Signs as Schmidt quotes
  • Aries:Don’t pretend to know my pain.
  • Taurus:Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!
  • Gemini:Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!
  • Cancer:I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.
  • Leo:I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.
  • Virgo:If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.
  • Libra:Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?
  • Scorpio:Youths!
  • Sagittarius:I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.
  • Capricorn:Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?
  • Aquarius:Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!
  • Pisces:I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.