say no to drugs!

Sometimes I wonder if demons can be inherited
if the ghosts that rode on the backs of my grandfathers and grandmothers and uncles
have somehow been passed along to me
I wonder when I will start to feel their weight.

When I was accepted to a college my mother poured champagne
and for the first time, she set a glass for me, and
I drank it slowly, trying to understand the taste
and I remember
so little, of what we said and what we did and what was planned
at that kitchen counter, in celebration, but I remember
my mother saying, of the alcohol
that it would help me sleep
and then I understood that right
this wasn’t about the taste.

They say addictive behaviors are everywhere, in everyone, that it all depends
on the drug of choice, whether it is alcohol, or sugar, or applause, or morphine, or the internet, or, or, or–

everything kills you, in the end.

I don’t drink alcohol to help me sleep
and I don’t think my parents do, either, but
I know
they measure worlds 
of just enough
born from lifetimes of escape attempts
I know
from hard experience
you can’t outthink the part of you that thinks and I stay up
till all hours, because all I want
is to be exhausted enough
to fall into bed and close my eyes
without having to race my own mind
to stay ahead of waking nightmares.

The first time I had champagne I had just been accepted into college
and my mother mentioned it would help me sleep because she had seen me, had to see me
falling apart for months and weeks and days, frantically
pulling at my own seams and wandering in circles and she
knew this, knows what it is
to be so anxious your brain is devouring itself, she had seen me, had to see this
so many times, across generations, and I wonder
if her hands shook when she poured that glass because
it would help me sleep.
I don’t know if she remembers.
I don’t know what I remember.

I wonder if demons
can be inherited, and I stay awake
I pour a glass of champagne
for my family’s ghosts
and I think.

—  questions I am trying not to answer

okay, so nz is gonna get a recreational marijuana referendum and all these ppl are losing their shit saying oh no ppl gonna get drugs… like susan relax, go back to your glass of wine and vote no on the referendum if you feel strongly. just because you oppose something doesnt mean people with a different opinion shouldnt be able to have their say….

shitty advice of a college student.

OR: some (actually helpful) stuff my first semester of college has taught me.

disclaimer: this is from the point of view of a community college student. my experiences may be different from other students, but overall I think this list could be very helpful to anyone going to a college, university, high school, or for any students just hoping to kick procrastination in the ass. I’ll probably be uploading updated versions/parts of this in the future, but here’s some stuff based on my experience so far.

  • do. work. every. day. even if it’s just a little bit of work. don’t procrastinate.
  •  college isn’t like high school; oftentimes, professors won’t expect homework from you every single day of class. usually, you’ll have due dates of when large sections of assignments or papers are due. make the most of your time. do not wait until the night before to get 6 sections of homework done by 11:59.
  • in reality, you should be doing homework and studying for every single class. but remember that you need to put more time into the classes that are toughest for you. For example, math is my weakest subject so I usually put more homework time into doing my Stats homework.
  • if you don’t want to do it, or have been procrastinating on doing it, it should be the thing you’re getting done first!!
  • books are hella expensive everywhere. if you can’t find any free versions of your textbooks online, try to buy your textbooks used. I buy all of my textbooks used, with the exception of one book which I’ve rented. Personally, I recommend buying your books bc it’s a great study strategy to actually own the books for your classes and be able to write and highlight inside of them… but this is a personal preference.
  • doing homework on your bed makes you lazy. work at a desk, library, coffee shop, outside; anywhere that will make you sit down and focus.
  • let your phone run out of battery and leave. it. alone.
  • if u don’t have a planner/agenda/calendar already then there is nothing more I can help u with pal ur on ur own
  • make a study playlist bc you’ll need it at some point. find music that helps you study the best! for example, I strictly can only study to soft music or just instrumentals, but I know some people who study really well to rap and hip-hop. find what works for you! remember this should relax you, not distract you.
  • hydrate. I keep a water bottle right on my desk when I study so when I look up I’m reminded to take a sip. being hydrated is important!!! not only will this make your body and skin happy but it’ll also make your brain work a little harder and focus more!
  • I know things can get tough and busy but pls pls eat and sleep well I’m begging u
  • follow-up to the last point: let yourself go pee as many times as you need to. it’s ok. it doesn’t count as your break. you’re not wasting time from doing work. do us all a favor and go to the bathroom already.
  • follow-follow-up: know the difference between taking a break and giving up.
  • learn how to say no to temptations like hanging out with your friends or distracting yourself in the depths of Youtube and Netflix. you have work to do and you know it!!! don’t make yourself feel bad by suffering. if you want good grades, your education (next to your mental/physical health) should be your first priority.
  • reward yourself for working hard. this could be a night out with friends, a candy bar, boba, whatever floats your boat.
  • I know it’s a drug but I don’t care what anyone says: if I need to drink coffee then I’m drinking that damn cup of coffee.
  • priority-wise, your education should always top your studyblr. every. single. time.