semi don

Service Offered: Professional Third Wheel

Unwanted suitors? Not sure if you’re on a date? To nice to turn him down? I can help! With nearly four years of experience sabotaging romantic encounters, I’m the uncomfortable silence you deserve… and now, I’m offering my services professionally. 

Bring me along as a platonic bufferzone on unwanted or ambiguous dates with suitors you’re not interested in but don’t know how to turn down. Guaranteed to kill the mood or your money back!

Basic services include: Terrible puns, poorly-timed jokes, casual physical displays of affection, bringing up unappealing facts about you (to be established or fabricated ahead of time), including myself in attempts at cuddling, domineering the conversation, irritating laughter, talking about I may have finally found an apartment for rent that’s big enough to house all of your cats, subtly making remarks about how nice it is that you’ve made a new friend. 

More advanced services: Creating diversions (available at tiers 1, 2, and 3; examples include pouring water over my head, impromptu hula dancing, and  triggering alarms), intimate displays of physical affection, accidentally spilling drinks on your suitor’s clothing, laughing at everything your suitor says while drinking until I manage to time it so that water comes out of my nose and sprays onto them. 

 Package deals: 

  • The Gay Best Friend: What it sounds like. Because this persona runs the risk of stereotype and exploitation, I prefer to keep this subtle. Willing to engage in mild flirtation with your suitor. Please use discretion when requesting this service; the intention is to make him realize that your feelings towards him are platonic. Do not even consider this package if he is aggressively homophobic. 
  • The Imposing Older Brother: I scowl, smirk, and huff judgmentally. Comes in two flavors: the Violent Ex-Con and the Insufferable Elitist. Can flex my physical or intellectual muscles as needed. 
  • The Irritating Younger Brother: I bring a gaming device along, snicker rudely and roll my eyes whenever he speaks, complain about the time, chew with my mouth open, shrug indifferently, prop my sneakers on his chair, wipe my nose on my hand, and bluntly interrupt the conversation whenever it strays out of your comfort zone. 
  • The Priest: Why the heck would you bring your priest on a date?! I don’t know, and neither will your suitor! Obfuscate them into backing off. If that doesn’t work, I will recite dry Biblical passages until they are driven away by crushing boredom or fear of Hell. 
  • The Son from The Future: Depending on the age difference, I can also pose as your Son from the Current Era. Will dress in conspicuously unusual clothing (ex. holographic baseball cap, life preserver, roller skates, VISOR-like sunglasses), continuously ask for the date and time, and anxiously mutter about how it’s almost time for you to ditch this place and meet my father for the first time.
  • The Enslaved Zombie Ex-Boyfriend: I don milky, semi-opaque contact lenses and follow you around mindlessly, with jerky, unnatural movements. I am at your beck and call, controlled from beyond the grave by your occult powers - the fate of all the boyfriends who displease you.  
  • The Demon Prince: I wear a stylish fawn suit, soft kidskin gloves, and silver cuff-links etched with strange symbols. I have a ring or a cane decorated with the head of a ram. I say little, but smile often. Now and then, I pull out a little silver hourglass from a chain around my neck and examine it, tapping my foot, my fingers, or my cane impatiently. I adopt a curious and subtle accent and ask him to appraise his immortal soul. I carry a sleek briefcase rigged to emit a bright light if I crack it open a hair. Optional: I carry a cube of sulfur in my pocket for the smell.
  • The Mulder: A proven classic. I periodically derail the conversation with crackpot conspiracy theories, the nature of reality, extraterrestrial intelligence, and ESP. May accuse your suitor of being a Reptilian, or demand that they feel the scar where I had an alien implant removed. Insist that we change tables because this one is bugged and we are under surveillance by the secret shadow government.    
  • The Fiance You Thought Was Lost at Sea: I burst through the door, dripping wet, with barnacle-encrusted clothing and a crab dangling from my ear lobe. I’ll smell of brine and have a haunted look in my eye. This will require some acting skills from you; you’ll need to throw yourself sobbing into my arms and cry, “I thought I’d lost you!” and I’ll hold you and mutter something about Davy Jones getting ahead of himself.  
  • Other: I am happy to work with you to develop a persona specific to your unique needs and preferences. 

