serial killer jokes

` ° * ✧ ° RANDOM SENTENCE STARTERS PT 2.

❛ I wish that I could tell you. ❜
❛ You should have stayed. ❜
❛ Please don’t come looking for me. ❜
❛ Just get out of here. ❜
❛ I don’t know, I just don’t know. ❜
❛ Why did you come? ❜
❛ Do you think this is a game? ❜
❛ Can’t break something that was already broke. ❜
❛ Don’t fix something that isn’t broke. ❜
❛ Why can’t you just butt out?
❛ I don’t need your help. ❜
❛ I’m not here for you. ❜
❛ You’re never here for me when I need you. ❜
❛ Is that smell you? ❜
❛ Can you please just stop already. ❜
❛ I’m leaving you. ❜
❛ I just didn’t want you to come around. ❜
❛ Are you sure you’re okay alone? ❜
❛ No, no, no, no —- I just checked it last night. ❜
❛ Don’t worry, you’ll learn how to do it someday. ❜
❛ I think we are going to like each other a lot. ❜
❛ I just wanted to come and let you know. ❜
❛ So, what are you going to do, now that you know? ❜
❛ You have got to be fucking kidding me right now. ❜
❛ Do me a favor and shut up already. ❜
❛ Scratch the serial number off of it. ❜
❛ I’m not wearing a mask. ❜
❛ You act like it’s all my fault sometimes. ❜
❛ I’m here for your pity party. ❜
❛ You are in a lot of trouble, you know that right? ❜
❛ You aren’t allowed in here. ❜
❛ Who invited you? ❜
❛ You aren’t wanted around here anymore. Sorry. ❜
❛ I can’t keep covering for you. What’s going on? ❜
❛ Just tell me what’s wrong! Talk to me! ❜
❛ There’s so many things I would’ve done differently. ❜
❛ Stop crying about it and do something about it. ❜
❛ Stop looking for the things worth dying over and find the things worth living for. ❜
❛ So, prove them wrong. Thats the best way to do it. ❜
❛ Don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me. ❜
❛ Yeah, well, we all have our sob story so just save it. ❜
❛ Don’t cry over me or for me, I’m not worth it. ❜
❛ It isn’t cheating if you aren’t actually dating. ❜
❛ You know what? That’s a good idea. ❜
❛ You need to find someome better already. ❜
❛ I’m not listening to your bullshit right now. ❜
❛ Is that a freaking condom? ❜
❛ It smells like sour milk in here for crying out loud. ❜
❛ Am I really standing here witnessing this right now? ❜
❛ I’m not a bad influence if it’s always your ideas. ❜
❛ I never forced you to do anything. ❜
❛ Are you really walking out on me? ❜
❛ Come near me again and I’ll blow your head off. ❜
❛ Treat me like the princess that I am. ❜
❛ Just remember a lot of guys want what I’m letting you do right now. ❜
❛ How can you possibly be in love with two people at the same time? ❜
❛ Let’s just get out of here. ❜
❛ Shhh, I’m going to key his/her car. ❜
❛ There’s no one even here. ❜
❛ I’m just saying, it sounds like a bad idea. ❜
❛ Is that blood on your shirt? ❜
❛ Oh my God, are you bleeding?! ❜
❛ Jesus, don’t you ever get tired of doing that. ❜
❛ You know they throw people in Asylum’s for doing that. ❜
❛ You’re just looking for trouble, like always. ❜
❛ Enough is never enough for you. ❜
❛ I could never get tired of this. ❜
❛ You’re so jumpy lately. ❜
❛ I mean I feel bad but whatever. ❜
❛ I have a reputation to maintain unlike you. ❜
❛ Why are you staring at me? ❜
❛ Stop feeding into his/her bullshit! Wake up! ❜
❛ Are you on drugs or something? ❜
❛ You have lost your fucking mind, once and for all. ❜
❛ Yes, you summoned me. ❜
❛ I’m not here to help you. I’m here to watch you struggle. ❜
❛ Hey, cut it out already! I can hear the stupid TV. ❜
❛ Are you seriously asking me this right now? ❜
❛ Have you ever tried to count the stars? ❜
❛ I should kill you right now! ❜
❛ Don’t you dare walk away from me! ❜
❛ I know where you live! Don’t forget! ❜
❛ I just wanted to have a good time but no, you couldn’t let me, could you? ❜
❛ This friendship has officially sunk, hope you’re happy. ❜
❛ Are you satisfied now? You should be. This is what you wanted. ❜
❛ I don’t get everything that I want unlike you. ❜
❛ Must be nice to be that miserable all the time. ❜
❛ Happiness is the most temporary thing in life. ❜
❛ Everything happens for a reason, right? ❜
❛ You can call me at any hour. Always. ❜
❛ There’s nothing that I can’t do. ❜
❛ You’re like a forty year old, like an old soul or something. ❜
❛ Say it or I’ll cut your finger off. ❜
❛ I will stab you right in the eye if you look at me one more time. ❜
❛ Go ahead and look but don’t touch, unless you want a broken limb. ❜
❛ I’m actually a serial killer. I’m not joking. ❜
❛ You have such a morbid sense of humor. ❜
❛ This is our time, come on, let’s have our time. ❜
❛ Hey, want a hand with that? ❜
❛ I almost forgot what that felt like. ❜
❛ I just want to feel something. I don’t know what though. ❜
❛ I need your help with something. ❜
❛ I’m pissed off right now. ❜
❛ Don’t go breaking my heart. ❜
❛ Why do you build me and watch me fall? Is that fun for you? ❜
❛ Well, I’m used to it by now, so take your best shot. ❜
❛ I hate crying. It makes me mad. ❜
❛ I really don’t want to be seen with you right now. ❜
❛ Please, just don’t forget. Whatever you do. Don’t forget. ❜
❛ You can’t catch me though. ❜
❛ I know I said fucked up things and I’m sorry. ❜
❛ Look, I’m an asshole. I don’t mean be to be. ❜
❛ I’ll try not to be an asshole anymore. ❜
❛ Any pocket knives or anything? ❜
❛ Where’d you go? ❜
❛ I’m going to turn myself in. ❜
❛ Did you finish your cigarette yet? ❜
❛ You can turn around and face the other way. ❜
❛ It wasn’t worth it, was it? ❜
❛ I have no idea what you said. ❜
❛ Right now, you’re acting very weird. ❜
❛ I don’t even know what that statement means. ❜
True crime ask game: send me a name!
  • Ted Bundy: Do you prefer to wear socks or to not wear socks?
  • Jeffrey Dahmer: What's the last thing you ate?
  • Richard Ramirez: Do you believe in God/Satan?
  • Eric Harris: Do you lose your temper a lot?
  • Dylan Klebold: Would you say you're a lonely person?
  • Charles Manson: Are you musical?
  • Edmund Kemper: How tall are you?
  • Ed Gein: Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
  • Aileen Wuornos: What's your opinion on society?
  • David Berkowitz: Ever fired a gun? Do you want to?
  • Bonnie & Clyde: Do you believe in "true love"?
  • TJ Lane: Do you think you've ever got to a point where you've hit "rock bottom"?
Tumblr-itis

