Highlights from the 1st session of my D&D campaign
(during character creation) Mum: I’m Trump-Tinyhands, a famous half-orc ballerina.
(while trying to enter a cursed church) D M: You (pixie character) enter the church, however, the second you enter you get distracted by a bright light, which you then fly towards blindly and continue to fly into it. Dylan, our Pixie: IT’S SO BRIGHT AND SHINY
(in a bar) Trump-Tinyhands: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Me want drink! Drink! Drink! Dylan: Erm yes I think we might need a few more dozen pints for our friend over here, he’s not drunk enough.
(still in the bar) M'riqa, our Khajiit thief, talking to the barmaid: Hey, I’ve seen many pussies in my time, but if I pet you right will your purr? Barmaid: I will beat the shit out of you if you talk to me like that again. M'riqa: *sprints right out of the bar* Dylan: Damnit, come back here!
(going back to the cursed church) DM: Maybe Dylan should stop trying to enter the church. He’s a Loki-worshipper and this is the Church of The God of Mild Frostbite and That Very Annoying Feeling You Get After You Warm Your Hands Up After Being In The Cold That Makes Your Fingers Feel Like They’re Burning Trump-Tinyhands OOC: If that’s the God’s name, I can’t imagine just how long the sermons are.
(M'riqa spotted something pretty in the church and wants to steal it) M'riqa: I enter the church! DM: You try to enter the church, but it appears that you cannot. The curse on the church does not know what to do with you, so it simply becomes an invisible wall. Trump-Tinyhands: I think something’s going on with this church. Dylan: *sarcastically* I never would have thought of that!
(40 minutes into figuring out the church) M'riqa OOC: Does anybody have Detect Magic? Dylan OOC: Hell yeah I do! M'riqa OOC: Then go do it you winged bastard. Dylan: I cast Detect Magic on the church doorway. M'riqa OOC: 40 fucking minutes. 40 FUCKING MINUTES WE’VE SPENT ON THIS FUCKING CHURCH CURSE ONLY NOW TO FIND THAT THE BLOODY PIXIE HAD THE KEY TO THE WHOLE DAMN THING DM: You cast Detect Magic on the doorway. It seems that only followers of the God of Mild Fristbite and all that stuff can pass through the doorway. Dylan: I can’t, I’m Loki’s priest. Half-orc: What’s a priest? (too stupid to know what a god is) Dylan: It’s down to you, M'riqa. M'riqa: … I may or may not have sold my soul and devoted my life to Nocturnal. Is that a problem?
(later) M'riqa: Nocturnal, may I stray from your path for a moment while I infiltrate this church? DM: You poke yourself in the eye. That’s a no. M'riqa: Please? Come on, I’ll steal something to add to the glory of the Guild! DM: You sock yourself right in the nose. You are bleeding. M'riqa: Pretty please?? I’ll serve you in the afterlife for twice as long! DM: You stamp on your own foot. M'riqa: Before I go any further, if I ask one more time, will I or will I not keep my tail? DM: Nocturnal remains smugly silent. M'riqa: If someone had told me that this is the sort of thing that happens when you give yourself to a god, then I may have reconsidered my choice.
So for context me and some friends were doing a session set in a foreign land. We were a half-elf bard (me), a tiefling fighter, a human monk, and a elven bard. Me and my fellow bard had just finished out set in the tavern earning out party’s rooms for the night and I (having been inadvertently racist at the tavern keeper) decided to retire to my room. The tiefling is talking to the homunculus who ostensibly owns the bar and eating. The monk is sticking close by the other bard. Said bard decided to ply her trade (courtesan) at the bar and struck up a conversation with a half-elf man there.
Bard: Hey you looking for some fun tonight?
Half-elf: Depends on what kind you’re offering.
Me (OOC): *whispers* Roll for seduction.
*The table promptly cracks up. Once the DM gets control again…*
DM: Ok roll for seduction if you would?
Bard: *rolls a 14*
DM: Ok well you seduce him. You take him upstairs to your room and you both get undressed. He finds you exotic and beautiful. Then he asks for something you’re not used to giving.
Me again(OOC): Ohhhhhh he wants to get freeky!
DM: *laughing* It involves rope but not the way you would expect. Lets just say he’s the one who’ll have rope burn tomorrow.
*queue table cracking up again*
DM: While this is happening the rest of you start hearing noises from her room that are unlike any you have ever heard before.
*table is dying at this point*
DM: UNFORTUNATELY you aren’t used to being the one in charge in these situations. So he’s enjoying it but not nearly as much as he could be.
Bard: I’m sorry about this I’m usually the one in your position.
Half-elf: No worries I guess. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t terrible.
Bard: Well…isn’t that flattering. *she then proceeds to grab the coin pouch on the table and walk off to hang out in the Monk’s (her bodyguard’s) room.*
When You Prank Sam About Breaking Up With Him On Text
You: Hey Sam… I need to talk to you
Sam: Yeah, what is it?
You: I gotta say what’s on my mind
Sam: Um, go ahead?
You: Something about us doesn’t seem right these days
Sam: What the fuck?
Sam: Are you breaking up with me??
You: Life keeps getting in the way
Sam: I-I mean yeah like sometimes work can be a bit overbearing but that doesn’t mean we can’t work it out, right?
You: Whenever we try somehow the plan is always rearranged
Sam: What do you mean??? I always put you first and if it’s an emergency we always get our plans right!
You: It’s so hard to say
Sam: Are you seriously breaking up with me through text??
You: But I’ve gotta do what’s best for me
Sam: But I love you, you’re my whole life, couldn’t you have at least broken up with me in real life?
You: You’ll be ok…
Sam: I WILL NEVER BE OK YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME ON TEXT, AND I THOUGHT WE HAD THE REST OF OUR LIVES, BUT YOU’RE LEAVING ME?? THROUGH FUCKING TEXT???
You: I’ve got to move on and be who I am
Sam: But you help me make me who I am
You: I just don’t belong here I hope you understand
Sam: But… You own the house, we can’t just take your house
You: We might find our place in this world someday
Sam: If you want to break up we can’t just go back together! That’s not how it works!
You: But at least for now I gotta go my own way
Sam: If you wanted to take a break from us, I wished you would’ve at least told me in real life, not through fucking text. You are literally breaking my heart in the most unimaginable way and even though I want to understand I don’t want to lose you… But I love you, and if you want to go, ok, but you shouldn’t say that we could go back together because you could end up with another guy. Or girl. Whoever you end up with. I love you so fucking much, but if you want to break up, fine
You: Jeez Sam XD
You: You actually wrote a paragraph XD
Sam: YOU WERE KINDA BREAKING UP WITH ME, AND I FIGURED I’D AT LEAST GICE YOU MY LAST WORDS OR SOMETHING