next single. But marketing wise, waiting until Sunday is better because…

Sunday we will get the first promotional single from Joanne!!! Which track, I’m not sure, but there is a liklihood that it is A-Yo, as this track was very well received at the NY party and it pays homage to the production of the album. Either way, A-Yo will be a single at one point in this era. 

This single will play a large part in the ad campaign that will also kick off for Gaga’s Superbowl Half Time Show!! She will be confirmed as the performer Sunday evening, after the single release. (They were planning on doing the release of the new song AFTER the announecment to really ride off that momentum, but after making a rash decision to formally release the track listing Bobby and the Haus saw clearly how pumped the fans are and there’s no need to wait until after the announcement!)

Next week will be slow otherwise. Gaga will be busy filming a music video. Location and creative teams/extras are already booked. Its the video for whichever single is being released Sunday.

The following week (first week of October) is when shit is hitting the fan. Seriously. The promotion they have set and booked for this album is insane. We are going to see Gaga everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

I haven’t been supplied the dates, but in the first 3 weeks (leading up to the Friday release) Gaga will be on Jimmy Kimmel to perform, will be the music guest for SNL (not the premiere, I haven’t been told which), will be interviewed and perform on Ellen, and will perform on GMA (she loves the environment there, performing Applause was so fun for her and she’s really excited to return!)

On Kimmel she will sing Promo1, on SNL she will perform both Perfect Illusion and Promo1- there will also likely be a teasing of the title track at the piano during the PI performance. And on Ellen she will perform PI. GMA will be a small performance of Promo1 and the music video will likely be release the following day.

The weekend before the release of the album will be another single. If this is when her SNL performance is (the 15th) then you can say goodbye to PI being performed and it will be both Promos, they planned for both before booking and my insider doesn’t know if she’s on the 8th or 15th. 

The video for Promo2 won’t be until after the album premieres, and Gaga and her team will be going dark the week of Joanne. No tweets, no snaps, MAYBE an appearance on TV (if it’s already booked) and the Superbowl ad campaign is going to take over. That week will be a lot of commercial spots featuring her songs, and even a commercial for the album itself (nothing spectacular, just a 10-15 second spot occasionally on FOX during their regular lineup. The day before the release the Superbowl campaign is planning on doing some cool stuff on social media which will include a snippet of Million Reasons (“There’s only a MILLION REASONS to see Gaga perform at the 2017 Pepsi Halftime Show!). I can actually guarentee that, Gaga’s team LOVES a good pun. 

Then the album will be released. And it will blow your mind. My favorite song is Dancin’ In Circles. I hope it gets a video at some point. Its a fucking jam and a half.

The tour is crazy secret. I know the Haus and Gaga are working on it. It will NOT be before March. They are staying sharply focused on the halftime show. There’s no way to truly emphasize how big this is for Joanne. They are working to make it flawless and they have some huge ideas. Aside from additional promotional time, some AHS events in November, and spending time with family for the cookbook release and holidays, Gaga is in meetings and rehearsals for the next 3 months for the halftime show. They are building the show by making a performance of each track and stitching them together. She’s basically learning and rehearsing a full 90 minute show and then finding the best moments to cut it to 20 minutes. 

Not much choreography is happening until the halftime show. Dont expect it in the next video or the TV performances. 

The tour supporting Joanne will be a feature with Intel as well. No new technology though, this era is about the music. There will be some sick cinematography during the tour though, that is what Intel is working on. And that’s literally all I know. It will probably be starting in time to carry her through the US in the summertime.

And Gaga has already been asked to receive the MJVA during the 2017 VMA. In fact, she was asked to receive in this year but turned it down because Bobby and the Haus didn’t want her to play much new music that far before the album release, and the NFL creative team didn’t want the album to be released any earlier. She would have had to pick one or the other to be the main promotion for this album and her team guided her to the right option.

Is this enough hype!? ;) Enjoy.

What do you think?

anonymous asked:

Hey, I saw your post about writing questions. How you stay on task when writing a book? I’m really bad at finishing a book as I get writers block, take a break to work through my idea’s but then I get distracted and slowly stop writing :/ How do I get past this as I love writing.

Hello, dear anon~ ♥︎

Alright, I’m gonna give you my top 3 tips for writing and never stopping, okay? You ready? Here we go:

#3. Stay motivated. It’s hard to stop writing when you have an exciting project that you WANT to write. If you have a book and you want to regain the drive to finish it, I have an exercise just for you. Otherwise, I have a planning guide that focuses on this.

#2. Stop caring about other people’s opinions. Seriously. You don’t have control over what people think of you. Whether you write or not, people will hate you and love you. So, you might as well just write and not give a shit about anyone’s opinion. Not your parent’s. Not your teacher’s. Not your peer’s. Not anyone’s.

#1. Have fun. Writing should be fun, and you should enjoy it. You don’t have to work your way into the ‘fun.’ That is the most backwards thing I have ever heard in my life. You don’t have to suffer through the things you love to get to the fun parts. Don’t write the boring bits. Just write, have fun, and enjoy it. Here is the rule to writing: If you enjoy writing it, your readers will enjoy reading it. Simple as that.

I hope this helps~ ♥︎

This was answered as part of M. Kirin’s Writing Advice Blitz! For writerly advice, prompts, and more, follow maxkirin.tumblr.com!