Symptoms:

1- Self diagnosis

2- Praise and idolization of criminal behavior

3- Shoplifting

4- Need to belong in a crowd(AKA group thinking)

5- Delusion

6- Inability to see the line between fiction and reality

7- Denial of facts

8- Irrational love for a fictional character or series

9- Irrational hate for a fictional character or series

10- Petitions of censorship

Causes:

1- Lack of education

2- Too much time out of the freezer

3- Too much time on the internet

4- Mental immaturity

5- Bad parenting

6- Not going outside enough

Consequences:

1- Spoiling

2- Irrationality

3- Blurred lines of morality

4- Disappearance of genitalia

5- Childish behavior 

6- Racism

7- Death by lack of Vitamin D

Cure(s)(One of them will work):

1- Cut off the internet

2- Go outside

3- Go to college(If young, just pay attention at school)

4- Have some real problems

5- Face reality

“Being Fuckable does not mean being date-ble.” [Dylan O’brien] Pt. 2

2,400 words!!

It’s been so long and I’d like to apologize for being so late on this. I wish I could say what’s been going on in my personal life but I can’t, guys. But it’s finally here!! Feel free to re-read part one to refresh your memory a bit if you want: Part 1

sorry if there’s any errors.

~~

My eyes felt the sensation of the sun as I tried to adjust to the lighting. Something was particularly different this morning. 

