say it aloud in announcer voice

it starts somewhere

summary: Jyn TP’s the wrong house, and Cassian pretends to be her boyfriend to prevent her from getting arrested.

a/n: based on that one au trope about “throwing eggs at a house on a dare only to be caught by parent who is a cop and tries to cop out by claiming said son/daughter is an ex” or something like that

fake dating au bc i live for this shit

AO3

part 2


It starts like this:

The house next to Cassian’s belongs to Leia’s asshole of an ex-boyfriend. His name is irrelevant, as is his life considering two days ago, he outright cheated on her. Jyn hates cheaters. She hates them a lot. And she hates them when they hurt her friends. Which is why she is ready to set her revenge plan in motion.

She’s a quite loyal person. Really. Even if sometimes… a tad bit immature.

Leia tells Jyn her revenge plan is ridiculous and unnecessary though Jyn strongly believes otherwise. “I don’t want you to get caught by the cops.”

She waves away Leia’s worries. “It’s just toilet paper. He’ll never see me if I’m working alone.”

And Jyn is right. To an extent.

He never sees her coming because somewhere along Leia’s explanation of what her ex-boyfriend’s house looks like and where it’s located, Jyn messes up a couple of things including but not limited to—the color of the shingles, the color and make of the car out front, and most importantly, the numbers on the house.

Which is, unfortunately, how she ends up throwing toilet paper at Cassian’s house instead.

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Request: Could you do a story with harmione and another girl, and the girl has white hair and that gets harmiones attention

Hermione was on the Hogwarts Express, Harry and Ron in tow. They were looking for an empty(ish) compartment. Most of them were full so they had almost reached the end of the train. Hermione got to a compartment with one girl in it. She was striking to say the least, enough to make Hermione stop.

Ron, who had at some point passed Hermione announced that he had found a free one.
“No, let’s go here.” Hermione suggested, intrigued by this girl. Her hair was astonishingly pale and her eyes as blue as they were bright.
“What? Why?” Ron wondered aloud and ducked his head under the door of the compartment he had found. Harry shrugged and followed him. Hermione sighed, her friends were useless. She opened the rickety door with a yank.
“Hi.” She said, her voice suddenly curiously high. “Is, um, is anyone sitting here?” The girl smiled broadly.
“No go ahead.” Her eyes flitted briefly to the door. “You friends ditched you?” She asked, knowing the answer. Hermione nodded then, realising she hadn’t introduced herself said
“I’m Hermione.” She held out a hand.
“Y/N.” said the other girl. Nice name, thought Hermione.
“Are you a Malfoy?” blurted Hermione.
“A what?” Responded Y/N.

Phew, thought Hermione. There was only one person she knew with hair as white as that, and she didn’t want her newly made acquaintance having anything to do with him…

The journey went on and Hermione felt herself becoming more and more enthralled by this girl. She had transferred from Beauxbatons, although her English was perfect. She was pureblood but had plenty of half-blood and ‘blood traitor’ family members. It was refreshing to see a pureblood who wasn’t incredibly prejudiced.

“-and so at least half my family is either blood-traitor or some other form of outcast. In fact I think I have a cousin who is a werewolf, which sucks for him.” She finished explaining.
“Wow, all my family are boring muggles.” Said Hermione, without thinking.
“What? Muggles are fascinating!” exclaimed Y/N. Hermione chuckled.
“You should meet Ron’s dad, he’s mad about muggles.”

“Now, who is Ron? Is he one of the friends that left you?” The other girl asked, feigning the concern of a mother. Hermione nodded, amused. “In that case, it shouldn’t matter whether or not he minds if I do this…”
“Do wha-“

Hermione was cut off by a fiery kiss, only broken by the desperate need for breath. It was at this point that Ron made an appearance.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked, apparently in a state of mild shock.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Ronald.”

anonymous asked:

how would hyung line react if they came home to surprise you and find you dressed as a sailor moon character and standing in front of the mirror? please?

Sorry, I got to it so late!

