What I Hope to God
David Joseph Ostrowski

i didn’t know the price
of caution so i bought into it

coffee wasn’t so hot so i drank it
rice milk floaties pulling on the surface

i always ask for water when she says
pepsi products sometimes soda water

no ice but add the lime
put my feet up in the booth

pull out my laptop and get some
writing done to look as though

i’m alone on purpose to those
i’m sure aren’t even paying attention

everyone becomes my audience
my schizophrenic father thought his

audience was always out to get him
and when he died i took his sweaters

and cds and all the prayers he wrote to god
nato says my words look mean in public

but my dad’s prayers for me look mean
yellowing in a box in his closet

she looks beautiful baking life though
she’s got a girl wrapped up in infinity symbols

growing pounds of brain and epidermis
and soft skeletal frame and fingernails

she’s a 3d printer of an explanation
of god or a french press in the four minutes

before pouring out whatever i hope to god
is going to wake me up

when u fake emotion for someone and they don’t even appreciate it like ?? I pretended to not be completely apathetic if u would die right in this moment and this is how u repay me

just some facts about schizophrenia

1.  violence is not a symptom. people with schizophrenia are rarely violent towards other people

2. however, they are violent towards themselves as suicide is the number one cause of premature death among people with schizophrenia. 1 in 10 commits suicide, and 40% of people with schizophrenia has attempted suicide at least once

3. but it’s worth to keep fighting as 25% completely recover and 50% improves 

4. there is a lot of help and ways to cope with schizophrenia

5. people with schizophrenia have great minds and can live a normal and successful life

6. they are beautiful and don’t deserve all the stigma and fear towards them

fun psychosis things

- *having fun* oh shit am i real

- *wakes up and its quiet* looks like im the last one on earth 

- the Bugs

- googles “red bumps on legs”

- i need to do something with my life like… rob a bank

- googles “red bumps on arms”

- kill them. you gotta.

- hidden cameras

- someone in here can read my mind

- googles “red bumps on face”

- #yolo

- sits on bed and dissociates for 10 hours 

- i have No Feelings, i am no weakling

- im so emotional why doesn’t anyone love me *cry*

- kill the cat (why?) you gotta


- *someone does something that slightly annoys me* “kill them”

- googles “red bumps on back”


- relating to things that aren’t even close to what i feel ever why do i do that

- my posters are watching me get dressed

- the government is watching me

- something around the house is… Not Right

- my family has been replaced

honestly, shout out to those who’re balancing mental illness and school. i know it’s hard. i know it’s stressful. i know it’s overwhelming. i know it seems like no one understands, especially when they call you “lazy” or “dumb,” but i am so, so, so proud of you for making it this far. go at your own pace. everything’ll be ok!

mental illness is not a competition. it doesn’t matter if others have “worse” or more prominent symptoms than you. it’s different for everyone. you are valid, and you’re working to improve; that’s beautiful.

you know, I know its taboo and shit to say but like … just because dialectical behavioral therapy has been shown to have a lot of good results doesn’t mean it works for /everyone/ with BPD or other mental illnesses DBT is used to treat.

like we can’t just keep faulting people individually for not getting better with certain systems of treatment? Which is why I don’t mind that so many people are interested in studying psychology, because there’s always more you can do and theres always new things that may help those who aren’t getting better with existing methods of treatment for mental illness. 

basically: u go you psychology nerds. create new shit.

nasally, neuro-typical voice: uhm, if you’re actually mentally ill, you wouldn’t “broadcast” it on the internet. that’s attention-seeking. try internalizing your urges and feelings.
me: blocked

  • some neurotypical fuck: you mentally ill whine about not being able to afford to travel and be in nature to get better yet you dish out millions to pay for your prescriptions
  • me: u know theres this cool thing called insurance.. u know what it does? it pays for your prescriptions. wow interesting right... now you know.
  • me: also spending time in a forest doesn't treat my schizophrenic hallucinations... bye.
*blows a kiss* all the ppl on the schizospectrum......โฃ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’˜โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’•โฃ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’šโฃ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›โฃโฃ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’˜๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—