self loathe

Take creators stepping in and dismissing fan theories and interpretations of their works with a grain of salt. This is a lesson I learned early, from Anne “my vampires aren’t gay and also I might sue you” Rice. 

During the peak of my Vampire Chronicles love, I – at that time, a very petty fifteen-year-old –  set out to underline every single really queer moment in the whole series. Spite aside, I quickly realized that in a series where the protagonist runs away to Paris with clearly his violinist boyfriend, and convinces his next super angsty obviously boyfriend to MAKE A VAMPIRE CHILD WITH HIM to keep said angsty boyfriend from leaving, this was easier said than done. 

I mean, she’s not fully wrong – Lestat’s not gay, he’s very bisexual. Louis and Nicki are both hella gay, though. 

Anyway, I’ve meandered. The point is – creators can say wildly inaccurate things about their works sometimes. Anne Rice went Christian and didn’t want her books to be SUPER FUCKING QUEER anymore. Creators’ views on what they’ve made can change over the years. You never fucking know. 

6 Steps in Learning to Love Yourself

1.See the good in your past. There will always be things that we wish had never happened; there will always be bad memories and things that we regret. But they are part of who you are – so accept that they have happened and celebrate the person they’ve allowed you to become.

2. Invest time in the things that bring you happiness. It’s important to identify the things that you enjoy, and that make you come alive, and are all a part of “you”. Spending time on those things will help to raise your self-esteem, as you’re valuing yourself when you pursue happiness.

3. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. We all make mistakes - and when we think of them we cringe. But that doesn’t make you any worse than other people. Just try and learn what you can, and then move on with your life.

4. Stop criticising yourself. So often we’re really our own worst enemy. We look for our flaws, and we put ourselves down – instead of being understanding of our own limitations. It’s time to change that behaviour – so start loving yourself.

5. Listen to your instincts and intuitions. If you want to love yourself, you must listen to yourself. Pay attention to those instincts and your instant gut reaction – and trust that you are right when you hear that inner voice.

6. Appreciate your life. Of course there are things that you wish that you could change. But some things are good, and are worth appreciating. So, focus on, appreciate, and make lots of your strengths.

Cupid dissolved into the wind.

Nico knelt and picked up the scepter. He regarded Jason, as if waiting for an attack. “If the others found out—”

“If the others found out,” Jason said, “you’d have that many more people to back you up, and to unleash the fury of the gods on anybody who gives you trouble.”

Nico scowled. Jason still felt the resentment and anger rippling off him.

“But it’s your call,” Jason added. “Your decision to share or not. I can only tell you—”

“I don’t feel that way anymore,” Nico muttered. “I mean…I gave up on Percy. I was young and impressionable, and I—I don’t…”

His voice cracked, and Jason could tell the guy was about to get teary-eyed. Whether Nico had really given up on Percy or not, Jason couldn’t imagine what it had been like for Nico all those years, keeping a secret that would’ve been unthinkable to share in the 1940s, denying who he was, feeling completely alone—even more isolated than other demigods.

"Nico,” he said gently, “I’ve seen a lot of brave things. But what you just did? That was maybe the bravest.
—  The House of Hades

Just imagine Lance confiding Hunk his fear of being useless, telling him how he feels like a fifth wheel, a burden, and Hunk putting his hands on Lance’s shoulders, squeezing hard, looking at him in the eyes and saying “listen, even if you were the fifth wheel, which you are not, you wouldn’t be useless. A fifth wheel is important, it’s the wheel you rely on when the others fail and can’t keep going anymore. It’s the wheel you know will always be there for you when you need it. It’s the wheel you trust, your ace up your sleeve” and Lance is a little choked up then and Hunk tugs him in a crushing hug and they just old each other for a while in silence.

HE

Enjolras: wow, the stars are beautiful tonight

Grantaire: yeah

Enjolras: you know who else is beautiful?

Grantaire: …France?

Enjolras: *blushing* you.

I wish that no one cared and moved on easily with their lives if I died but I know my death would affect people so I can’t be so selfish and take my own life so I wish that something would make me die already …

I want you to do something for me in 2017.

Maybe knock it off with the constant self-deprecation.  It’s become a pretty pervasive meme and it’s the worst one we have going because it’s just so insidious in how destructive it is.

It’s good to be realistic about yourself and the things you like and a little self-deprecation can be a funny way to keep yourself grounded, but if you make it a habit, all you’re doing is externalising the voice that says you’re not good enough, that you can’t do and achieve what you want.

Every time you say “I’m trash” or “I’m such a loser” or anything like that, it becomes a little less of a joke and is more just you saying it.  Instead, you should be positive about yourself.  Take some time to appreciate the good things about yourself, accept that you can do better where you fall short, and be earnest about the things and people you love.

