screaming pickle

story time: the great pickle heist of 2016

to all of you who wanted another story: you made your bed, and now you’re gonna lie in it.

  • so this story is, from a purely superficial standpoint, about how i stole 40 pounds of pickles from my community college cafeteria today
  • but, on a deeper level
  • a literary level
  • a new yorker review kind of level
  • this story is about the perils and pitfalls of the sacrifices one nineteen year old girl makes to win the approval of authority
  • that’s me
  • I’m the girl
  • the girl who stole 40 pounds of pickles today.
  • so here we go:

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shit i've heard IRL sentence starters.

“Rule number one of Tumblr. Don’t put the hamster up your ass.”
“I’M WOKE! I’M WOKE!”
“Are you high? You should be.”
“It’s the fucking Pikachu’s fault.”
“You already live off Welfare, asshole.”
“Nobody is that scary when they don’t have hands.”
“VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER!”
“Maybe it’s because you were born to be unhappy.”
“That was a pretty dank analysis.”
“Let me drink your milk.”
“For $0.75 an hour you can invite me to sit in your house and eat bread crumbs.”
“You exude weird shit.”
“Just throw it back and walk away.”
“Raise your hand to fuck elves.”
“I AM PRESIDENT!”
“This entire endeavor was rendered pointless.”
“Everything you know is wrong, and ____ is gonna tell you why!”
“YAAAAAY! I’VE BEEN LIED TO MY ENTIRE LIFE!”
“Have you been torturing the peasants for your own sexual pleasure?”
“GOD, WHY IS IT SO SWEATY?”
“On a scale from one to yikes, how fucked are you?”
“I am the hands of God.”
“In a way, those Cheetos were just like me. White, puffy, and made with real cheese.”
“I’m going to go home, eat doughnuts, and cry.”
“This rug is my boyfriend.”
“We’re all just stupid birds.”
“I don’t think I can take anything seriously, much less you.”
“And no, you can’t start a fight club.”
“Everything in your life turns into a dead body.”
“I tried. I did try. But then I forgot to finish trying.”
“DAMN! Ya blew it!”
“You are exactly fifteen layers of Hell.”
“You go, musclemania.”
“Alright, keep sucking your own dick.”
“My son is seven and he smells like PICKLES…. Stop screaming.”
“You look like you murdered an entire family and you’re satisfied with your work.”

  • Crowbar: You’ll have to excuse me for a moment, Inspector.
  • Pickle Inspector: Where are you going?
  • Crowbar: I need to find a quiet room in which to practice an ancient leprechaun meditation technique.
  • Pickle Inspector: Oh. Really? What is it?
  • Crowbar: It’s called screaming.
  • Pickle Inspector: Oh yeah– I know that one. Mind if I join you?
  • Crowbar: Not at all.
  • Jungkook: I'll give you a nickle if you tickle my pickle
  • Taehyung: ... I'll tickle your pickle, but keep the nickle
youtube

NEW VIDEO: “What I Learned From Pickle Juice

Reblog if you dig it. I’m gonna love anyone who does.

Starkiller Science: Chapter 2

Summary:  You’ve finally moved into your new apartment on the Starkiller base’s orbiting satellite, and your day has been terrible because moving is a pain in and of itself.  But wait!  It gets worse before it gets better.  At least you finally meet some other people onboard.

Ships: Kylo Ren x reader (eventually)

Word Count: 2547

Boxes. A labyrinth of boxes upon boxes tumbling over other boxes and spilling their contents onto the metal-plated floor.  And then more boxes.  Boxes on the bed.  Boxes on the tiny island of a kitchen table.  Boxes out in the hallway, because my God, what to do with all these damned boxes?

You were still holding onto your cat’s crate when you entered into your brand new apartment on the Starkiller base’s largest orbiting satellite.  It was a relief to finally get inside of your new home, because oh boy had today been shit.

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I’m having one of those days when I fangirl more over my favorite fanblogs/the people that run them than Tyler and Troye

Classmate Seungkwan

“I’ll be the best goddamn class captain, vote for me”

