Thanks for the heartbreak, Timehop
I love Timehop because it gives me a good taste of embarrassment (I love laughing at myself) and nostalgia to start my day.
Sometimes however, our past can be very sweet, and I still can’t get the taste of this morning out of my mouth.
5 years ago this day, I first talked to Randi. Timehop showed me that on September 20th, 2011 Randi Hoffman posted on my wall, “It was nice chatting with you tonight :).” On September 20th, 2016 aka today I felt my heart break all over again.
I never knew that 5 years later, I would still be thinking about Randi so much. It blows my mind that I am now the exact age Randi was when she passed away. I still think, “what if?” all the time. I still think about where we would be in each other’s lives, if she would have taught in China, if we would be living in the same state, if she would have liked the expansion in Harry Potter World, and of course if we would have ended up together. I feel like even if we weren’t dating Randi and I would still be close. I feel like she’d still be the person I called when I would receive good news or bad. I feel like she would be at my wedding whether she was the person I was standing next to, or a friendly face in the crowd. I feel like my life would be even fuller with Randi in it.
These past few weeks have SUCKED. There’s no elegant or classy way to say it, because it’s as simple as that. It’s sucked. I have thought countless times over the past few weeks how much I wish I could call her or text her right now about what I’ve been going through, so this morning was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I cried. I cried so, so hard
What I’ve wanted, what I’ve NEEDED so much lately is to just feel love; to receive actions that just radiate love, and I have been starved of that. I thought this when dating Randi, and with every person I’ve been with after Randi, that no matter how great my past girlfriends have been, no one has shown me more love than Randi. Randi made me feel more loved than I even thought was possible for a human to show. She was one in a billion, and I’m so fortunate I was one of the few people who had the privilege of having their lives touched by her. I miss her so much. I miss how loved she made me feel so much.