In my feelings...but fuck it

soo, I have this bipolarish(i know that not a word) love-hate relationship with the fact im n o t in a relationship. Like, you see the cute couples…you see the music videos …you see the movies…the pictures…the whatever and think “Wtf, why can’t that be me” Sometimes I think its karma because of how I use to be in my past, I would talk to multiple guys but thats only bc I knew my bf was doing the same thing. Evidence was clearly in my face I just choose not to speak up about it (Yea I was young and dumb, weren’t we all) So anyway, eventually I just started not to gaf and just get serious with one guy yet have some on the “side” or whatever. Now, I think thats coming to bite me in my ass..HARD. I’ve been single for a year going on two now and I’ve grown up, matured and learned from my misbehaviors when it comes to my relationship. I wasnt ready for a relationship after being cheated on so many times. My motto was in a relationship “act like a nigga” and I never got hurt. I was always able to dust the pain off and move on. Now, thats kind of hurt me in a since I only LOVED, truely LOVED once in my life…and thats the love that hurt me the most and caused me to act the way I did. Now it’s like I dont know how to love, the right way. I need to start fresh and find someone who will understand my story , why I did what I did and help me fix my heart because now its sliced into uncountable pieces. I believe that waiting this out was a good break time for me. Although I still talked to other guys I never made anything official, because I didnt feel it enough to start something new. Idk but this is ima just stop :X