self help crap


“We know a little about a lot of things; just enough to make us dangerous.”
“I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.”
“What do you wanna do, poke her with a stick? Dude! You’re not gonna poke her with a stick!”
“Wait, there’s no such thing as unicorns?”
“They were just doing their job.”
“No, they were doing our job, only they don’t know it so they suck at it.”
“It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”
“Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help yoga crap.”
“I hope your apple pie is freakin’ worth it!”
“I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.”
“I miss conversations that didn’t start with ‘this killer truck.’”
“People believe in Santa Claus. How come I’m not getting hooked up every Christmas?”
“What kind of a house doesn’t have salt? Low sodium freaks!”
“MySpace, what the hell is that? Seriously, is that like, some sort of porn site?”
“Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we’re gay?”
“___, this is a very serious investigation. We don’t have any time for any of your blah blah blah blah.”
“I lost my shoe.”
“I’m Batman!”
“Snow White? I saw that movie. The porn version anyway. There was this wicked Stepmother. Woo, she was wicked.”
“You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.”
“You fudgin’ touch me again, I’ll fudgin’ kill ya!”
“These tacos taste funny to you?”
“I shot the sheriff.”
“On Thursdays, we’re teddy bear doctors.”
“The whistle makes me their god.”
“Last time you zapped me someplace, I didn’t poop for a week.”
“Check it out. Four score and seven years ago … I had a funny hat.”
“Calm down?? I am wearing sunglasses at night! You know who does that? No-talent douchebags!”
“I found a liquor store. And I drank it.”