For one, my back was pressed against a muscular figure as arms were around my waist holding me tightly. At first, I was about to freak out, but then I realized the familiar surroundings of the room. 

It was Dylan’s room.

A moment of relief hit me but quickly washed away when my mind focused on his arms around me again. His body started to shift hinting at me that he was waking up. 

Quickly, I closed my eyes again to avoid any awkward event that might take place if both of us were awake at the same time in the current position. 

As my eyelids remained shut, I felt him lift his head up to check my side of the bed. I began to feel his stare boring into me because of the shadow covering the light, but I stayed the same. 

His head started to go back to the position he was in as I started to wonder what the hell was he thinking.

At first I thought he would get up or get away from my touch, but my doubts soon disappeared as I felt his hands tightening my stomach more, pulling me closer.

My mouth slightly opened causing me to form a slight smile. Dylan never accidentally spooned someone. In fact, he never moved in his sleep, well not that I knew off. 

He always said he needed his side of the bed all to him because touches caused him to get too hot at night. 

I came to the conclusion that he chose to bring me to his arms, there was no other explanation, and the fact that he pulled me close proved my theory. This was new, and it made me feel warm inside. I wasn’t questioning anything.

“Dylan,” I spoke, afraid that if he knew I had awoken he would stop doing what he was doing. Curiosity was killing me though.

“Mmm?” Was all he responded, as if everything he was doing was a normal thing to do to your best friend. 

“What time is it?”

“8:23 Why?” I could feel his breathing in the back of my neck as chills quickly went down my spine.

His mouth, it was so close to my shoulder. It was amazing. 

I wanted to see his expression at the moment so I decided to face his direction. His arms were no longer wrapped around my stomach even if I wish they still were. “I have to go to my classes later.” 

“But it’s barely eight in the morning.” A slight pout formed in his lips, very adorable, yet his eyes were still in a sleep-like state as he opened them briefly in moments.

“Dylan, you know how long I take when I get ready even If I don’t intend to, plus I still have to drive to my house, take a shower, make myself breakfast, FEED my dog and you-” I went on and on as he decided to stop me. 

His hands snaked around my waist yet again, pulling me close just as I was they were a minute before. This time, his lips were only an inch away from me as my nerves started to kick in. His eyes were now set fully on me as his pupils dilated. 

“5 more minutes.” He closed his eyes again. His voice was dominant and way more confident than I have ever seen him. 

It only made me wonder why he was acting so touchy. Why wasn’t he mad anymore? It soon started to eat at me at what I might of done the night before. Did my drunk self do anything stupid?

Of course I know we didn’t hook up, I was still in my dress and he was fully clothed as well. Dylan had too much respect in him.

“I have to go. My head hurts and you ran out of aspirin.” I made the excuse acting as if I wasn’t just leaving to recollect my thoughts from last night.

His head shot up as soon as I got away from his touch. “Yeah, um okay.” I heard as I left him there to sleep alone. As much as I wanted the sensation to last, I had to figure out what was going on.

Translation for; I was going to avoid it all day, get my errands done, then go over to ask Dylan in a nonchalant way on our movie night marathon later.

Dylan’s POV.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. (Y/N) reciprocated what I felt for her. She had it all wrong. Everything. 

She completely misunderstood my actions. I see her as the girl I want to do things with but only if we’re in love. The thought of us just having a one night stand and leaving it at just that made my heart ache, I’m so in love with her I can’t believe she never noticed. 

I got pissed off when she said I was just Fuck-able actually. It felt like rejection without the confession before-hand.

Oh god, I wanted my hands all over her so bad today, I kept covering the front of my pants so she couldn’t see what was fuming inside. She made me the craziest how could she ever think I don’t find her desirable?”

Hell, my sexual dreams have always been about her.

I carried her all the way to my room, where she usually sleeps when she gets wasted. She let out low breaths which made me come to the conclusion that she was very much asleep. 

Her eyes started to shift as I positioned her in my bed. 

“No, don’t let me go.” She murmured as she felt the bed beneath her. I felt her hand grab me and start pulling me down, of course I was staying there.

 The rest of the night was bliss.

My mind flash forward back to the present.

She definitely didn’t remember before. Was it the drunk talking? 

Oh god.

I shouldn’t of done that in the morning. 

Your POV.