I probably don’t know you, but you definitely deserve better than to be your own worst enemy.

wild world condensed
  • good grief: death and how confusing it is
  • the currents: donald trump sucks and so does the media
  • an act of kindness: regret and self loathing
  • warmth: how to recover from 2016
  • glory: oHMYGOD WHAT IS ThIs bLESSInG
  • power: an abusive relationship??? the media is shit????? who knows not me but i hope no one hurt dan
  • two evils: again, more self loathing but slightly more optimistic self loathing
  • send them off!: religion, demons and jealously?? insecurity??
  • lethargy: anxiety (particularly about dying)
  • four walls: the song about a convicted murderer
  • blame: two gangsters fighting??? thanks dan for this deep meaningful song
  • fake it: idk man i suppose it's about how shit the media is?? (again)
  • snakes: more anxiety, this time about life in 2016 in general
  • winter of our youth: MORE self loathing and nostalgia and anxiety
  • way beyond: the media, if u didn't already know, is SHIT
  • oil on water: sex, but empowering sex. u go girl, u have all the sex
  • campus: don't stay in school kids y'all are wasting your time it's a trap
  • shame: bad blood 2.0, otherwise known as, "u were my best friend and then u changed and ur horrible now" (also, hidden self loathing)
  • the anchor: so yeah conclusion i hate myself but ily
4

“You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you’re not. In fact, you’d probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you’re a selfish goddamn coward who just takes whatever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about who he hurts. That’s you. That’s BoJack Horseman.”

Boj doodles for practice/fun.

The 7th Wheel

(or in other words I gave up and wrote some langst. there’s some self-loathing, but nothing really worse than that, a bit of internalized biphobia)


It wasn’t as if he was unhappy. Not really. Sure, If he thinks of the blue expanse of ocean and its stinging salt air upon his face, his chest might tighten, air being drained from the lungs. But, every one was feeling homesick, right? And that lack of air that made his eyes water when the darkness in the castle was just too oppressive was a bummer, sure, but it didn’t define him. No, he wasn’t unhappy. Hunk was there, always there, and despite the fact he suspected Pidge didn’t really have many feelings, they were there too. The three idiot students from Earth who were in way over their heads, right?

(something in the back of his mind would remind him it’s only Lance who’s out of his element.)

I mean, sure, he misses home. He misses his family with their unrelenting enthusiasm that was always infectious - but hey, he was saving the universe, and that was pretty cool. Well, more than cool.

(When it wasn’t the most terrifying thing in existence, a part of him responded.)

Like, who else got to pilot a giant robot lion that turns into a bigger robot? I mean, that’s sci-fi shit, right? It was what his childhood dreams were made of - flying through stars, defeating bad guys, and all that other jazz. Right? He wasn’t unhappy. I mean, sure, it was a little intense. Sure, it was a lot intense. But in all his boyhood dreaming, he’s still seen things he never actually dreamed of - I mean, space mermaids. Fucking space mermaids. He’d almost laugh out loud if he really thought about it.

(best not Lance, he reminded himself; if you think then it becomes real.)

So, no, he’s not unhappy. He’s not like The Mullet, brooding and angsting around like he was a member of My Chemical Romance.

(don’t think about Keith.)

And yeah, Keith has reasons to be as miserable as he seemed, with the whole ‘part alien’ thing, and no family, and the whole ‘loner badass’ shtick, plus, it’s not like he isn’t cute when he’s brooding, because he is, and –

(stop.)

He remembers Keith’s smiling face and his heart ached, because as cute as Keith’s serious face, it could never compare to when Lance could actually make him laugh, and –

(STOP.)

it wasn’t like Keith liked him anyway. He was nothing comparatively. But that’s okay. Lance knows, really, he does. He knows how frustrating he can be, with his jokes and his flirtations, and his lack of talent, but… still. Blue chose him and it’s not like just anyone could pilot that particular lion, though if he thought about really hard the others probably could, they’re such great pilots hell even Hunk is a better pilot and he gets (got) spacesick like wow Lance what are you even doing here, how the hell do you think you could ever be like Shiro, have you seen yourself everyone pities you how the hell do you think Keith could ever like you back he probably doesn’t even like boys, because you know, he’s not a freak who can’t make up his mind what are you doing Lance what are you doing here, and why are you complaining about it I mean the others have real problems for fucks sake and you’re whining because he doesn’t like you back don’t you see how pathetic that is - Pidge lost her family, Shiro lost his friend, his arm, his old life, Allura and Coran lost their entire species and you can’t deal with homesickness and I mean you could get away with it if you had a thing but you don’t you don’t have one single thing going for you you know what they would be better off with a different pilot and you know that but–

“Are… are you okay?” The voice was the familiar stuttering of his emotionally stunted crush and Lance looked up, releasing his fists and looking in shock and the small red lines his nails left behind. “Uh…?” Lance shook his head remembering that he hadn’t yet given an answer.

“Oh, uh…yeah, dude, just thinking about this babe I met on mission, man, she was into me…” Keith scoffed, somewhat unconvinced but not willing to hear more.

“Sure. Whatever. Anyway, Shiro needs to talk to us.” Lance’s face fell as he realised Keith in no way volunteered to talk to him. “So… uh…I’ll just go.” Lance nodded shortly, flashing a smile.

“Catch you up, Mullet-head.” Keith glared at him as he turned to go. Lance balled his hands into fists again, and got up, eyes silently stinging.

But, it wasn’t like he was unhappy. Right?