I am scared of the future. I am scared of waking up one day and realizing that what I’m doing isn’t what I’m passionate about or what motivates me to get up every morning. And I’m scared of never figuring out what my passion is - or worse, thinking that I did just to realize some years later that I was wrong.
All around me I see people who have it all figured out, while I can’t even decide what I want to eat for lunch.
Whenever I open my mouth to talk about this, people tell me not to worry so much; they tell me to “relax”, that it will come to me naturally someday. But the problem is, I can’t “relax” until I know that I am happy with what I’m doing. It’s a feeling that haunts me everyday, and I try to ignore it, I try to “relax”, but that’s just not who I am. I feel safe when I have plans, I love having things figured out and having clear goals set out.
But right now it’s all just a blur; like a camera without focus. I try to focus, I try to see the picture clearly, but that just feels impossible. Sometimes I feel like I’m finally discovering how to do it, that I am finally heading the right way - but then it’s all a blur again, and I have to start all over again.
And the worst part is, no one can really help me. We all have different camera models; some might be more similar than others, but in the end, they are all different.
People will try to help you figure out how to focus, but deep down we all know that in the end, we’re the only ones who could do it properly.
And that scares me. What if I never get it to work? What if I was given the wrong camera? I want an answer, but I know no one can give it to me; I have to find it myself.
Most days I just ignore it and try to live with the blur. But some days I get desperate. Some days I need the answer - I need to figure out how to get rid of the blur. So I search. And search. And search some more. Non stop, until my head hurts from trying so hard to focus.
Sometimes I find something to feed my immediate need, but I know in my heart that it is temporary, that the feeling of satisfaction will eventually fade away, having me hungry once more. I need to find something that will no longer leave me feeling like I have a hole in my soul; like something is missing. I need a goal, a passion: something to fill this empty space inside of me. I need to understand how my camera works, so I can finally see my future clearly.
On my way to recovery! After a small set back last night (an allergic reaction to the pain medication), I’m feeling better. 😊 I should be back to writing once I can comfortably hold my laptop in my lap. I need to keep my leg elevated and can’t put any weight on it until Monday (my post op). I also have to keep this massive ice pack on it most of the time. Boo. Anyways, I’m alive. Yay!
@bearlytolerable - I know right!? wrote a fic for her about it Incy Wincy Spider here if anyone feels the same!
I once had the same spider (I’m certain it was the same one) follow me round my house for three days!
Day 1: Comes from nowhere runs straight at me while on the house phone trapped in the hallway. I have to jump over it and run away as it corners me.
Day 2: Get out of the bath and find it sitting on my pile of clothes on the floor. Just sitting there. Waiting for me.
Day 3: Runs across my hand when I’m watching T.V! It touched me!!! Thankfully that seemed to put it off and it didn’t return but I was very traumatised.
Also one time my sister in law to be had a spider trapped in her hair. She wrapped her hair in an towel after a shower and could feel it crawling in her hair and couldn’t get it out because it was all tangled!
So, exciting and scary things today. The restaurant two down from my work has been cleared due to a bomb threat. There is police tape up, and a few businesses have been cleared because they were in the blast zone.