Mark: Wouldn’t even say anything to announce his arrival. He’d go to your room, finding you in the costume and wouldn’t even say a word. He’d just silently laugh as he continues to watch you go full fledged Sailor Mars status in front of the mirror. “The Guardian of Fire and Passion Sailor Mars! You will refrain from underestimating women! And with Mars Power, you will burn! These high-heeled legs will deliver your punishment!” you’d scream. Mark would literally lose his shit and start laughing aloud in that high-pitched laugh that just didn’t match his deep voice. You’d turn around, so embarrassed but then, getting back into character you’d walk over in said heels, “YEAH, YOU BET I’M GONNA DELIVER THIS PUNISHMENT TO YOU” you’d grumble as you ball up your fist.

JB: He’d walk in and whisper, “Jagiya? Jagiya, where are you–?” he’d stop when he hears you talking to yourself. He’d cock his head to the side, “what the hell…” what you’d be saying would sound weird he’d be confused as to what was going on. “Agent of Love and Courage, the pretty sailor suited soldier Sailor Jupiter! In the name of Jupiter, I will punish you!” you’d be reciting in front of the mirror. He’d kick the partially closed door open and lean against the doorway, crossing his arms, “Agent of Love and Courage? Punish me? Well… if you insist” he’d wink at you. At first, you’d run over yelling, “Jaebummieeeee, you’re back!” but then you’d stop halfway remembering your get-up. “Oh my god…” you gasp, “Get out get out get out” you’d push him out of the room and shutting the door. “Pretend you didn’t see that, please! I’ll be out in like 5 minutes, please just don’t ever mention it” you winced. “But Sailor Jupiter was always my favorite” he’d laugh.

Jackson: “BAAAAAAAABE, SURPRIIIIIIiiiiseeeeee!” he’d yell loudly whilst entering the door and walking all the way to the room, to find you rehearsing a little catchphrase. His voice would trail off as he sees you in your little get up. “Pretty Guardian of Love and Justice in a Sailor Suit! Sailor Moon has arrived! In the name of the Moon, I’ll punish you” is what you’d be saying, doing a little kick as well. He’d burst into his loud hyena laugh, startling you initially. “HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” you’d scream over his loud laugh. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH what is this?!” he’d continue to laugh. “OH MY GOD” you’d yell. He’d give him a little kick as he fell to the floor laughing, “GET OUT OH MY GOD”. He’d still be laughing, rolling out the door as you continued to nudge him with your foot. “I come to surprise you, but I’m the one who ends up more surprised!!!” he’d screech.

Jr.: “Jagiiiiiiii?” he’d call into the quiet apartment, holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers behind his back. “Jag–” he’d begin again, but would stop as he heard you reciting something over and over. “Agent of Love and Beauty, I am the–” you stopped, “Woops” you’d clear your throat, “Agent of Love and Beauty, the pretty sailor suited soldier Sailor Venus! In the name of Love, I will punish you!” you’d say pointing at the mirror. “In the name of love?” he’d snort as he pushed the door open. “J-J-J-Jinyoung-oppa” you’d stutter. “I like your outfit…” he’d try to hold back a laugh. You’d look down at your costume and smack your forehead, “W-w-w-what’re you doing here?” you’d stutter again. “Just wanted to pay my jagi a visit… but it looks like you’re spending your free time pretty well” he’d chuckle. “I-I-I– okay, I really can’t explain this, there’s nothing to explain” you sighed.

What do you do if someone asks for your number and you don’t want to give them a real one?

There’s a new fake phone number for that: (669) 221-6251. When you text the number, it automatically texts back a quote from none other than bell hooks. Call the number and a computerized voice reads the a bell hooks quote aloud.

Tumblr promoting the “feminist phone intervention” launched yesterday, explaining that some anonymous individuals set up the phone line to help people protect their privacy while deterring unwanted calls.  

The short post announcing the phone number says:

because we’re raised to know it’s safer to give a fake phone number than to directly reject an aggressive guy.

because we’re raised to know that evasion or rejection can be met with violence.

because women are still threatened and punished for rejecting advances.

because (669) UGH-ASIF, WTF-DUDE, and MAJR-SHADE were taken.

because why give any old fake number, when you can have bell hooks screen your calls?

As far as I can tell in my very thorough experiment of repeatedly texting the number emjoi, there are only two bell hooks quotes in rotation. Maybe the anonymous creators will add more if the phone line catches on? 

