seducing spirits

Mark Me Down as Scared and Horny

Context: My character has a powerful necklace that they keep hidden under their shirt and several scarves. I’d tell you what it does, but my party members might read this. It was warm and muggy one day and everyone began shedding their outer layers (except for the orc brawler, who is only ever wearing pants). I take off two of my three scarves, but leave the last.

Dwarf (NPC): This might seem like a weird question, but… Why are you always wearing those scarves?

Me: I just like scarves.

Me: *total bluff check = 23*

Dwarf: That’s alright. I just don’t want you to overheat.

Orc: Yeah. You’re going to roast.

Me: Perhaps.

Orc: You’re okay with that? Is your scarf obsession really worth it?

Me: I’m sentimental.

Orc: Seriously, what the fuck.

Elf: Just leave him alone! He’s a sensitive young man!

Orc (heavy sarcasm): Well, excuse me if I don’t shed a tear.

Elf: Besides, even if it is something, we’re all allowed to have secrets.

Me (ooc): He gives you a thankful smile.

DM: Which begs the question: What is he hiding from you?

Orc (whispering to the Elf): I just don’t trust him! There’s something sketchy about him.

*everyone succeeds their perception of that exchange but me*

Me (accidentally interrupting): Look. You have every right to travel in the nude, but some of us value our modesty.

Orc (ooc): I want to roll to intimidate.

DM: The massive half orc takes a step towards you and glares down.

Elf (ooc): With his muscular bare chest. Naked by your standards. Nipples fully erect.

*everyone at the table loses it*

Me (ooc): You know what? I’m not even going to roll. I’m intimidated.

DM: He almost makes you question your sexuality.

Sis (ooc): ROLL TO SEDUCE.

Me (ooc): LENA, NO.

Orc: *actually fucking rolls = 15*

DM: You’re not sure if you’re scared or aroused.

Like 3 people in unison: Both.

So I’m typically a player however I’m an aspiring author and decided to give GMing a chance. It should be noted that my players are incredibly experienced players who I have played with for 2+ years. I start them in a small tavern and everything progresses quite well and they are on their way to fight a lich (their characters are all 18+ at this point and I nerfed the lich just a bit). A few critical fails on their parts and critical hits on the liches part later and they are at an almost total party wipe leaving only the bard and the fighter left standing out of five people. And this proceeds to happen…

Female bard: can i seduce him

DM(me deciding to humor her): You can certainly try

Female bard: hey (picking up one of the various bones littering the floor) if you stop trying to kill us I have something you can “bone”

DM (face palming): sure make your role

Female bard: *Nat 20*

DM: The lich is so moved by your pick up line he decided to marry you instead of killing you

Fighter: can I be the maid of honor?

Legendary Creatures [B]

From Wikipedia, See the Full Alphabet HERE

Highlights from the 1st session of my D&D campaign

(during character creation)
Mum: I’m Trump-Tinyhands, a famous half-orc ballerina.

(while trying to enter a cursed church) D
M: You (pixie character) enter the church, however, the second you enter you get distracted by a bright light, which you then fly towards blindly and continue to fly into it.
Dylan, our Pixie: IT’S SO BRIGHT AND SHINY

(in a bar)
Trump-Tinyhands: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Me want drink! Drink! Drink!
Dylan: Erm yes I think we might need a few more dozen pints for our friend over here, he’s not drunk enough.

(still in the bar)
M'riqa, our Khajiit thief, talking to the barmaid: Hey, I’ve seen many pussies in my time, but if I pet you right will your purr?
Barmaid: I will beat the shit out of you if you talk to me like that again.
M'riqa: *sprints right out of the bar*
Dylan: Damnit, come back here!

(going back to the cursed church)
DM: Maybe Dylan should stop trying to enter the church. He’s a Loki-worshipper and this is the Church of The God of Mild Frostbite and That Very Annoying Feeling You Get After You Warm Your Hands Up After Being In The Cold That Makes Your Fingers Feel Like They’re Burning
Trump-Tinyhands OOC: If that’s the God’s name, I can’t imagine just how long the sermons are.

(M'riqa spotted something pretty in the church and wants to steal it)
M'riqa: I enter the church!
DM: You try to enter the church, but it appears that you cannot. The curse on the church does not know what to do with you, so it simply becomes an invisible wall.
Trump-Tinyhands: I think something’s going on with this church.
Dylan: *sarcastically* I never would have thought of that!

(40 minutes into figuring out the church)
M'riqa OOC: Does anybody have Detect Magic?
Dylan OOC: Hell yeah I do!
M'riqa OOC: Then go do it you winged bastard.
Dylan: I cast Detect Magic on the church doorway.
M'riqa OOC: 40 fucking minutes. 40 FUCKING MINUTES WE’VE SPENT ON THIS FUCKING CHURCH CURSE ONLY NOW TO FIND THAT THE BLOODY PIXIE HAD THE KEY TO THE WHOLE DAMN THING
DM: You cast Detect Magic on the doorway. It seems that only followers of the God of Mild Fristbite and all that stuff can pass through the doorway.
Dylan: I can’t, I’m Loki’s priest.
Half-orc: What’s a priest? (too stupid to know what a god is)
Dylan: It’s down to you, M'riqa.
M'riqa: … I may or may not have sold my soul and devoted my life to Nocturnal. Is that a problem?

(later)
M'riqa: Nocturnal, may I stray from your path for a moment while I infiltrate this church?
DM: You poke yourself in the eye. That’s a no.
M'riqa: Please? Come on, I’ll steal something to add to the glory of the Guild!
DM: You sock yourself right in the nose. You are bleeding.
M'riqa: Pretty please?? I’ll serve you in the afterlife for twice as long!
DM: You stamp on your own foot.
M'riqa: Before I go any further, if I ask one more time, will I or will I not keep my tail?
DM: Nocturnal remains smugly silent.
M'riqa: If someone had told me that this is the sort of thing that happens when you give yourself to a god, then I may have reconsidered my choice.