  • Seungkwan is that one student who’s always talking back to the teacher 
  • But somehow doesn’t get sent to the office or get detention
  • Sk the one that gets elected as class leader/school council/school captain 
  • Because he’s funny And like “rapped” his speech 
  •  Seungkwan class clown 
  • THE ONE THAT DOESNT DO HIS HW AND GOES AROUND ADKIBG PEOPLE IF HE COULD COPY LMAO 
  •  THE ONE WHO MAKES SPORTS CLASS FUN liKE DODGE BALL?? GETS HIS TEAM TOGETHER AND MAKES UP A CODE WORD 
  • IA’s anecdote : We were playing dodge ball and our team got together and had this huddle yeah
  • And our captain made up the code word pickles
  • So when our captain screamed out pickles We would get on the floor And start rolling
  • Like a pickle I mean it was dumb and confused the other team and did absolutely nothing but 
  • We won
  • No joke we fucking won the game
  • SeuNGKWAN IS THE CAPTAIN THAT MAKES UP PICKLES 
  • SEUNGKWAN DOESNT HAVE A DESIGNATED SEAT OR GROUP HE SITS WITH LIKE YOU KNOW HOW YOU GET TO YOUR TABLE AND SIT WITH YOUR FRIENDS 
  • unless you have like rows 
  • That’s boring 
  • We sit in groups of 4-6 
  • Maybe 8 if we moved the tables around lol 
  • So we sit with friends
  • No behind or in front of people in rows 
  • Anyways seungkwan just hovers
  • Like sure he has his friends to sit with at lunch 
  • But during class it’s like “Hmmm can I sit with you guys today?“ 
  • And they’re like "HELL YEAH" 
  • Or like "Hey Bobby!! What’s up?” He says as he joins the table placing his books down. No one was complaining mind you.
  • Everyone loves seungkwan Like he meshes with all year levels 
  • The older year levels are like “YEAH YEAH SEUNGKWAN WHATS UPPP”
  • And the younger year levels are like “!!! Hey seungkwan!!”
  • And he’s like “HI KIDSSSSSSSSS ARE YOU DOING WELL IN YOUR CLASSES?" 
  • OH SHIT THE KID THAT VOLUNTEERS TO SHOW THE NEW KID AROUND 
  • Wakes up sleeping students with ”AYO LADIESSSS THIS IS YUR STORYYYYYYYYY“ 
  • Walks into class with ”aYO LADIESSSSSS THIS IS YUR STORYYYY
  • story time because everyone likes story time
  • you’re the new kid #surprise
  • and you walk into class like no biggie sit down anywhere or just sit down because you’re in pods and you’re like
  • Hi I’m new can I sit here and they’re like sure fam
  • And a pod is basically a friendship group right 
  • so BAM sid down in particular pod that’s your friendship group for lYFE
  • Unless you decide to move 
  • then forget what i said 
  • So it’s a new dawn a new day a new a fucking school hola
  • and you’re lost like what do you do 
  • and you’re relying on your pod to help you 
  • and you’re like yeah cool hi I’m Y/N and damn aren’t narwhals cool
  • and class captain walks in
  • “ayOOO LADIESSSSSSSSSS–”
  • the class returns his call with:
  • “t h IS IS YUR STORYYYYY”
  • and you’re like what the actual fuck guys pls explain 
  • and as you just look at the source of the ayo ladies in your frantic confusion 
  • FOR A SPLIT SECOND 
  • A MILLISECOND EVEN 
  • EYES LOCKED AND THERE WAS A BLOOD SHINE LIKE THE ONES IN THE ANIMES
  • HIS EYES WIDEN
  • LIKE BIGGER THAN BEFORE 
  • and you just know that what ever you’re getting into is gonna be a motherf*ck!ng roller coaster 
  • ok but Seungkwan is racking his mind for that split millisecond and because this kid knows everyone right 
  • buggers like rushing up to you 
  • bangs his bloody hands on your table 
  • and is like you’re new 
  • and you’re like ?????? still in frantic confusion 
  • “Hey pod mind if I sit with you today?”
  • “Go ahead class cap”
  • “??????”
  • Like ok home room starts and home room is usually like 20 mins yeah 
  • so teacher does role call and class captain pulls up his pants on his cap 
  • “alRIGHT KIDS WE GOT A NEW KID IN CLASS”
  • teacher: “oh yeah new kid name is —”
  • “HER NAME IS Y/N”
  • class: “Hi Y/N”
  • like whoa you suddenly feel like you’re in a help group yknow like the ones in the movie 
  • and you just awkwardly you just wave to people like hi classmates hello maybe try to hide behind your hair 
  • And Seungkwan is juST BOOMING 
  • “EVERYONE GRAB A CHAIR CIRCLE TIME INTRODUCE YOURSELVES”
  • so it’s circle time and everything is just moving so quickly and wow 
  • You’re acquainted 
  • with everyone in your class right now 
  • how?
  • in 20 minutes, less even
  • you now know each of your classmates and they know you 
  • and they didn’t act like
  • dicks????
  • you got the foundation to make friends and you’re like whoa hold up how it’s beEN TWENTY MINUTES
  • bell rings 
  • it’s first period 
  • and you’re walking out of class with your books to your first class and class captain has himself attached to your hip
