who you should fight: Seirin edition
which KnB characters are you going to fight? [GoM]
so you’re itching for a fight and you’ve decided that you want to rumble with some high school athletes. well, the Seirin basketball team is as good a place to start as any. here’s who you should and shouldn’t be trying to tussle with:
who wins: Kagami (unless you are a werewolf)
Kagami’s known weaknesses are dogs, food, and tough kanji. aside from those things, he’s pretty much invincible. also, he’s always ready to fight. he would be squaring up with you before you had time to finish rolling up your sleeves. the only people to put a dent in Kagami in the entire series are Kuroko, Riko, and Kagami himself. that’s a formidable trio, and it’s worth noting that Kagami never stays down for long. he’s back on his feet and ready to go again in no time at all. do not fight Kagami Taiga unless you are a Japanese teacher who is also a werewolf, and can therefore defeat him with both complex kanji and being a literal dog.
who wins: you, but at what cost?
Kuroko’s mostly weak, but be careful, if he lands a hit he could seriously damage you. have you seen him punch the basketball across the court and call it a pass? goddamn, you could get seriously injured if he tried that out on your squishy bits. also, and this is important, do you have the moral high ground in this fight? make sure you do beforehand, because if not, you’ve just gained yourself a nemesis. he’s a fucking stubborn little bugger and he won’t let the injustice of your victory continue. this is the boy who took down the GoM just to prove a point. he’s patient. he will wait. only choose to fight Kuroko if you don’t fear retribution.
who wins: does it matter
we both know you’re going to go ahead and fight Hyuuga anyways, so we might as well give up on speculating over who’s going to win this thing. have you seen the guy? he’s dying for some way to relieve all of the pressure of being captain of a team as ridiculously reckless as Seirin. he needs this fight just as much as you do, it’ll be cathartic. please take one for the team (ha) and fight Hyuuga. it’ll do you both some good, you battle-crazed maniac. hell, you might even part on good terms.
who wins: what are you doing?
why?? are you trying to fight Kiyoshi???? is your name Hanamiya Makoto? because if it’s not, I’m not sure why you’re even reading this. Kiyoshi Teppei has done nothing wrong and there is no situation in which you should be trying to fight him. stop this nonsense at once. go home, take a nap, or call Hyuuga instead. honestly, what the fuck. even ignoring the fact that there’s no reason for you to be fighting him, you should be afraid of him. he has no sense of self-preservation and his hands are very strong. he could probably do that thing where he puts his hand on your head and holds you away from himself, leaving your fists swinging through empty air and you looking like a fool. do not fight Kiyoshi.
who wins: Riko
you’re gonna fucking lose this one. Aida Riko does not fear death and she certainly does not fear you. prepare to be annihilated, you poor bastard.
who wins: you
Izuki is long overdue for a good smackdown, and you’re the perfect person to give it to him. all those puns at inappropriate times??? how has this been allowed to continue for so long??? well, no longer, because today is the day that someone puts a stop to them. you have to fight Izuki. he probably even deserves it. his eagle eye isn’t going to do shit for him when you’re right there up in his face and swinging, so don’t worry about it. just take him down. you can win this one, I believe in you.
Koganei Shinji and Mitobe Rinnosuke
who wins: they do
okay, so they have a two to one advantage on you, but if you really want to you can give it a shot. I mean, it’s impossible to fight them separately, so you’ll just have to do your best. oh, who am I kidding, Koganei would trip you while you were preoccupied with Mitobe and then they’d probably take you out for ice cream. the actual fighting will be totally unsatisfying. none of you will have any fun, so don’t fight Koganei and Mitobe, just skip right to the inevitable friendship instead.
who wins: Tsuchida
Tsuchida Satoshi is an enigma, a non-entity, some may even say he’s sort of like a cryptid. Kuroko Tetsuya who? Tsuchida is where the REAL mystery is at. what do we know about him? not much, which makes him incredibly unpredictable and dangerous. one of the few truths we know about Seirin’s legendary back-up power forward is that he’s the only KnB character with a girlfriend - clearly he knows something none of the other characters do. Physically, he’s fairly average - the only true weapons he has in his arsenal are his natural aura of side character mystery and the power of love, but they should be more than enough to take you down. fight Tsuchida, I dare you. we’ll see who’s just a side character after he’s through with you.
who wins: you
go ahead and fight Furihata, you’re definitely going to win the first round. he’s not especially strong and if you challenge him confidently enough he’ll definitely think you know what you’re doing, so you already have an advantage over him. it’s important to note, however, that (like Kuroko) he’s a tenacious little bastard and he’ll definitely pick himself right back up and prepare for round two. you can win and keep winning, but no matter how scared he is and despite his naturally cautious nature, he can’t seem to turn down a challenge, so over time he’s definitely going to improve until one day he’ll be the one inviting you to meet him behind the gym to throw down because you’ve created a monster and he won’t stop until he’s proven himself to you. fight Furihata and you’ll have a regular sparring partner for the rest of the year.
who wins: you, but why are you doing this
he’s a good kid, you really shouldn’t be fighting him in the first place. shit, dude, his motto is “purely and honestly”, is that really the kind of guy you think deserves to be fought? is Kawahara Kouichi, a simple oden and jigsaw puzzle enthusiast, the kind of person you want to meet in an abandoned parking lot at midnight? no, you’re not allowed to fight him, pick someone else off the list to duel with.
who wins: probably Fukuda
it’s my personal belief that Fukuda is the character from Seirin most likely to be a vigilante in his spare time, so, when you get your ass kicked, don’t come crying to me about it. I’m warning you right now: he has two older brothers, so he already knows every dirty trick in the book AND he’s got a lot of passion for helping out those in need, so I’d bet anything that he’s been in a scrap or two before. it might be close, he’s not really that much stronger than Furihata, but he’s the biggest and heaviest out of the normal first year trio and he’ll definitely be the most challenging to defeat. only fight him if you’ve fought Furihata and Kawahara first, and please know that I’m only saying this because how cool would it be to complete the set? (so cool)
who wins: me
I’ll kick your fucking ass if you try to fight this dog. I’ll fight Kuroko for the right to kick your ass, I don’t give a fuck. if you even think about touching this dog with the intention of doing anything other than petting him, be prepared for me to physically manifest in your house and start kicking your ass. do not fight Nigou under any circumstances.
bonus: Aida Kagetora
who wins: you
there’s no ifs, ands, or buts about this: you HAVE to win this one. sure, he may be an adult and all that, but this man needs to be fought and you’re the one who needs to do it. lose the first round? get right back in there, champ, this ain’t over till it’s over. if you decide you want to fight him, you’re not allowed to stop until you’ve come out on top. I recommend doing this is a pro wrestling-style venue so you can climb up onto the ropes and take him down from above. just imagine how satisfying that would be. fight Aida Kagetora - you gotta.