seeki

i can’t tell if i’ve just been exceptionally dumb with everything i’ve been saying in the last couple of days because my anxiety is making me unable to function like a normal human being, or if my brain is just making me feel that the totally normal things i’ve been saying are dumb.

either way i have booked in with my doctor to talk about going back on medication, which i am being open about because i think it’s…necessary to be? idk i feel a little attention seeky at the same time, which just compounds the anxiety and feeling that i shouldn’t talk about the details

but also i think that if i’ve mentioned i’m having a shit time, it’s a positive step for me to talk about how i’m dealing with it?

i am struggling with some pretty difficult anxiety and obsessive thoughts at the moment, which is more demoralising because i have not dealt with these issues on this level in some years thanks to a combination of therapy and earlier medication. i also suffer from something called trichotillomania, which basically means that i pull my hair out strand by strand, and is something that gets a lot worse when i’m stressed and anxious.

i’m fond of my hair and i’m fond of not raking myself over the coals for every word that comes out of my mouth and i’m fond of not having the same obsessive thoughts and fears repeat themselves over and over. right now the off switch on my brain isn’t working anymore. so i’m going to get some help to deal with that, medically, and give myself a rest from my brain.

i’ve talked before about being kind to yourself not only when you’re trying to move forward, but when you plateau or when you backslide as well. i am experiencing a bit of backsliding at the moment, but i have gotten better before, and i will get better this time. i just need a little extra help and support to do it, and am lucky enough to be in a position where that’s possible for me to get.