The I Don’t Wanna Live Forever music video gave me some inspiration to write a fanfic. Even though I’m a bit prude I really like the video. I didn’t like the first movie (Fifty Shades Of Grey) so I was a bit nervous over the song and even more over the video, but I think they made it really hot, but at the same time very honest. After watching it around ten times and texting my friends like crazy I started to think about my favorite of all Taylor’s exes, Adam. How he feels about this, not because Taylor should care, but I really like him so it was just a thought that popped up in my head. I started typing in my thoughts as a text, but realized I could do so much more with it. So here you go, hope y'all like it.
That day started out pretty chill. I drove to my gym and filmed a few videos to my snapchat story. It was a bit cold outside, or that will say if we’re talking about the normal California temperature. Nothing I couldn’t handle thought, I mean I’m from Scotland, it’s pretty windy, rainy and cold there.
When I was done with the training I headed back to my place, but I had no idea at this point that this day would destroy me.
26th January, today our music video would go up on the internet. I looked forward to it a lot, but to be honest, I was also a bit scared. Afraid that people would hate me because of the whole “it’s with your best friends boyfriend” thing. A few years ago I never thought I would do anything like this. I remember the time Zayn wrote mean stuff about me on twitter and how Adam stood up for me in front of the whole world. That was the moment I knew Adam was the one. Ugh Taylor why do you even think about this today, I said out loud to myself. Why do I think about the fight, why do I think about Adam? He wasn’t the man I hoped he would be. He was all sweet and romantic in the start, but then at one point it was like he just changed. I heard from one of my friends that he was so sad when Little Big Town said that I was the one who had written their song Better Man. Because that was the moment he knew I had written it about him. We decided to keep in touch and be friends, but for some reason it’s so much harder than it is with Joe. Maybe I just have to give it a little time, but on the other hand I can’t help wondering if he’s the one I should marry and have kids with. I remember how much I wanted that once.
My thoughts were interrupted by a phone call, the screen light up “Mother <3”. I picked up the phone and took a deep breath before I answered. “Hello honey” I heard my mama say with a calm voice. “Hey you” I answered. “Honey, what’s wrong? Is it the video, because if it is just call if off” I heard from the other side of the phone. “It’s not the video mom, it’s..it’s…it’s nothing, okay?” I said, although I knew she wouldn’t let it go before I told her the truth. “Darling, remember how it always end when you don’t tell me the truth. This is your big day, so be honest with me”. It all sounded so wrong “Mom, it’s not like I’m getting married. It’s just a music video and if you have to know I’m just…eh…thinking about Adam”. It immediately became quiet. “Oh Taylor” was all she said. “I know it’s stupid…….I just can’t help it. I really have to go, can I call you back in a hour or so?” I asked when tears started streaming down from my face. “Of course, I’ll talk to you later. I love you”. She hadn’t notice my tears, and if she did she wouldn’t hang up so I quickly said “I love you too” and hung up the phone.
Did I still have feelings for him, did I still love him? Why am I doing this when I know he don’t care. I only was in his way and he’s probably happy that I’m gone. So why can’t I feel the same?
I felt stuck, like I didn’t have anything to write about. Like all the sounds were worthless so I decided to start a live stream on my instagram because that usually gets me in a better mood. I had to end the first one so I started another and I talked with my fans for awhile. A lot of the people who were watching had names like "Lovinghimwasred” or “itsalovestorybabyjustsayyes” and a picture of Taylor. It hurt me a bit to see that all the time, because I can’t help thinking that maybe we should have end up together. Maybe she’s the one. But I try to stop think about it, because I know she doesn’t love me, she wrote that in her song Better Man. “We might still be in love, if you were a better man”. Her feelings were gone so why weren’t mine? I see that a lot of the accounts with Taylor’s face wrote IDWLF and something about how they were so excited and asked if I were okay. I didn’t get it at first, until one person asked “Calvin, do you look forward to see Taylor’s new music video?” That was it, she was releasing her music video for the Fifty Shades Darker. That song she recorded together with Zayn, ugh I never really liked him, but I remember our fight over Taylor and how he pressed her down and I stood up for her. That was the first time Taylor told me she wanted to marry me. I said I wanted to marry her too, but wait a bit. She told me she wanted to wait too, but maybe if I had asked her that night, just maybe she still would’ve been mine.
