things we lost in the fire

(this was requested as part of the angst prompt by thegreatwidesomewhere for “what happened doesn’t change anything” but it was really relevant to something I had headcanoned for my Shepard, so here goes the pain)

Shepard knew from the moment that Miranda told her everything, she’d have to confront Kaidan about it. He deserved to know as much as anyone, but she didn’t know how to talk to him now. He was so far removed from the sweet, loving Lieutenant she’d fallen in love with years before. 

He looked almost the same, his hair a little more grey, and his build slightly stronger. But he still looked like Kaidan. It could have fooled her.

“Shepard,” he said, stepping into her room. 

She felt a knot grow in her stomach. She was now doubting that she could do this. “Hey. I just… I wanted to talk to you about something.”

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anonymous asked:

Shenko - “I just really need to have you here right now.” and “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” :) Absolutely love your writing btw. I'm Shenko trash.

Why thank you! I’m Shenko trash as well, clearly.

Shepard woke with a start, her heart racing and body damp with a cold sweat. Hot tears poured down her cheeks and she couldn’t calm herself down. The images from her nightmare flooded her mind and she had no way of stopping them. All she saw was the inside of Cerberus HQ, right at the Illusive Man’s chair, and Kai Leng plunging his god damn sword through Kaidan’s armor, and that was it. No helping, no saving him. Just that.

She rubbed the tears out of her eyes and looked next to her, where Kaidan was fast asleep, his hair a mess and slightly snoring. He was alive, fine, and she didn’t have to worry. But part of her needed him awake, to hear his voice and have him tell her she’d be okay.

She wiggled herself against him, resting in his arms, and nudging him slightly. She muttered her name against his skin and held onto him tightly. Finally, he budged. He rubbed his eyes and sighed, turning over and noticing her.

“What’s up?” he mumbled, coming out of his deep sleep.

She traced her fingers around his skin and swallowed her tears. “I… I just wanted to hear your voice.”

He sat up, helping her crawl into his arms and rest her head on his shoulder. “Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong? What happened?”

He tilted her face up to look at him, and he quickly kissed away the remaining tears on her face. Shepard’s lip trembled and she grabbed at him tighter. 

“I just really need you here right now,” she said, her voice wavering between tears.

Kaidan kissed the side of her head and cradled her closer. “Oh, sweet heart. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. What happened? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Just a bad dream about something happening to you,” she said. “It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have been so worked up about it.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s okay. It’s terrifying. I know. But I’m right here, with you. And nothing is going to change that. Nothing and no one could take me away from you, Shepard. I would never let it.”

She nodded. “I hope not.”

“Never, ever, baby. You’re stuck with me.”

“Good,” she replied, kissing the base of his throat and giving a weak smile.

“Hey, let’s try to get back to bed, alright? Come here,” he said, leaning back and letting her curl up in his arms, facing one another. “I’ll stay awake until you’re back asleep.”

She snuggled up against him and wrapped her arms around his body. He draped an arm over her, and kissed her forehead. He stroked his hand up and down her side, telling her how much he loved her over and over again, until she was fast asleep.