 We were investigating a unknown and powerful source of wild magic in a Library, that was causing all other kinds of magic to run amok. This was unfortunate, as I play a Wizard named Theia

Theia: I cast Grease

DM: Okay. Everyone else make perception checks

*they all fail, apart from the Ranger*

DM: Theia is suddenly gone. Jaik (Ranger), you can see a vague outline where she once stood

Jaik: I reach out at feel the air

DM: You feel the fabric of her robe

Jaik, Chaotic Neutral and a huge flirt: I give a cheeky grope

Theia, a Colossal Lesbian who is on a quest to find her GF: Can I use my bonus action to slap him?

(she missed)

Hard-to-Get

Context: So at the beginning of every campaign we had to pick one of the seven sins and seven virtues for our character to flesh them out. Our human paladin Fabian’s sin was lust. Though he flirted with every character, his fascination was mostly fixated on MY character, Maeven (half-elf rogue).

Fabian(OOC): Hey, sis (the DM; his player and the DM were siblings)

DM: What?

Fabian(OOC): Is it a free move to ask out Maeven?

Me(OOC): No. Roll a d20 and add your shitty charisma modifier.

The DM went along with it. He failed pretty much every time.

Alchemist with a charisma score of 7 and never takes off his creepy plaguedoctor-mask: *Holds out hand to party medium*

Medium: “What are you doing? What is that?”

Alchemist: “It’s a rare Jorin-flower; with it I can create several vials of poison capable of desolving a human kidney in seconds. But I am giving it to you because I thought you would find it pretty.”

The most beautiful moment of that session.

Sibling power!

The setting is Warhammer Fantasy, second ed. The party consists of my hedge witch, Jarla, her brother the road warden Manfred, the disgraced (and rather unsociable racist) warrior Soldarc and the slightly out of water elven mage G'wyndred Fartravel. We are in need of talking to a certain guard captain and have been stopped to do so by another guard demanding that we have some sanctioned reason to disturb his boss. I decide to let Jarla try and charm him. I roll, succeed.

Me: Okay, she goes all big eyed and try to flatter and flirt until he understands that he needs to let us in to see this captain.

DM: Ok. 

Soldarc: We do not have time for your female urges, woman. If you want to fraternize with this man do it on your own time! Control yourself.

Me: Shut up.

Soldarc: I have a great understanding of that you woman females might feel  a need to fawn all over men of your race, but really. We need to get going.

Manfred [turns to Soldarcs frowning]: I do not appreciate you taking that tone with my sister. She is allowed to talk to whom ever she wants. And who are you to berate her? You are basically sex on two legs.Have you no notion of your own great animalistic magnetism? You are about the sexiest thing I have ever met. Do you not think of how you affect others?

Soldarc: [cough, blush] W-what? I…i am not comfortable with this conversation.. I… I’m going to go and wait outside…

Soldarc steps away, Manfred grins at Jarla and she grins back, high fiving her brother. 

Jarla and Manfred: Sibling power.

G'wyndred, a bit confused: I find Soldarc rather crude myself.

After missing the assassin with my throwing knife, my character’s new wizard girlfriend steps up.

Wizard: “It’s okay, I’ve got you, baby.”
Me (a bit jokingly): “My hero~”

She then proceeds to one shot the assassin with a magic missile.

Me: “Holy fuck that was hot.”
Wizard: “I’ve got to protect my girlfriend, after all.” *Wink*
Me: “Take me now.”
Cleric: “WILL YOU TWO STOP FIGHTING AND FOCUS ON THE BATTLE?!”
Me: “Probably not, but we can try.”
Cleric: “You’re both idiots.”
Wizard: “You’re just upset because you’re not the one getting laid tonight.”
Me: “I’m getting laid?!”
Cleric: “I hate you both.”

Trust me, I'm a professional

Shadowrun 5. Our party is meeting a Johnson at a restaurant and are trying to look ‘professional’, that is mostly me, the group’s heavily agumented elven face who doubled as a call boy/bodyguard before becomming a runner, unknown to his teammates. Our physical adept is a japanese girl with a rabbit ear mutation who hates everyone who isn’t human, so naturally we have a relationship based on quarreling and name calling. When the Johnson compliments her on her ears, I chime in with a snarky comment.

Adept: *under her breath* Bloody fuck boy….

Decker, usually quiet and well liked, at 18 youngest member of the party: Actually…*out of character* I wanna browse the Matrix for evidance of that accusation.

GM: Roll for it.

Decker: *rolls surprisingly well*

GM: You indeed find a video that seems to be a sex tape. At first you think it’s a gif file because the same motion is being repeated over and over again.

Decker: *out of character* I send it to everyone at the table.

The Johnson ended up inviting me on a date after the job was done with.

Context: I was playing as a red orc, trying to gain the trust of a metal elemental. That night, five meteorites fall from the sky. I and the other players, an elf and a dwarf, investigate (note: our characters had not met yet). I leave with four meteorites, the dwarf has one, leaving the elf with none.

Elf OOC: I sneak up behind the orc.

DM: Orc, roll perception.

Me: (rolls) 14

DM: You hear the elf behind you.

Me: I turn around and say, “Can I help you friend?”

Elf: (nopes out of there)

(later)

Me: I give a meteorite to the elemental.

DM: The elemental is…very appreciative. Apparently giving a meteorite to a metal elemental forms a special connection.

Me:… I’m not married to the elemental now, right?