Xiumin - You Work Here?

WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT

Through the clothes you had, you had seen yourself in them so many times it was ridiculous.

I wore that yesterday. That shirt is so old. I love this sweater but I dont have a shirt to go under it. You had decided it was finally time to buy new ones with the left over money from your birthday only a few months ago.

Today, you were going to treat yourself to a massive shopping spree. You thought tagging your boyfriend Xiumin along would be interesting, so you decided to call him. After very few rings, he answered with rush to his voice.

“Hello.” The smile you heard was something you could imagine seeing on his face right now.

“Xiumin, what are you doing today?” Your quirky voice springs through his mind dreamily.

“I have work.” He remembers, the smile fading. You had also remembered Xiumin telling you he got a new job at the main shopping centre close by, but he hadn’t told you which shop he actually worked in. It was like he was ashamed to tell you.

“Oh, I’m going to go shopping and it’s a shame you can’t come.”

“Well, we can catch up when I have my break at two o’clock.”

“Or I can visit you?” You suggest, sussing him out.

“I’m a busy man ____. Besides, I’ll be out the back stacking and unpacking boxes.” It’s an excuse you let slide. He’d have to show you where he worked after lunch; if not, you were going to find out for yourself.

“Okay. Well I’ll see you at two then?”

“Text me where you want to meet, okay?”

“Okay.” You make a kiss noise through the phone and listen to the one he sends back.

“Bye.” You both say and hang up in entire sync.

You were excited about the day ahead, not only were you going to shop for hours on end for yourself, but this was your chance to find out where Xiumin actually worked.

He was about to get busted.

——-AT THE MALL——-

You’d gone through so many places already, your hands full of bags for filled with clothes and the occasional gift for Xiumin and your siblings. You hadn’t seen Xiumin anywhere and you were hoping he’d soon reveal his true identity.

You walked past a jewellery store, a stationary store, and three men’s stores when you finally arrived at a place you were going to truly glorify yourself; a lingerie store.

You walked inside, looking around to find the usual two pieces and fancy, lacy, sparkly bras and panties. Towards the back were short and revealing uniforms which were something you were going to take a pass on. Sorry Xiumin.

You looked around, finally deciding to walk over to have a look at the bras. What would Xiu like? You looked at all the sparkly ones, kind of feeling put off but the whole look. You moved over to look at the lacy ones, already picking out several different colors in your size. Lace was something you adored a lot and were hoping Xiumin would do the same. You found matching panties and gathered them as well.

At once, you began to feel aroused and sexy as you thought of how you’d look in the pieces you’d taken out. You were excited to see how your boyfriend was going to react. You were coming up with scenarios in your head, just imagining him undressing from your new lingerie which he found very attractive and feminie.

It became kind of overwhelming, blushing and feeling all flustered just thinking about the moment.

You ventured around the store a little more, checking out their range of one pieces for ‘special occassions’. You were hesitant to buy one considering you weren’t exactly sure when you’d actually use it.

“Hi ma’am, can I help you in any way?” A male assistant spoke beside you as he began to load items onto the racks. He was on his knees, looking away from you but hoping to get a response. You turned to tell him that you needed no help but the person in your presence struck you amazingly. You had recognized the voice but seeing Xiumin in the stores uniform was another thing.

“Xi-Xiumin? What are you doing here?” He looks at you with a smile, confused to how you know his name but once he sees you, he knows very well who you are.

“Oh my… Um…” He pauses, “Ta-da!” He presents himself with an uneasy smile. You shake your head in disbelief.

“Why didn’t you tell me you worked here?”

“Because, it’s kind of embarrassing telling anyone that I, out of all people at school, work after hours at a lingerie store.” He continues to unpack his box onto the racks - embarrassed now that he’d been caught out before confessing where he worked.

“It’s no big deal. You should have just told me; I could get discounts.” He smiles as you walk on, following him further around the store.

“Would you like some help choosing?” He asked, looking up at the the selection above.

“No, I-I’m okay.” You stutter, looking down at the you new purchases.

