okay but can we talk about motherfucking gian lorenzo bernini???
sure, he was an asshole, I won’t deny that.
one time he tried to kill his brother and ordered a henchman to scar his lover’s face out of anger when he found out they were having an affair.
he was actually the one having an affair with Constanza in the first place, since she was already married (people apparently made lots of jokes about the irony of her name, seeing as she was anything but constant) and tbh I hate his guts
but I can’t lie, his artistic ability was fucking incredible. at the age of 14, this motherfucker starts working under a master sculptor, producing some of the finest fucking marble slabs of all time
just look at this shit
this was a work he completed WHILE HE WAS A TEENAGER
his fucking david
mmm that freshly carved marble
except it’s NOT
this was done during the motherfucking 1600s, people
oh yeah just look at that veil clinging to her body, you can see her fucking face through it (which, btw, is a Big Deal in art history)
in the right lighting, you can practically see this motherfucker sweat like he’s standing outside in the sunlight wearing 5 layers of robes in 100 degree weather
find a front profile of this sculpture and you’ll see that bernini even took the time to carve a button that doesn’t fit all the way through its hole
man, bernini was a piece of shit but look at those butt cheeks
you can almost see the flop and squish
this gorgeous gal is constanza motherfucking bonarelli, once the object and subject of bernini’s love and desire (pre facial scarring)
I’ll give you a hint: bernini is the reason y’all can’t take the term “bust” seriously anymore, they used to be perfectly dignified 3D portraits of old people but nooooo, he had to go and capture her in a flash of defiant rage
if you’ve watched the Power of Art’s episode on bernini’s life and accomplishments, you’d better fucking know that he believed people were closest to their inner essence, displaying their true selves in the moments directly before and after they spoke
that’s exactly what the fuck he captured in this moment, without a fucking reference somehow don’t ask me how I don’t even know
LOOK AT THIS SHIT
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ACCOMPLISH THIS WITH MARBLE AND A CHISEL
granted, bernini’s assistant was the one who did the leaves on daphne’s hands
looks like that brazen horny motherfucker apollo won’t be catching up to her anytime soon
SERIOUSLY HOW THE FUCK DOES HE DO IT
HE MAKES MARBLE LOOK LIKE FUCKING FLESH
you fucking bet I saved the best for last
shit went downhill in his career after he failed to erect the towers of st. peter’s on swampy ground, and the flames of hell were already licking his heels, and don’t even get me started on borrowmini, that little shit was a genius craftsman
so he attempted to redeem himself by designing a cathedral for saint teresa
he took one fucking look at her description of the moment she was called to serve god and said “if this is what heavenly pleasure feels like, I’ve experienced it a lot.”
in her fucking manuscript she says the angel was pointing the “fiery tip” of an arrow at her heart, causing her to feel “pain and pleasure all at once”.
does that arrow fucking look like it’s pointed at her heart?
say what you want about bernini’s character, I know I sure do (catch rants from me on a daily basis), but you can’t deny that his skill with marble was impeccable.
sly, sly bernini.