secret series

When I was sixteen, I lost my virginity to a boy who showed me that I, too could be loved. He showed me that there are people in this world who truly do have good intentions and mean no harm. He showed me what it meant to be gentle with my heart as well as what a girl should be treated like on a daily basis. He made sure I always got home safe after school and after late night football games. He made sure to remind me how much he cared about me day in and out. He constantly left notes hidden in between my notebooks and regularly whispered sappy things into my ear. He loved to shower me with gifts to show his affection (even when I turned them down). He made sure I knew that he would respect me and that I could trust him. He made sure to never cross any lines physically and emotionally. Most importantly, he made sure to never hurt me in any form. Truth is, he made me his world, but to me he was nothing more than my first boyfriend. With his love I learned that you cannot force yourself to love someone no matter how strong their love for you is. One of my favorite John Green quotes is, “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” I’d like to believe that I was his choice. I hurt him because I couldn’t love him back no matter how strong his love was. In the end, I learned that sometimes we hurt good people without meaning to.
—  Natalie Meza, Secret Series (Part II)

He said,
“I want to see the real you.
I want to feel you without a shield,
put your guards down,
and let me in.”

You think he means
the thoughts in your mind,
the many holes in your heart,
and the words you write
on late nights.

So you fuck him,
not because you love him
but because he made you believe
that he did indeed
fall in love with you, too.

— 

It’s hard letting go of someone who was your first. He was my best friend but after we did it, he stopped being my friend.” // M.D.L

When I was nineteen, everyone told me that I would never find a guy that filled my ridiculous expectations. Though finding someone worth the while was never a game, I proved everyone wrong and met a guy that exceeded everything I wanted. When we met for the first time we instantly clicked. I was able to talk to him about anything and not feel afraid. He listened and he remembered; he worked hard and played harder. He was a mama’s boy and I think I loved that the most about him. He was that son that every mom wishes to raise. He was going to school at a private Christian university on a basketball scholarship. He worked on the weekends and always made time for his family. He was so good he made me want to be a better person. He never told me that he loved me, I didn’t even love who I was then, but I should have known that he did. I should have known he loved me when he would answer my phone calls at three in the morning those nights that I couldn’t sleep. I should have known he loved me when he would pick me up from parties that got a little out of hand after one too many drinks. I should have known he loved me when he made sure I ate breakfast even on the days I was running late. I should have known that he loved me when he drove two hours just to see me for five minutes. I should have known he loved me when he left flowers at my doorstep ‘just because it was Thursday’. I should have known he loved me when he still opened the car door for me a year after winning me over. I was too insecure to believe anyone could love me especially if they didn’t say it out loud. I took his heart for granted and I guarded mine. In the end, I learned that you must learn to love yourself before you can expect anyone to love you back.
—  Natalie Meza, Secret Series (Part V)

they always say:
“fall in love with a writer”
and people imagine this whole other world
of intricate labyrinths
and armies of malicious letters
guarding the doors
of one’s unmappable mind.

no one ever mentions
how easy it would be to dive
into the dark ocean of your eyes
without worrying
about height or parachutes or life vests
or
how I could spend lifetimes
tracing constellations of the freckles on your face
as if they were enough
to guide me on a starry night
back home
or
how you are that kind of fire
I would recklessly burn my fingers with
again and again
denying everything I have ever been told
for a glimmering drop of your light
because you are the mere depiction
of my survival instinct.

if I asked the ocean to have mercy
and time to stop
would you meet me in the middle?

—  “He’s a writer and I am his muse. He’s hard to love but it’s easy for me to love him.” // luana gavan

When I turned twenty-one, I fell in love for the first time. I met a guy who had an old soul and a beautiful mind. I didn’t have to put up walls with him and he didn’t have to knock any of mine down—it was effortless. He didn’t ask ordinary questions such as what my favorite color was or what I did for fun. He wanted to know what I was afraid of, what my favorite Disney movie was, what my top five songs were, and what made me smile in the simplest way. I think that ’s when I knew that he was someone I could easily fall in love with.

I loved that he listened to alternative, classical, and indie music that I secretly liked such as The Killers, Beethoven, and Bright Eyes. I loved that he could recite poetry by Pablo Neruda, Jack Kerourac, and William Shakespeare without even trying to be impressive. I loved that he was always full of romantic surprises such as reservations to French restaurants, flying kites on the beach, or having picnics at the park. I loved that his fingers were dull from playing guitar nights after nights. I loved that he watched chick flicks with me and truly did enjoy the storylines out of them. I loved the way his mind worked, a little more observant than most people (he wanted to minor in philosophy). I loved that he couldn’t cook, but he was willing to experiment in my kitchen and never made fun of my terrible meals. I loved that we could sit in the back seat of his car until five in the morning simply listening to our favorite rock bands. I loved that we tried new coffee shops together even though he didn’t even know how to order coffee. I loved that we could spend hours in bookshops without saying a word to one another, yet we never felt alone. I loved that we got lost in cities we thought we knew and I loved that we worked towards making a home together in one we’d never been to. I loved how focused and determined we were about chasing our dreams.

Somewhere along the line we began chasing different dreams. I moved to Seattle because of a job opportunity and though he swore he would join me he ended up staying behind to pursue his dream. In the end, I learned that love sometimes is not enough.
—  Natalie Meza, Secret Series (Part VI)

maybe it’s because
the first time I kissed you we were at a sleepover and we were surrounded by friends and I tasted the entire universe in the way your lips pressed against mine and you pulled away and said ‘that felt weird’.

maybe it’s because
you haven’t changed the way you look at me since then but I can’t stop my eyes from drowning in the oceans behind yours and you know that I’ve never been a strong swimmer.

maybe it’s because
I stopped going to Sunday church so I wouldn’t bump into you singing hymns to a religion you don’t really believe in, I’ve never been good at lying to myself like you were.

maybe it’s because
we were 7 when you taught me how to tie my shoelaces into a butterfly knot but you never taught me how to untie the knots my stomach forms whenever your hand grazes mine.

maybe it’s because
I go through my days with my body dragging behind yours like my heart somehow chained itself to your touch and you pull and tug at my heartstrings whenever you smile my direction.

maybe it’s because
we’ve been best friends for 6 years and I can never kiss you again because you would never feel half of what I felt at the contact of your lips.

—  Confession: “I kissed my best friend at a sleepover, time passed and I fell for her, but I can’t bring myself to kiss her again.” // by rb
1.) You’re on my mind, but you’re not on my lips anymore.
2.) Do you even know how much your blue fucking eyes have messed me up? I hate looking at the sky most days because it reminds me of you.
3.) I just got my first tan in years by accident. My skin reminds me of the color of yours now. Maybe that tan happened to torture me some more.
4.) I have seen little parts of you in so many strangers, it’s like you’re everywhere I go.
5.) Sometimes, I really wish you’d run into me so you’d have to look at me and maybe you’d remember how much you love me.
6.) It’s been way too long since I last heard your voice, God I’m going to be sick.
7.) You didn’t say goodbye last time you came over, you said “See you later.” Please tell me when later is.
8.) My friends hate you for me. After everything you put me through, I can’t find one spot of me that can detest who you are.
9.) I care about you so much. I just want you to know that. Even if you don’t care about me.
10.) I just love you, okay.
11.) I really fucking love you. I don’t know why I’m stuck on you. I just am. No other person can compare to you. You are an entire ocean to me and everyone else is a drop of water.
—  Eleven 3 A.M texts I never sent