“Well, are you going to buy them?” He smirks, looking down at the bras and panties you held.  You tried hiding them from his view point, embarrassed now that he’d seen what you were purchasing.

“It was going to be a surprise, but you have now ruined it.” You say as he finished unloading the box he was currently holding.

You analysed Xiumin carefully, properly recognizing how sexy he looked in the uniform. His sleeves rolled up just above his elbows; his shirt tucked into his buckled up trousers; his hair slicked up to standard; him as a whole was just so good it was unfair that you were already aroused from earlier and this just made it worse.

“I’m going to go try these on.”

“Do you need some help?” He asks just in time before you scatter away. You turned to him in suggestion, but it felt wrong to do it in a public place.

“No.”

“Well here,” He goes through a set of lingerie, trying to find the right size for you, “If you’re going to try things on I recommend you try this one too.” He winks flirtatiously.

“Xiumin…” You say, keeping your voice down. Looking around, there was only around three people in the store at this very moment.

“I’ll come to see, I’d like to see it and it entirety.

"You can’t!”

“Yes we can!” He says willingly, leading you off into the change room, enhancing the word ‘we’.

“Are you sure you’re aloud to do this? I’d let you if you weren’t in that uniform. It feels illegal.”

“Fine then,” He turns to you, “I’ll strip too.” He winks, making his way to the very back of the changing rooms to the last cubical.

“Here we are ma’am.” He announces letting the large room open with his key.

“Thank you.” You go along with his gesture and walk straight in. Xiumin looks around -nobody walking in or out at the time - so he slipped inside, locking the door behind him with the lock and the key itself.

“It’s not going to be such a surprise now, is it? You spoiler.” Xiumin only smirked, eager for you to become this sexy lingerie model.

“Do you see many women in lingerie?” You whisper, confronting him with the question that originally slipped your mind.

“No, this will be my first time.” He sits down on the small bench whilst watching you pull off ever piece of clothing.

Once you had stripped down to your original lingerie, you spoke softly to Xiumin.

“Close your eyes.” He was zoned out completely, taking in the entirety of your beyond sexy and voluptuous body. Xiumin was absolutely ludicrous for you.

“Xiu!” You hiss as he jumps back into reality, “Close your eyes!”

“I’ve seen it all before.” He murmurs, covering his eyes with his hands. You undo your boring and bland bra, replacing it with the bright red lacy one you took off the shelf. You didn’t bother changing your panties; you knew they were going to fit. The bra felt comfortable and you knew the others were going to fit perfectly too, so you didn’t bother trying on the rest.

“Can I look?” He asks, so eager to see you.

“No. I haven’t put the best one on yet.” You strip yourself bare, taking the black fitted, lacy one piece and slip into it, zipping it up on the side. The garment was almost like a sexy leotard except strapless and quite revealing.

“Can I look yet?” Xiumin whined, tapping his foot on the ground.

“Now you can.” You call his name, letting it ring through his ears. He removes his hands, looking up at you with his watery jaw soon close to reveal a smirk of complete satisfaction.

“What do you think?” Right now, you were so just thinking of ripping into Xiumin but as your sixth sense had kicked in telling you that he really wanted to dominate you just stopped and waited.

“I want to have you so bad right now. You look so sexy ____.” He was instantly hard imagining all the things he was planning on doing to you. He stood up, taking your body to his as he whispered, “I have been thinking about you in this all week.” His lips massaged the crock of your neck, feeling your body all over.

“We shouldn’t be doing this here.” You whispered as you heard a crackle of laughter hinder in the hallways of the change rooms. You heard 4 doors close and you prayed nobody was outside waiting for any of these women.

“Right, we should be doing this elsewhere.” Xiumin says, taking his keys from the door.

“Follow my lead.” He opens it, checking to make sure the coast was clear - which it happened to be. He waved his hand, gesturing you to follow him as you took all of your clothes and bag, holding them to your chest nervously.

You watched Xiumin step out and you followed him around the store room which was right beside your change room. He quickly unlocked the door and pulled you inside with him, closing the door and looking it keeping the key in the door so not even the staff could enter.

