secret series

He said,
“I want to see the real you.
I want to feel you without a shield,
put your guards down,
and let me in.”

You think he means
the thoughts in your mind,
the many holes in your heart,
and the words you write
on late nights.

So you fuck him,
not because you love him
but because he made you believe
that he did indeed
fall in love with you, too.


It’s hard letting go of someone who was your first. He was my best friend but after we did it, he stopped being my friend.” // M.D.L

“I want to know you.”

they always say:
“fall in love with a writer”
and people imagine this whole other world
of intricate labyrinths
and armies of malicious letters
guarding the doors
of one’s unmappable mind.

no one ever mentions
how easy it would be to dive
into the dark ocean of your eyes
without worrying
about height or parachutes or life vests
how I could spend lifetimes
tracing constellations of the freckles on your face
as if they were enough
to guide me on a starry night
back home
how you are that kind of fire
I would recklessly burn my fingers with
again and again
denying everything I have ever been told
for a glimmering drop of your light
because you are the mere depiction
of my survival instinct.

if I asked the ocean to have mercy
and time to stop
would you meet me in the middle?

—  “He’s a writer and I am his muse. He’s hard to love but it’s easy for me to love him.” // luana gavan

maybe it’s because
the first time I kissed you we were at a sleepover and we were surrounded by friends and I tasted the entire universe in the way your lips pressed against mine and you pulled away and said ‘that felt weird’.

maybe it’s because
you haven’t changed the way you look at me since then but I can’t stop my eyes from drowning in the oceans behind yours and you know that I’ve never been a strong swimmer.

maybe it’s because
I stopped going to Sunday church so I wouldn’t bump into you singing hymns to a religion you don’t really believe in, I’ve never been good at lying to myself like you were.

maybe it’s because
we were 7 when you taught me how to tie my shoelaces into a butterfly knot but you never taught me how to untie the knots my stomach forms whenever your hand grazes mine.

maybe it’s because
I go through my days with my body dragging behind yours like my heart somehow chained itself to your touch and you pull and tug at my heartstrings whenever you smile my direction.

maybe it’s because
we’ve been best friends for 6 years and I can never kiss you again because you would never feel half of what I felt at the contact of your lips.

—  Confession: “I kissed my best friend at a sleepover, time passed and I fell for her, but I can’t bring myself to kiss her again.” // by rb
1.) You’re on my mind, but you’re not on my lips anymore.
2.) Do you even know how much your blue fucking eyes have messed me up? I hate looking at the sky most days because it reminds me of you.
3.) I just got my first tan in years by accident. My skin reminds me of the color of yours now. Maybe that tan happened to torture me some more.
4.) I have seen little parts of you in so many strangers, it’s like you’re everywhere I go.
5.) Sometimes, I really wish you’d run into me so you’d have to look at me and maybe you’d remember how much you love me.
6.) It’s been way too long since I last heard your voice, God I’m going to be sick.
7.) You didn’t say goodbye last time you came over, you said “See you later.” Please tell me when later is.
8.) My friends hate you for me. After everything you put me through, I can’t find one spot of me that can detest who you are.
9.) I care about you so much. I just want you to know that. Even if you don’t care about me.
10.) I just love you, okay.
11.) I really fucking love you. I don’t know why I’m stuck on you. I just am. No other person can compare to you. You are an entire ocean to me and everyone else is a drop of water.
—  Eleven 3 A.M texts I never sent
Sometimes I think I’ve overcome most of my bad habits, but then I find myself lying alone in bed at 3am screaming your name and wishing you would love me again.

It doesn’t feel like a crush. When we hug it feels so right, when we lock eyes across the room and smile, it feels like a secret only we know but he’s not over her. We’d be so good together.

thesoulpages || ((c.n.p))