Smutty Sorcerer Ben Whishaw shocks the world by announcing
his engagement to Daniel Craig, Edward Holcroft, and eternal sin.
Regular readers of Manly
Men! Magazine will remember our last run-in with Ben Whishaw, flagrant magic
toddler and disruptor of family restaurants, who turned our correspondent
Paragon Shag into a Werefairy. After an intense week of eating manwiches and
listening to Nickelback, Shag had recovered his heterosexuality enough to
accompany me to the press conference announcing Whishaw’s polygamous marriage
to Daniel Craig and Edward Holcroft, his Dr.
Who and London Gay costars. When
we arrived the hall was crowded, and on the central platform, Whishaw was
running his hands nervously along the thighs of his red spandex cat suit. “Hello,
Ben!” called out the first reporter. “I’d just like to ask: who proposed to whom?
How did all this go down?”
“On all fours, girlfriend,” Whishaw wiped his lips with a
soft, trembling wrist. “It was Daniel
who popped the question to me –”
“And his hand was between my legs at the time,” Edward
Holcroft chimed in. “So we put it all together and decided on an open Satanic
union of the flesh –”
“—just like Torchwood,”
I could only shake my head. Such profane ejaculations are commonplace
when Ben Whishaw is involved.