  • he, as your class captain, has taken the chance to formally announce himself as your guide for the week because you’re new anD HE MAKES AN EFFORT TO KNOW EVERYONE
  • but ok problem is 
  • he’s actually attached to your hIP BONE LIKE HE’S NOT BUDGING 
  • people think he’s hooked up with you 
  • which is like what 
  • Seungkwan??? Relationship???????
  • no can’t be no
  • no
  • no
  • ….no?
  • because like Seungkwan is everyone’s friend and the idea of Seungkwan being a “boyfriend”never crossed anyone’s mind 
  • But he’s all over you 
  • Arm over shoulder, hand holding, back hugs etc etc
  • but he does it subconsciously and you really pay no mind to it because just by looking at his bloody face you’re like yeah he’s everyone’s cuddly best friend
  • and he’s got the majority of his classes with you 
  • like same homeroom, core classes same people yadda
  • and through these classes you realise that Seungkwan isn’t just a really good leader and captain
  • but he’s actually reALLY FUCKING FUNNY
  • THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THAT HE’S ALMOST BOUGHT YOU TO TEARS
  • AND HAD THE CLASS HOLLERING
  • and this continues for the week 
  • second week, you know your way you don’t need Seungkwan leading you anymore all cool
  • but the school’s like waiiiiiiiitttt hold up pause
  • whY AREN’T THEY TOGETHER ANYMORE BA C K U P 
  • Seungkwan is bombarded with questions 
  • “yOU BROKE UP WITH HER ALREADY????”
  • thE WHOLE SCHOOL IS NOW IN FRANTIC CONFUSION WHY DID IT LAST A WEEK I MEAN SEUNGKWAN COULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN A GOOD BOYFRIEND W A I T 
  • and people start comforting you like 
  • “shhhhh it’s okay, he’s lame anyways you don’t need him”
  • and you’re like I mean yeah I know where the library is now but wtf are you on??
  • but they think you’re heartbroken 
  • and Seungkwan is suddenly seen as a player because your “relationship” lasted a week
  • “Mate you’re a good kid you shouldn’t have led her on like that”
  • and he’s like ????? who
  • “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHO WHEN WERE YOU SO HEARTLESS??”
  • “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SEUNGCHEOL”
  • “THAT GIRL THAT WAS TAILING YOU AND YOU WERE ALL CUDDLY WITH THE ENTIRETY OF LAST WEEK
  • “Y/N??? SHE’S NEW I WAS BEING NICE AND SHOWING HER AROUND WE WEREN’T DATING”
  • EVEN THE TEACHERS CONFRONT HIM
  • “Seungkwan, we’ve recently heard about a certain rumour about a very short relationship between you and Y/N.. As a school leader, Seungkwan, we are very disappointed in you and thought you were better than this. We advise you not to do a similar stunt or else your captaincy may be taken away”
  • “iT wAs A mIsUnDeRsTaNdInG”
  • You two accidentally spot each other from across the cafeteria
  • Both of you are like looking at each other in agony
  • Boy gets up, walks over to you anD DRAGS YOU OUT OF THE GYM
  • THE WHOLE ROOM IS NOW HOLLERING
  • Mixed reactions
  • Lots of screaming and whispering and ‘woo’ing
  • “What do we do Y/N”
  • “Let’s just hang out again??? Maybe they wont think we dated or broke up???” 
  • “Sounds like a plan.” but he’s sorta happy because you’re fun to be around
  • You guys walk back in with his arm around your shoulder
  • CH A O S ENSUES
  • “dON’T GO BACK TO HIM, YOURE BETTER THAN THIS Y/N”
  • WE AREN’T D AT I NG”
  • weeks pass and y’all are now besties
  • and then you actually start going out
  • I’ll let you imagine how the school reacts

The Candyman burst through the door of my pad
God was telling him to start another band
I wanted to play drums so I got some sticks
and started beating the shit out of the furniture
A beautiful destructive angel of the dark street
I am self-taught on most everything I do
The goal is precisely to become a disappointment to our parents
If, like me, you really do have nothing to lose
then congratulations. You’re already there
I tried to raise my own kids to be ignorant savages
but they rebelled and got college degrees
Sometimes the only thing that can save you is if you drink
You go, “I’m going to have a drink!” And they go, “Yeeahhh!”
You take a gulp of alcohol and they all cheer
The government has done studies on this and it’s no problem
I think there is a term for it… it’s not escapism
My therapist told me all about it. It’s when you
deny the reality around you
and then run like a frightened animal
to the nearest pay phone to call for help
But it’s not all screaming pickles and wind-up teeth
One afternoon I amassed enough skee-ball tickets at the Fun City arcade
to break out of the cage of the socially conditioned ego
people would talk to me and I would answer
but not know what I was saying You can hear them asking questions
the voice reverbs into multiple voices, repeating, looping
and someone lit the sofa on fire