savage apes

Friday Mixtape.

Jace ft.Robb Bank$ - Midas

21 Savage - Havoc

Denzel Curry x Chris Travis x Eddy Baker - Niggaz Ain’t Shit

Kodak Black - Cell Therapy

Craig Xen - Bare Flesh

SpaceGhostPurrp - End Of Stan 2

Nacho Picasso - Scooby Snacks

A$AP Mob ft.A$ton Matthews & Danny Brown - Hella Hoes (Remix)

ILOVEMAKONNEN - Sellin

A$AP Twelvyy & A$AP Ant - Poppin Bottles

GLC - Coolout

Yung Simmie - Traffic Prod

Kanye West – I Love Kanye (DJ Premier Remix)

Meltycanon - Thankful

(playlist)

When the Monkey Wrench is a Dwarven Redneck

To set the stage, our group was in the middle of the Savage Tide AP, and were about to storm a large lair of demonically-enhanced pirates. The de facto leader of our group, a self-described “paladin” (actually just a very martial cleric) named Maric, was played by a friend with sociopathic tendencies who often liked to screw with the rest of us by way of his unorthodox strategies. He was, to be fair, a good tactician, and his “paladin” considered himself the party’s resident military genius.

At the time, I felt like taking a break (with my DM’s consent) from my overly angsty tiefling, and took the opportunity to screw with our friend a bit. To that end, I created a crude, unkempt, dual-axe-wielding, dwarven ranger named Fornick, designed in every way to be ridiculous and annoying, right down to the atrocious faux Southern U.S. accent.

By the time we docked at the pirate’s cove, Fornick’s penchant for irreverent behavior and foul language had been firmly established. We headed toward the main entrance, preparing for the assault. Maric gave out his orders to everyone. Given that I was both annoying and expendable, I was at the fore, with my only real orders to be quiet until our preparations were complete.

Upon reaching the door, however:

Fornick: (loudly) “Is this the part where I’m s'posed ta be quiet?”

(surprised voices beyond the door)

Maric: (in a defeated voice) “Yes. Just…charge.”

Fornick cheers, kicks in the door, and charges forth. In the room beyond, he comes face to face with two female yuan-ti.

Fornick: (momentarily non-plussed) “Uh, d'you suppose you ladies could defend yourselves so this is a bit less awkward for me?”

(groans from the party members behind me)

One yuan-ti sorceress obligingly casts Charm Person on Fornick, whose Will save is lower than drow real estate.

Maric (still outside): “What do you see in there?”

Fornick: “Well,” he yells back, “There’s a really nice snake lady in here and…one that still looks pretty ugly.”

Maric: “Crap, he’s been charmed.”

The second yuan-ti sorceress, enraged, shrieks “Oh, that is IT!” and proceeds to cast Dominate Person on Fornick and orders him to stand in the doorway and attack any who try to enter.

Fornick (in a monotone, yet still hideously accented voice): “Yes, my master. My body is yours, master.”

The yuan-ti pair, realizing they probably bit off more than they could chew (or else simply lost their patience), used their magic to blast Fornick out the door and about 20 feet down the length of the dock. At this point, several more yuan-ti start spilling out of the lair and a pitched battle takes place on the dock. Another party member helpfully breaks the enchantment on Fornick, who promptly launches himself off the dock in an attempt a mid-air tackle on a yuan-ti who had cast Fly on himself and was hovering nearby. A mid-air grapple ensues, at which point the yuan-ti grins viciously and flies to about 50 feet in the air before breaking free and leaving Fornick to plunge toward the water.

Unfortunately for Maric, his hopes that Fornick would then drown were firmly dashed. Since everyone knows that armored dwarves and sea travel do not mix well, in creating Fornick I outfitted him with a magic ring that would cause him to unfailingly ascend to the surface upon submersion.

Fornick (resurfacing): “Don’t worry! I float like a cork!”

Maric (not nearly quietly enough): “Damn it!”

Despite being the most suicidally reckless and stupid character I’ve ever played, and despite the best efforts of myself, my party, and the DM, Fornick never died.