He looks at you with a smirk, “Now, where were we?” He moves his hands directly to your mounds, caressing them gently after you’d thrown your clothes on the floor. You let out a soft moan in between kisses as you undo the belt and shirt buttons that made Xiumin look professional and unbelievably attractive.

“I want you so bad ____.” He unzips the garment and removes it from your body in a moderate manner. He takes his hands from you, stripping down so he was only left in his briefs.

Xiumin bent over just enough so his face was at your chest sucking pleasantly on your breasts. A soft moan gave way as he pushed you back onto the furthest pile of boxes.

“Xiumin, hurry!” You urgently say, pulling down his briefs as you wank his erect cock gently as a gesture in which you were begging for him.

“I want to take my time.”

“We don’t have time right now. We can take our time later tonight. Just hurry up and fuck me please.” That definitely got Xiumin up and running. He takes possession of his length and rubs around your wet clit as a tease. He was all about teasing, but there really wasn’t time for that.

“Ooh yeah.” He continued to tease, pushing the tip of him inside of you, then taking himself out. You wanted to scream at him for taking so long as you were so eager is have sex right now.

Eventually, Xiumin could see how annoyed you had become and finally gave in. He pushed himself into you quickly already picking a pace he knew that’d take away the grudge you were holding against him at the moment - which it did. Xiumin stared at you, biting down on his lip every so often as what he was feeling right now was ludicrous but so arousing.

You tried hard to keep yourself from moaning or even making a noise but it was so hard when Xiumin’s sex was this good.

“Fuck yes Xiumin!” You hissed, staring right back at him, holding onto him as he thrusted hard into you without any hesitation. You felt his hands soon make their way down your body, squeezing your ass gently. At this stage you knew Xiumin was definitely enjoying himself.

“Ah yes ____!” He says in a soft voice: go through the same stubble of trying to keep his voice down. “Get down on the ground.” He whispers as he drops to his knees. You get down, laying your back down on the cool lino flooring, shivering at the touch.

Xiumin hovered over the top of you, fitting himself back into you with a deep thrust that made your back arch as your body tingled all over. He began thrusting back at the pace he had started earlier, this time using his finger to flick at you swelling clit.

“Ahhh Xiumin! That feels so good.” He bent down, slowly his pace a little as he felt the need to use his lips. He kissed you passionately, muffling your now intense moans. He often took some time apart to catch his breath, biting down hard on his tongue in order not to make noise.

“Ooooh! I’m going to cum Xiumin! Keep going!” His fingers caressed your clit as his cock furiously hit your sweet spot. Your words only persuaded him to go even harder, taking all the energy he had from him.

“I’m so close ____. Ahh!” He rolls his head back, his cock pulsating inside of you as your walls tighten.

“Xiumin!” You moaned, watching to scream in complete ecstasy as your orgasm had finally reached its peak. Your clit was utterly sensitive and your body was overwhelmed of the performance Xiumin gave.

He removed his fingers from your clit and thrusted with all his might, so he could feel his sense of release.

“XIUMIN!” You screamed, accidentally. His eyes widen and his hands cover your mouth so everything you wanted to finally get out was murmured behind the palm of his hand.

“Fuck!” He groans as he feels himself release into you, his orgasm doing all the justice ever needed.

The both of you were exhausted, Xiumin restraining himself from collapsing on you after all his hard work. The both of you smirk at each other, taking the time to remember how badass you suddenly felt for happening to have sex in the store room at his new workplace.

“We really should get out of here.” You whisper, but not making any attempt to move.

“I like it, I feel very badass.” He winks as you giggle.

“C’mon, before somebody comes to find us.” Both of you finally make a move, not taking out time to get changed at. Everything became a rush of realisation that you could’ve been caught at any moment. You were lucky you had been left alone.

“I’ll see you at lunch; close your door on your way out.” He says, kissing your forehead before leaving you in the storeroom half dressed.

 It was hard to even believe what had just happened but you definitely intended on doing it again.

Bid On Me /prologue

Summary: There’s an auction, during which you can pay, to spend a day with the singer Camila Cabello. Lauren Jauregui, who has more in common with the singer than any of us ever will, is going to try to offers more money than anyone, just to have that one day with Camila. Will she succeed? And if she does, what could happen between her and Camila?

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