Rates: Sliding scale, determined by me on a case-by-case basis. I want to make my services available to all who need them. Factors such as the relative heinousness of suitor is considered; affluent clients can generally expect to pay more as likelihood of physical or spiritual harm increases. For swanky dates in nice locations with minimal levels of danger, I typically ask only that you cover the cost of my meal, entrance fees, transportation, and other expenses.

IMPORTANT:
Although I am prepared to deal with any number of eventualities, I am not a professional: bodyguard, assassin, exorcist, crocodile hunter, or escort. If you expect that any of these services will become necessary, I am happy to put you in touch with a specialist. ADDITIONALLY: If your suitor is non-human, please be upfront with this so that we can plan accordingly. We do not want a repeat of the events of Halloween 2012.

ADDENDUM 2014: I reserve the right to terminate our deal at any time. This is a exclusively a professional relationship, and any physical or romantic affection we may share may be considered performance and unrelated to my personal feelings.
ADDENDUM 2015: If you are trying to orchestrate a set-up because you get off on watching your significant other jealously beat the crap out of perceived rivals, fuck you. Vengeance will be swift.

im advancing to sectionals in impromptu and instead of practicing i made this. the quality is kind of garbage because i was having difficulty with the programs i was using but here take it

Part Two: The Watch

I LIVE. Welcome back to mediocre attempts at semi-longform fic, please don’t kill me. This is way too bad to have taken three and a half months wow.



2068 – ZÜRICH

“And you can’t work on it here?”

You rolled your eyes, but chuckled fondly, as Gabriel watched you pace back and forth across the room, packing. You threw a shirt at his head which he caught and threw back at you. Eventually, he pushed off from the doorway and walked over to you as you folded the aforementioned shirt. His arms wrapped around your midsection and he leaned in to press his face against yours, causing you to shy away from his kisses so you could focus on organizing your belongings.

“Our labs here are good, but the one in Iceland is more specially designed for this particular work.” You turned in his arms, tapping your finger to his nose. “And I’ll be able to avoid being underfoot that way.”

“You’re sure you couldn’t have picked one closer?”

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Imagine Hvitserk x Reader

Synopsis: Modern day: You and Hvitserk are hosting Thanksgiving for the family, but he has other ways of showing you how much he appreciates your cooking.

NSFW.