I thought of Taylor all day long, and to be honest she helped me get some inspiration for a new song. This one is probably the most honest song I’ve ever written. It’s about a person who can’t forget about his one true love, just like the way I can’t forget about Taylor.
I took up my phone and clicked on Instagram. I searched for her name, “Ta” was all I had to write in to find her name and face on my screen. I clicked on her profile and then on her last thing, that was a video.The caption said “Video tomorrow night midnight est #idontwannaliveforever #fiftyshadesdarker” and when I turned on the sound and looked at the video it was a clip from the music video and Taylor looked hot. I looked at when she had post it and it was yesterday, I then looked at my screens clock and realized that the it already was 8pm. The video would be out in one hour. I decided to go and cook some food.
The video would be out in two minutes and I sat on my couch, super nervous. Taylor and I watched the first movie together, I didn’t really like it, but she thought it was hot. I was now kind of scared, because I had no idea of how much she would show off in this video and the worst thing was that my opinion didn’t matter. Taylor could do exactly what she wanted to do and I couldn’t say that I wanted to be the only one to see that much of her. I couldn’t say that I was the luckiest man in the world because of her, I couldn’t do anything. 9pm. I put on my television and clicked on youtube. Searched for the video and there it was. I clicked on it and immediately I regret my decision. Zayn stepped out of a car and when he started to sing I felt the words burning against me “Been sitting eyes wide open behind these four walls, hoping you’d call”, did she want me to call her? “And I don’t wanna fit wherever. I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home” Did she want me in her life? I knew she had written this song. And then Taylor was on the screen. She looks so sad and even though it’s just for the music video, I couldn’t help thinking maybe this really is a big problem for her. Her hair is longer, but otherwise she looks pretty much the same. She looked like my Taylor.
WOW. I so wasn’t expect that, was the first thought that came to me when Taylor starts singing “I’ve been looking sad in all the nicest places” and then when she lays down on the bed I got an even bigger lump in the stomach. I though I was the only one who would see that side of her. The video ended and I sat there with tears in my eyes. I’m not the kind of guy that cries, but after seeing this video I felt a tear fall down from my cheek, because I realized Taylor isn’t mine anymore. That I’ve lost the best thing I’ve ever had and that I can’t get it back. I took up my phone and wrote in her name. I click at the contact that now is named “Taylor” but before was named “The One”. I start typing, but I don’t really know what I wanna say. I just feel like saying something.
I was sitting there with Zayn, Gigi and some other friends and when we had watched the whole video our friends said stuff like “omg it’s so good”. Gigi hugged Zayn and started kissing him. If I didn’t knew them I would probably say get a room, but I was happy for them. Because they were in love, like Adam and I were once. Now I’ve just released a song about how I still love him and I hope he doesn’t hate me for it. I picked up my phone and pressed text messages. I wrote “Adam” this time instead of “The Love Of My Life <3” like I had typed in the time we were together. When I clicked on his name I saw three dots. He’s writing to me. He had probably seen the video. He still remember me. From nowhere those dots disappeared and my eyes started tearing up. I excused myself from the room and went up to the bathroom that belongs to my bedroom. I sat there and stared down at my phone as I was waiting for the dots to show up again, but they never did. The tears fell down from my cheeks. This was it, I had lost the love of my life.
I literally have a tear in my eye watching this video. To see that Liam is in it and they still come together to be with their puppy and Liam and Danielle and keeping in touch!!! I’m starting to accept Sophia but I still love Danielle! And I obviously love Loki!!!