“Dylan?” I called out as unlocked his door with the key he places for me in case he’s occupied.

“Dylan where are you?”

“Hold on I’m drying off.”

He just took a shower, he’s going to smell so good what the fuck, this timing? I decided to head over to his kitchen and start taking out the snacks we eat on movie nights.

Diabetes written all over them yes.

I heard foot steps approaching and felt myself getting more anxious by the second. Would he be able to tell this annoying emotion I carry? hopefully not.

“Hey so I picked the movies already.”

Silence.

 When he noticed I didn’t respond he spoke again, “Y/N?”

“What?” I paused, “Oh yeah, great. Now we just have to-” I turned around and there was Dylan with his regular clothes except this time, he was shirtless. 

My sleep wear consisted of pj shorts and a tank top. The usual. He noticed my staring so he decided his eyes were going to roam on me too. He smirked and I felt another episode of tease jokes coming,

 “-Uh to get drinks.” I forced myself to finish the sentence even though all I wanted to do was stare at his body for longer than two seconds.

He stared at me with a poker face and it annoyed me because I couldn’t tell what he was thinking at all. “Okay, let’s go watch the movies.” He laughed.

Unusual? I was so sure his jokes were coming.

Two Hours later, it was back to the regular interactions we always have had. I didn’t even bother asking what I did when I drank even if it was aching at the back of my head. 

The first movie finished and he decided he needed to go to the restroom as I just needed more chips.

After two minutes,

I felt Dylan’s presence once again behind me even if I didn’t know how close he’d really be. “Okay what’s the next movie-” Our chests collided and my mind went blank.

Soon enough, I laughed it off but he remained serious. “Y/N?” 

“Yes?” I answered as we were still in a close position with our lips just inches from touching each other.

Don’t look at his lips. Don’t look at his lips. Don’t look at his lips.

“You should really put on a shirt.”

He ignored me as he continued, “Do you believe that myth that states that children and drunk people always tell the truth?”

“Nope. That’s why it’s called a myth.” I felt myself getting anxious.

“Why..did- did I say something to you? I did didn’t I? I said something stupid now you’re going to throw it in my face. Out with it..” I started freaking out before I could even process or think what could be so dumb that could slip my mind.

He rolled his eyes. “Do you really want to know what you said?” He kept getting closer as I backed away as far as I could every step he took. Once I reached the corner of the counter i knew I was trapped. 

His muscles out in the open weren’t helping my case either.

“I think I heard my phone ring in my room.” I said excusing myself with that lame white lie, The tension back there was going to make me crack. 

“You’re phone is on the couch.”

He stood there in the doorway smirking. I paused in panic not knowing what to do.

“Where was I?“

“You sound like a serial killer stop.” I joked.

“Last night, you said you wanted me to throw you into a bed,” He came closer, moved my body down until I landed on the bed. 

“You wanted me to be on top of you.” He crawled until his face was close to mine again.

“And then,” He kept going as I mentally chocked. 

“A- And then what?” His lips were the center of my attention. He stayed hovering over me, causing me to scream on the inside. I was getting caught up in his teasing, but I was too tired of fighting it.

“Curious aren’t we?” Rasing an eyebrow, he kept staring back and forth at my lips and eyes. There we go with the serial killer voice.

“I’m curious on how far you’re willing to go with this lie.”

“The answer is, very far.”

“Wha-”

Before I could finish the sentence his lips were pinned against mine. It took a few seconds for me to process what was going on, after I caught on, I decided to grab him and pull him closer. 

His lips felt exactly like I imagined, my stomach started to spin, and my needs were intensified. 

What I must’ve said must of been pretty smooth or something, surprisingly, nothing was weird it felt like something normal between us. It felt like it was suppose to happen right in that moment.

We broke apart trying to catch our breaths. I looked at him in a shocked, speechless, expression.

He just keep gazing, his lips slowly formed into the cutest smile that I had no idea what was for. The air suddenly felt warm and the vibe was intimate. From the looks of it, Dylan could feel it too.

“I didn’t really say that did I?”

“No.” He smiled. His smile was too happy that it made me wonder what I really said to him.

“Then what was i-”

“You’re in love with me.” His eyes narrowed down as he grinned to himself.

“What?! N-No I’m n-”His lips once again shut me up. I didn’t know where I was even going with this, because my confession caused him to kiss me in the first place which is a good sign?