Word Count: 1312

(Author’s note: I promise even though it isn’t spoken, what happens is consented. Promise promise promise. Enjoy. I may or may not have pulled from a semi similar situation.)

~~~~~~~~

“Hvitserk! Don’t touch that ham!” You called from the bathroom as you finished touching up your make up. After washing your hands you headed back into the kitchen catching him mid bite. He looked at you with full cheeks and a half innocent smile. You couldn’t help but laugh at him, you knew he couldn’t stay away from food.

“Y/N I can’t help it. It’s all so delicious.” You laughed shaking your head as you began garnishing a few finished dishes. You grab your ham platter pleased with how it turned out. Your eyes fell upon the spot where he had taken a bit out. “I just had to try. It looked so juicy…and it was.” You felt your cheeks flush at his words knowing exactly what he was insinuating.

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{PART 1} A Perfect Fit // Min Yoongi

Originally posted by haru-haru10

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Summary: smalliemichelle99 said: Okay so can I request for a suga scenario  where he wants to propose to his girlfriend so he made a rap for her?? Can it be smut also?

A/N: This will be a 2 part series! Part 1 is fluff and Part 2 will be smut ;) I hope you enjoy! (I will upload Part 2 soon ^^)

ALSO YES I MADE YOONGIS RAP UP MYSELF I’M SO SORRY IF IT’S BAD I’M SO SORRY don’t yell at me

Read Part Two here~


Yoongi had been acting incredibly strange all day – never giving you straight answers and when he did decide to answer you properly, it seemed like his mind was somewhere else entirely.

“Why are we going to your studio? Seriously Yoongi you’re being so weird today” you protested as he practically dragged you along behind him. His studio was usually, extremely off limits to anyone who wasn’t directly involved in making or producing the tracks he worked on, so for him to be willingly leading you right to the door made you feel as if he had gone and lost his mind.

“Yah just be quiet! You’ll see when we get there” he whined back at you, trying his best to keep his emotions in check as you both reached the studio door. You watched him with confused eyes as he unlocked the door and swung it open before pushing you inside.

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CLARRIE’S LIST OF MUSES:  ( aka i should be banned from making tumblrs sue me. )

jean kirstein ( @deimpetueux ) -  active / main.

reiner braun ( @disscciative ) - active.

mike zacharius ( @cfdevotion ) - active upon request. 

sasha braus ( @bogenschutze ) - semi-active ( i don’t have many threads on her oops )

erwin smith ( @dcnchou ) - ??? ( depends bro depends. )

eren yeager ( @dashoffen ) - inactive / on permanent hiatus ( i made this acc for a friend who doesn’t need it anymore so… )

anonymous asked:

Kyo, there are tons of D&D shows out there! High Rollers, Critical Role, Dice Camera Action and of course The Adventure Zone. It'd be absurd for someone to say that you'd just be copying. As long as you have a semi unique plot, I don't think anyone would compare. If you think you'd like to do something like that one day, you should go for it. You don't have to have some sort of overarching plot that takes 6 years to complete, you could probably test the waters and do a one-shot campaign.

Thats really true, like Im tempted to do a short test one with some fans before thinking of a higher quality one to do with friends. i do love flexing them creative mucsles

Send in for a match up!

I’ve done this before for another anime, so I’m doing it here!
Don’t know what to say? Here’s a list!
-Height
-Star sign
-Main facial features (sharp eyes, rounded chin, green eyes, short wavy hair w/full bangs, etc.)
-How you dress (casual; semi baggy; I don’t really care to LOOK good, as long as I’m okay looking; etc.)
-One to three hobbies ( or more)
-What makes you feel loved by your partner(”I like physical touch”; “I enjoy kisses in public”, etc)
-How you show love to your partner (”I always look out for my lover”; “I care about their safety”; “I make food for those I love”, etc)
-How you act around others [nonpartner/friends]
-Something Unique about yourself AND/OR Something about yourself that you are Proud Of

Originally posted by aishitetsuro

anonymous asked:

I tried to find a photo of you on here and I couldn't? 😭 Are you uncomfortable with selfies? If so, how do you look like? ☺️

i really am uncomfortable with selfies on here.

that’s something i need to overcome in the future (soon, i promise)

but, i’m short (5'2 or 5'3), dark brown curly/kinky hair that forms into a semi afro if i don’t constantly straighten it, i have complete heterochromia eyes (one is hazel and the other is dark brown), i have gauges and both sides of my nose are pierced (hoops), i have tattoos, uhhhhh, i don’t know what else??

I’m finally done!! My exams are over!! Now I’m free like a bird!! Let the summer vacation begin!! And with that I will probably start writing like crazy because holy shit I got so many requests while I was on a semi-hiatus, I don’t really mind it but that’s what you get if you leave the ask box open 😂

I’m still doing that writing prompt thingy, so if you want you can still request something~

Originally posted by narika-a

super-important  semi-headcanon  note:

i  don’t  know  about  the  show  but  in  case  of  my  rebekah  you  need  to  be  on  a  sibling-like  level  of  her  trust  to  see  this  kind  of  smile  directed  towards  you.  or  you  need  to  be  the  enemy  whom  she’ll  slay  shortly.  but  first  she  needs  to  pretend  a  friendly  girl  next  door  for  whatever  reason.

Warning: Semi-Hiatus until 7 of July

[Out_of_Crimson:] I tried& you guys saw I tried hard to be active & manage my study but I fail. Finals are just killing me & I don’t have time to be active as I wanted. So I’ll just be semi-active due to FINALS. Everything ( aesthetics + replies) will be queued & ooc + ic interactions quite limited. I’ll probably send memes when I’m online but I’ll not see the dash often ( I mean scroll down as much as I did.) PLUSI’m not being that emotionally stable due to stress. Other reason for my half-activity is the fact that I’m tired of see immaturity. I see rping community getting selective and selective and selective. I see people who just absorb other rpers, people who are jealous about other people. So all of this factors combined gave birth to this semi-hiatus. I don’t know I don’t feel confidant enough to be here right now like I used to be. I usually am a cheerful girl who is happy with the others’s happiness, selfless & not centered in myself, who always prioritize writing & partners over other things & who also love to interact. But right now I can’t be happy by seeing the others happy, I can’t write without judging every single word I write & I feel like prioritize my real life over virtual one. Yeah, I know I see rping as a job maybe, a wonderful job that’s fun to do! I know I should change my perspective & that’s why I’m going in Semi-hiatus until the end of my exams. Ai will keep alive because I love her too deeply to just destroy what I created with so much love. It’s more than 3 years of love.