suicidal || alex standall
prompt: You should do an Alex imagine where his gf is on one of the tapes and is suicdal. + Can you do an Alex imagine with suicidal reader + Can you do a Alex imagine where you guys are really close and you are on the tapes and you become super distant and suicidal
warnings: suicidal!reader, swearing, reader is on the tapes
a/n: this took a while to post bc i had to think of a reason to why the reader is on the tapes. italics mean hannah speaking , and as always feedback is appreciated and requests are open ALSO reader is tape number 14 and lets pretend clay recorded bryce’s confession on something else.
Girls will be girls and boys will be boys they say. But sometimes their actions can affect lives. They affected mine, see I went through some dark times and when I needed you most, you backed out. Why did you leave when i needed you most? But hey, girls will be girls right? This one’s for you Y/N Y/L/N.
You were lying in bed, listening to tape Hannah speak, while you felt your heart sink. After sitting through a long night, listening to each tape, you finally got to yours. You never knew you were one of these reasons Hannah killed herself until you walked home from school one day and saw a horribly wrapped package addressed to you. You had used a walkman your parents had to listen to the numbered tapes. And hearing Hannah speak and introduce the tapes, you couldn’t believe you were one of the reasons.
You and Alex Standall were dating so once you go to his tape, you couldn’t believe what Hannah was saying, but you carried on, and listened to each heartbreaking tape. So once you got the last tape you knew it was about you.
You see Y/N, even though you are my 14th tape, Mr Porter is still my last reason. You were such a nice person, you became my friend after Alex and Jess left. But after my reputation had changed for the worse and I was ‘Hannah The Slut’ you started hanging out with me less. You still always gave me a smile when we passed in the halls but you never stopped to ask how I was or anything really. Were you ashamed to hang out with me? Was I a burden to you?
At this point you were in tears, your nose was stuffed and your eyes were red and puffy. “I’m so sorry Hannah, I didn’t mean to leave you.” You spoke, turning to your side on your bed. You had your headphones in so you didn’t hear your door open. You felt arms wrap around your crying figure. You removed one earbud and turned to face your hugger. “It’s okay Y/N.” Alex spoke and kissed your forehead. You turn to face Alex, your head in his chest “I didn’t mean to hurt Hannah.” You spoke into his chest, your tears staining his shirt, but Alex didn’t mind. He hated seeing like this.
Alex moved to stop the tape and move the god damn thing away from you, since you already finished your tape. “It’s okay Y/N.” Alex said once again, and you calmed down and slowed your breathing, listening to Alex’s heartbeat. Then the two of you fell asleep.
Since you were the last person to receive the tapes, you held on to them. Even though they caused you emotional pain, it was the only thing you had left from Hannah. You kept the shoebox under your bed, and rarely touched it. You carried on with your life as per usual. You started to notice how everyone who was on the tapes looked more stressed and freaked. They knew what you had done and you know what they did. But you and Alex were still happy, and that’s what matters. But after a week since listening to the tapes, you’ve had a total shift of behavior.
You had been more tired that usual, you ate less, rarely spoke and would get agitated easily. Alex noticed your shift in behavior, but thought it wouldn’t be a big deal. But then your behavior continued for 2 months. Then one day you weren’t at school. Alex had started freaking out, but you sat at home, emotionally drained. Why am I still alive? This question would echo in your mind. Why were you still alive? You had contributed to make a girl commit suicide and she was your friend.
You hated yourself and the guilt was eating you alive. “I shouldn’t have left her.” You mumble to yourself. Your whole body felt sore and weak, you’ve been eating less, your face was a sickly color and bags formed under your eyes. Alex went straight to your house that afternoon, panic was rushing through him. “Hey Ms. Y/L/N, is Y/N home?” Alex asked your mom who opened the door and greeted him. “She’s in her room. Alex, do you know why she’s been acting so strangely? She’s not acting like the Y/N we know.” Your mom spoke, her voice quiet. Alex shook his head, knowing better than to let his girlfriend’s mom know about the tapes.
She gave Alex a smile and let him in, the platinum blonde hair boy rushing to your room. He found you laying in bed and staring at your ceiling. “Why am I still alive Alex?” You asked, your voice calm and soft. “Y/N, no, please don’t think like that.” Alex spoke, immediately sitting next to you and pulling you close to him. “But it’s true Alex, I killed Hannah Baker.” You cried softly. “We all did, but you shouldn’t take your life because it. Hannah’s death affected a bunch of people and yours would too. Please don’t do it.” You laid your forehead on Alex’s shoulder, tears falling from your eyes.
“It’s hard, the guilt is eating me alive.” You said. Alex cupped your face and made you look at him, “It’s okay, we’ll get through this. I’ll help you.” He kissed your forehead. “Thank you, I love you.” You spoke, and Alex gave you a smile, “I love you too.”
damn this was rlly long and im not too proud of it but i posted so :)) ALSO this is such a serious topic like please if you ever feel suicidal get help or even call a hotline, its better to get help then go through it alone