I pushed myself into him wanting to taste his lips again and again. 

“You tricked me!” He didn’t even let me speak longer he just kept kissing me over and over. My breathing became irregular as I felt his hand slowly enter the inside of my skirt. 

His breathing felt hot against my neck, once his hands gained access to the inside of my underwear, he wasted no time. His fingers were shoved right into me. “Already wet babe?”

“I want your tongue on my clit.” 

“You’re so impatient.” His kisses kept trailing down my body.

“Get the job done, bust the nut faster.” We we’re best friends. Who’s to say my savage way of speaking didn’t also come in the bedroom.

“I hate you I really do.” I laughed as he bit his lip and finally got to his destination. 

“Yeah oka-fuuck!” I moaned as his mouth finally made contact with my clit.

“BEAST.” I said not being able to get caught up on my breathing. His chuckling wasn’t making this better. 

I closed my eyes (as if that was a choice with the pace he was going.) fully taking it all in. 

“Right fucking there.”

“Dylan why the fuck,” moaning, “-have we not done this sooner?”

Once he finished getting me off, 

“Your reading cock-blocked me.”

“touché”.

His sloppy kisses made their way back to my neck. “I’m going to fuck you to make up for all of the times I couldn’t.”

“It’ll show.” 

His dick quickly inserted in me causing my mouth to shockingly open. “YOU BIG FUCKER- DYLAN.” 

He begin to grind against me as my moans began to get out of control. He groaned caressing my cheek.

“Close my mouth with your hands, it’s my all time kink.” 

“But I like your moans.”

I softly screeched as his movements began to get faster. “And I like looking at your hairy arms as you fuck m-” His hand shut me up as his muscles came more into view while my moans were silenced.

He was getting to the climax as I felt him tense up. “Fuck.” We moved faster in sync until he finally released.

“Oh my god.” His huge sigh of satisfaction was so sexy I couldn’t breathe. Slowly, he removed himself from me as his lips met mine once again.

“I’m so in love with you.”

He said, as he now was the one drifting into sleep.
Fertilization. But even after the egg is fertilized, it’s still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus, and pregnancy begins. And not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman’s fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet, they are fertilized eggs, so basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer. Consistency.
—  George Carlin
ew.com
Darren Criss: From a Warbler on 'Glee' to a Killer in 'The Assassination of Gianni Versace'
‘I am up for the challenge. There’s zero anxiety.’

June 23, 2017

By Tim Stack

Ryan Murphy was adamant that Darren Criss — best known for his five seasons on Murphy’s Glee as sweet, bow-tied Blaine — play the Andrew Cunanan, the twisted serial killer in The Assassination of Gianni Versace. A Talented Mr. Ripley-type character, Cunanan charmed his way into wealthy circles before his violent break; he’s far from a one-note monster.

It’s unquestionably the biggest and most challenging role of Criss’ career so far. “Actors are only as good as the parts they get. You can only be as good as those moments you get,” Criss says. “This is one of those ship-coming-in moments where Ryan has really given me this massive opportunity, and I’d like to think I am up for the challenge. There’s zero anxiety.”

It’s a definite about-face from the squeaky clean Blaine, but Criss says he treats all roles with equal intensity. “I don’t like quantifying one [role is] harder or easier or funner or more significant than other characters,” says the 30-year-old. “Blaine, by comparison, could be put into a cartoonish box. The very patter of Glee exists in a different world than the one we’re dealing with. But all the same, I treat that silly hairdo and the clothes he wore and the way that he spoke and the things he believed in with the same currency that I treat someone like Andrew, who was a real person and had real friends and family/”

To sell his creative team on his vision, Murphy sent Smith and executive producer Brad Simpson to see Criss in the touring production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. “Once every night he jumps into somebody’s lap and makes out with them,” says Simpson. “In the middle of the show, he jumps in the audience and rips my glasses off and makes out with me. It was very charming and a very Cunanan thing to do, to be a little devilish. Cunanan charmed people and then turned them off. We’re talking about a serial killer people liked.” Criss jokes: “I casting-couched the s— outta that! In my defense, I didn’t know it was Brad Simpson. I’m glad I didn’t know.”


To read more on The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, pick up the new issue of Entertainment Weekly on stands Friday