seducator

Not the Ballsiest Dwarf

Context: In the castle courtyard, waiting for our rewards after successfully stopped a dragon from demolishing it.

DM: What do you want to do now?

Chaotic Evil Dwarf(ooc): RANSACK THE TOWN!

DM: Make me a perception check (rolls 14). You see some guards coming up to you with a hammer and rope.

Dwarf(ooc): I feel threatened and strangely aroused.

DM: The young dwarf holding the rope winks at you.

Dwarf (leaning casually on a wall, winking back): Can I rope you into having a drink with me? We could get hammered, and then you could hammer me all night long ;) 

DM: The dwarf’s cheeks turn red, she snatches her companion’s hammer, and hits you in the dwarf parts with it. She then says ‘I don’t think you could take me’ as you squeal and slump to the floor.

Dwarf(ooc): With my last agonising breath before I pass into the cold relief of oblivion, I grunt just loud enough for all to hear: “Sorry. I thought you were a guy”

DM: Before your consciousness fades, you Hear Generic Guard A, who has now been given his hammer back, say something that comes across as muffled. The dwarf then replies ‘they’re probably so small he might as well not have any’.

Dwarf(ooc): My final thoughts before my mind disappears like my testicles are: “That insult hurt worse than any hammer could”

Creative Use of Magic

My players are using Ant Haul and the party trox to carry over six tons of iron in a palanquin to smuggle it past the two guards on duty at the city gate.
Bard: Two guards you say?? -grinning widely- I cast Matchmaker on them.
DM: Oh crap. -both fail their saving throws-
DM: Well… the two of them are now glancing at each other and blushing.
Bard: Aww, they’re in love. So now it won’t be weird when I cast Unnatural Lust.
DM: -Nat 19- Oh! He makes it!Bard: Unnatural Lust on the other one then!
DM: -fails- Fuck. He suddenly sprints across the road and tackles his partner into the bushes.
Trox: I lift the iron and run into the city!
DM: So… You just smuggled over six tons of smelted iron into the city by making the guards outside fuck.