self

My constant chatter,
My non stop laughter,
My loud talks,
My anxiety,
My midnight depression,
My premenstrual syndrome,
My fear of water,
My love for heights,
My overthinking,
The nervous smile on my face,
My dreams, My bucket list,
My tears,
The sadness that overwhelms me,
My solace in simple things,
Love not just me,
But what makes me ME !!

It’s officially been a year since I last shaved. I’ve been shaving since middle school, so when I first started growing out my hair, I thought the hairs on my armpit were cute… and then they kept growing until they were 2 inches long 😶 I’m fine with them now, but it’s so weird that I never knew how long they would get because I’ve been so ashamed of them since I was a kid.

Boltzmann Brain.

Boltzmann brain is a hypothesized self aware entity which arises due to random fluctuations out of a state of chaos. The idea is named for the physicist Ludwig Boltzmann, who advanced an idea that the Universe is observed to be in a highly improbable non-equilibrium state because only when such states randomly occur can brains exist to be aware of the Universe. The Boltzmann brains concept is often stated as a physical paradox. The paradox states that if one considers the probability of our current situation as self-aware entities embedded in an organized environment, versus the probability of stand-alone self-aware entities existing in a featureless thermodynamic “soup”, then the latter should be vastly more probable than the former.

The Boltzmann brains concept has been proposed as an explanation for why we observe such a large degree of organization in the Universe (a question more conventionally addressed in discussions of entropy in cosmology). Boltzmann proposed that we and our observed low-entropy world are a random fluctuation in a higher-entropy universe. Even in a near-equilibrium state, there will be stochastic fluctuations in the level of entropy. The most common fluctuations will be relatively small, resulting in only small amounts of organization, while larger fluctuations and their resulting greater levels of organization will be comparatively more rare. Large fluctuations would be almost inconceivably rare, but are made possible by the enormous size of the Universe and by the idea that if we are the results of a fluctuation, there is a “selection bias”: we observe this very unlikely Universe because the unlikely conditions are necessary for us to be here, an expression of the anthropic principle. If our current level of organization, having many self-aware entities, is a result of a random fluctuation, it is much less likely than a level of organization which only creates stand-alone self-aware entities. For every universe with the level of organization we see, there should be an enormous number of lone Boltzmann brains floating around in unorganized environments. In an infinite universe, the number of self-aware brains that spontaneously and randomly form out of the chaos, complete with false memories of a life like ours, should vastly outnumber the real brains evolved from an inconceivably rare local fluctuation the size of the observable Universe.The Boltzmann brain paradox is that any observers (self-aware brains with memories like we have, which includes our brains) are therefore far more likely to be Boltzmann brains than evolved brains. 

2

10 Things To Tell The Girl I Never Was:

1. You are a hurricane of mismatched puzzle pieces
Most days you don’t even make sense to yourself
Your lips were put on backwards
And your voice box put in your throat upside down.
It’s okay.
Someday you’ll be a picture you can be proud of 
Someday you’ll look in the mirror and see a man instead of a mistake.

2. You are a roadway with broken stop signs
You are growing too fast for your own comfort
Collecting flowers from your concrete cracks 
To make a bouquet of self hatred 
Like the one you thought you’d have to throw on your wedding day.

3. Our lungs are like a pack of cigarettes, always wheezing out addictions.
Use them.
Be addicted to the trees 
Be addicted to being kind
Be addicted to love
To art
Earth
Flowers
Laughter
Forgiveness
To music
To adventure
To adrenaline
But most of all, be addicted to breathing.
I know its hard sometimes to take in the oxygen you deserve,
But you deserve life
So give it to yourself.

4. You are not alone.
You are not the only one that feels as though your bones are caging you into a skin that binds a bird with broken wings
You are not broken
Or wrong
Or weird
5. Cut your hair.
Your mother wont be mad,
and your friends will still love you
Even when they say “But it made you so pretty!”

6. You are not pretty, you are handsome.

7. Show the world your heart.
Even if its been stepped on
Or bruised
Or torn up 
Even if it doesn’t look so pretty anymore 
Wear it around your neck like a medal saying
“I made it.”

8. There will come a time when you won’t feel so heavy
The world will be a beautiful place,
and things will be different because

9. Change is the only consistent thing in this world. 
This is not permanent 
You will not be sad forever.
Someday you won’t avoid mirrors and 
You will feel pride growing inside your chest like a dying star every time someone says your name.
You will be cosmic.
You will someday wake up smiling
You will someday wake up.
I promise,
You will still be alive.
It feels like the end of the world 
And it’s true. 
The world you know is ending
And you are beginning.

10. Someday, 
You won’t feel so mismatched.

lm.facebook.com
This past week I was in jail, and sad to say, a woman died in my cell...

When I was in jail, a woman came into booking (I watched this as I was sitting in intake on my 5th day)- she was nodding out so bad that she would basically be falling out of her chair. No one helped her. After a few hours pass, the Corporal throws her into mine and my inmate’s pod with out a blanket for at least a few hours. The woman just lied down on her mat and passed out. When she finally did come in to give her a blanket, she just tossed it on top of her. and I respond “should I cover her up?” and the corporal responds to me with this rude and unacceptable tone, “uh if you want.. oh and like, make sure she doesn’t fall over,” and she walks out. Like, excuse me but I’m not allowed touch other inmates along with that not being my job. I covered the woman with the blanket, because that intake room was unbelievably cold, at least 65 degrees. Hours pass and no one comes to check up on her, not even once. a few hours pass (the woman was in the same spot she fell asleep in) and it was breakfast.. corporal came back to wake us up, and she finally decided to go to the woman, who was now completely unresponsive.. and the woman was dead. I don’t want to go into details about how the woman looked, but she was dead for a least several hours due to her skin being blue/black. Now, the corporal yells “are you fucking kidding me” and then runs to call emt’s and I believe the lieutenant.
This could have been completely prevented if they would have sent her to get checked out by a doctor when she first came in, and even if they would have bothered to check up on her throughout the night. but no. anyone who came in there on drugs or whatever, they just automatically treat them like garbage. and due to gross negligence, a 52 year old woman OD’d and had to die in jail. I blessings go to her family, and I hope I can find her family to contact them and let them know what happened. She did not deserve that.
her name was Beverly Pool. from Parker. AZ. it happened in La Paz County Jail. The corporal’s name was Ms. Williams.

I need 1,000 signatures to take this to the governor and then to make it to the news. Please sign this because it goes to show that officers abuse their power and could care less about their inmates. Inmates are not animals, I do believe there are exceptions (rapist, molesters, etc) but for someone who OD’d at that age with no help from an officer than should have, it’s appalling.