It’s weird when happiness creeps up on you from seemingly nowhere when you haven’t been happy for a really long time. I mean it’s obviously not from nowhere, you’ve spent a long time being bummed out and stressed everyday and feeling like, and I quote myself “there’s a cockroach in my brain”. does quoting myself make me a psycho? whatever. But then you kind of get to a point where the cockroach wanders off and scurries into someone else’s head for a while and you feel so fuckin relaxed it’s insane. I think it feels so weird because you haven’t wanted to let of the sadness for so long. And then all of sudden you don’t care and don’t wanna feel sad and you didn’t even realise it.
I’m in New York for Fashion Week which is kind of the opposite of relaxed. There’s a lot of crazy people everywhere. Crazy good and crazy bad. There’s been times I’ve felt far too British for some of the seriousness that someone has installed in fashion, because although I appreciate the importance of how fashion can free us and fill us with joy, confidence, personality and attitude. They are, after all, just clothes. In the same way I always remind myself I am just a musician. It’s just music. My mum is a nurse. I sing, dance, play things and write about how I feel. My mum looks after people when they’re dying. Know what I mean? They’re important to us for so many huge reasons but like… this isn’t literally life or death.
When I went to Ghana earlier in the year and visited a school full of barefoot children that lived in mud huts and under extreme poverty conditions, they were totally inspiring, joyous humans. So inspirational, wanting to change their communities, be socialists and journalist and welcoming me with giddy songs and making me african print dresses. You’re like uhhh oh yeah my life is great. everything is fine. stop complaining. there’s things to smile about. it’s kind of ok that I’m gonna have to work a bit harder to get what i want, and that my start up disk is full and I really need to get to the mac store and my room is a mess and I missed out on what that person that is way cooler than me posted on instagram. It’s really no big deal. Life is still awesome.
Last night I watched Courtney Love play. She sang the hits for us and I loved every second of it. It’s weird going to a gig that’s a fashion party, with a crowd that are treating it like a fashion party instead of a gig. But there were a pocket full of music fans who screamed every word and didn’t vine/snapchat and hashtag all the way through. And it was so fucking great. Hole has been my “SAD” soundtrack the past 2 years and it was so cool to be not sad watching her. But still feelin the weight of all the songs. How important the songs have been to me. My crying on the floor, gonna smash all the things in my house songs. But not feelin like I wanna do that just feelin so so happy to hear them. It was cool. Courtney Love maaaaaaan <3 Wowza. Livin through it.