scales lie

when the teacher asks about human rights
the girl who sits next to you in class writes
“the right to have a sexuality”
smaller between the lines of the page
you do the same, desperate to be liked
she isn’t your friend, you learn later

“one in ten people are gay,” you’re told,
and all morning you wonder whether
someone you know might fall
into that category. it isn’t you,
it can’t be you, you’ve got a crush on
that boy who makes you feel inadequate

your best friend doesn’t have to tell you
but for four years you listen to her talk
about each unattainable girl
without ever feeling like you empathise
you tell her about the boy from english class
the one whose hair falls in his eyes

as you grow it becomes harder to ignore
you learn about other orientations
ones you hear your own parents dismiss
your sexuality falls on a scale
so you lie when taking kinsey’s test
so your result falls comfortably close to straight

it becomes much harder to ignore
when you’re suddenly surrounded by girls
they aren’t at all pretty, they’re radiant
and you swear it’s them you want to be
you don’t want to kiss them where the world
can’t see
this appreciation, it’s of their aesthetic only

and she’s like pure sunlight shining
and you wonder what it might be like to feel
her arms around your waist, her lips on yours
it’s a disaster in the end, of course
it dies a death in tears and mouthfuls of rum
but you discovered yourself in the chaos

—  sometimes coming to terms with who you are can take a while

So this is the Chescaleigh video I was referring to, she is 141lbs in both pictures even though she went from a size 12 to a size 4… This is my favorite example of why you can’t always rely on the scale to tell you how you’re doing.

Frustrating Music Student Moment #374

When you learn that when you’re changing tonalities F isn’t F anymore. Also D flat and C sharp aren’t the same thing. Basically everything is a lie.

Measuring scales is like measuring linear time: Aribtrary, inexact, and you’re better off just not thinking about it if you want to avoid existential dispair