scears

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Daniel Radcliffe on Ellen 

I changed my Facebook cover photo to this and now my friends won’t talk to me..

before and after - but different :)

on the left: July 2013, 139 lbs/63 kg, eating healthy but very restrictive and too less, working out at least 5 days a week. Suffering from orthorexia nervosa. Constantly feeling tired, worthless and too lazy

on the right: July 2014, 123 lbs/56 kg, vegan diet, intuitive eating, in recovery, working out when I feel like it :) focusing on health instead of weightloss. Being able to enjoy life again <3

total weightloss: 40 lbs/18 kg

Exactly one year ago I noticed that there’s something wrong with my eating and workout habits. I was already aware of my disordered relationship towards my body, but I didn’t realize that I used my weightloss as an instrument to be worth something again. I thought “As soon as I have my old body back, I will be happy. I will be confident again.” I did weightwatchers, in addition I tracked my calories with an app. I worked out at least 5 days a week. I didn’t see my friends because I was busy with my “healthy” lifestyle. When I wasn’t busy with working out or planning my meals, I read fitness related articles online or I was looking at fitblr quotes and pictures. I didn’t go our anymore because I didn’t want to consume “liquid calories”, I was so scared to ruin my progress that I isolated myself. The crazy thing is that my family and my friends weren’t worried, they didn’t notice that there was something wrong with me. In fact they were impressed how disciplined and determined I was, they were happy that I finally took my health serious. What they didn’t notice: it was way too serious. It was a prison. I was constantly disappointed because I didn’t make any progress. I was constantly tired and sad, I thought “I eat perfectly healthy, I workout, I am living the healthy lifestyle - why do I still look like that?” I was sceared of “unhealthy” food, I was scared of not working out. Without noticing, I was suffering from orthorexia nervosa. Fitness and food ruled my life 24/7.

I went to Italy for two weeks with my friends and I broke down. I was tired, I was desperate because I knew I wouldn’t be able to work out 5 days a week in front of my friends. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stick to my diet because they would notice that there’s something wrong with me. I started reading “skinny bitch”, a book about veganism, and it kinda clicked in my head. For those two weeks I ate what I wanted, I didn’t work out at all, but I told myself “back home I will get back on track.” I was able to charge my batteries and I got an idea of what normal life looks like. Being with friends, enjoying food, reading, relaxing, drinking, laughing, being free. Back home I stepped on the scale, I was so scared to see what I “had done to my body” in these two weeks. I was shocked in a positive way when I saw that I had lost 5 lbs/2 kg. Finally I was able to think “Maybe what I am doing is not healthy.” But I was addicted to the lifestyle, so I started working out again. I got sick immediately. Today I feel like my body wanted to pull the emergency break. I had to stay in bed for 6 weeks, I wasn’t able to work out at all. During these 6 weeks I experienced that the world keeps spinning if I don’t work out like crazy. I experienced that a healthy lifestyle is about much more than a “perfect diet” and working out as much as you can.

I thought about sharing these pictures with you for a long time, because I wasn’t sure if the progress is visable that much. But I really wanted to encourage you to overthink the motives for your weightloss or your lifestyle. I want to encourage you to let go restriction and find a way to enjoy life, food and your body again.

One year from the pictures on the left to the pictures on the right and it feels like a whole life. And in fact it is a whole life, because I got mine back. <3