the signs as quotes said by schmidt from new girl

aries: old people freak me out. with their hands and their legs. they’re like the people version of pleated pants.

taurus: pine has no place in this loft. it’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.

gemini: please take that off. you look like a homeless pencil. 

cancer: I cried the other day listening to a techno song. my tweets have been extremely literal.

leo: guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!

virgo: are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? what is this – prison?

libra: if you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

scorpio: schmidt happens. thumb ring, bitch! you’ve got some Schmidt on your face!

sagittarius: do I feel bad about lying to them? yes! I’m a sagittarius.

capricorn: you’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen? what decade are we in?

aquarius: this is a horrible neighborhood. there are youths everywhere!

pisces: nick is delicate. like a flower. like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.