Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess. “While our fans have long been enchanted by Belle, Ariel, and Elsa, we wanted to create a relatable princess for girls everywhere who are still virgins,” said Disney executive vice president Zenia Mucha, describing the only Disney princess who has never had sexual intercourse as a quirky, confident, and pure 14-year-old ascendant to the throne of the magical kingdom of Hazelberry. “All Disney princesses have extraordinary stories and inner qualities that make them wonderful and unique, but we’ve always lacked a heroine who hasn’t yet slept with her boyfriend or another male character. We are proud that Lily will finally provide a princess to look up to for the large demographic of young girls who, due to age, choice, or unavailability of sexual partners, have not yet experienced intercourse.” Disney representatives added that sexually active girls would also love Lily’s best friend, Princess Misty, who lives in a neighboring enchanted realm and just moved in with her slightly older boyfriend, Clint.

Things Nobody Wants

Nobody wants to be the last one outside the prison walls.
Nobody wants to get caught with a fistful of daddy’s porn collection.
Nobody wants to bum your last cigarette.
Nobody wants to know what it’s like.
Nobody wants to be the bad guy - but being the good guy is just too much work.
Nobody wants to go to IKEA.
Nobody wants to crush your dreams - nobody other than you.
Nobody is ever going to tell you that it’s time to move on - time to let it go.
Nobody that you want to hear it from.
Nobody wants to hear you whine about your fucking failures - success makes for much better stories.
Nobody wants to end up like their parents.
Nobody wants to lie to you - even though they always do.

Nobody wants to love you. The trick is to make them realize how effortlessly loving you comes to them.

Of all these things that nobody wants - absent from the list, is YOU.

But nobody wants to love themselves.

Ex-Girlfriend Totally Normal Now
Local punk Kyle Watkins, 33, made a startling discovery while stalking old friends on Facebook last night -- his ex-girlfriend is totally normal now. "I like my new life. My boys are a handful, but to be honest I would rather get peed on by one of them than some random guy on stage who thinks he’s the reincarnation of GG Allin,” McCoy said. “Fuck that shit, I drive a Range Rover now."

Ex-Girlfriend Totally Normal Now

92 Truths!

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person that tagged you.

I was tagged by i-create-fandoms​, thank you!

What was your:

Last Drink: Coca-Cola
Last Phone Call: an electrician named Jorge
Last text message: My transgender business partner/best friend
Last song you listened to: Better Dayz - 2pac
Last time you cried: “So many blessings while we stressin’, lookin’ for them better dayz.”

Have you ever:

Dated someone twice: Two times
Been cheated on: Not to the best of my knowledge - but probably.
Kissed someone and regretted it: Once or twice
Lost someone special:   …Once or twice.                                                            Been depressed: Until recently.

Been drunk and thrown up: Many times in the past - hopefully far less in the future.

List 3 favourite colours:

1. Green

2. Gold

3. Red

In the last year have you:

Made a new friend: Cemented forgotten friendships… tons of Tumblr friends.
Fallen out of love: NEVER, SADLY
Laughed until you cried: At least once a week
Met someone who changed you: Many who have tried - few did I change for.
Found out someone was talking about you: Mostly good things… mostly.
Kissed anyone on your FB list: Besides my mother?


How many people on your FB friends do you know IRL: Lots - it’s mostly Fam.
Do you have any pets: Not personally - five cat friends in the household
Do you want to change your name: Matthew means Gift from God. So nah.
What did you do for your last b-day party: Got totally drunk and laid, probably.
When did you wake up today: 8ish - got lots of work to do.
What were you doing at midnight last night: Tumblr.
Name something you CANNOT wait for: Our Denver-based MMJ dispensary, The Pineapple Exchange, is ALMOST open - mere weeks away. 8th and Federal - that big blue/green mural building. Hopefully I’ll still have Tumblr time!

Last time you saw your mother: Not long. Maybe two weeks ago.

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I could get back all that wasted time spent foolishly wishing I could change things.

That are you listening to rn: Pete Rock and C.L Smooth now.                              Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: You know, now that you mention it, I have no idea!

What’s getting on your nerves rn: Israel Vs Palestine. It’s like - the Pope says it’s cool, so let it go, y’all.
Blood type: O… something. Whichever one’s the universal donor - which is obsolete now because science. My blood type means nothing anymore! What ever shall I do!
Nickname(s): Matt, “Satire”, “Retro”.
Relationship status: Still in love with every woman I have ever met
Zodiac sign: Libra
Pronouns: He/him
Favourite TV show(s): Samurai Champloo
Long or short: Too long - needs to be shorter.
Height: 6′1
Do you have a crush on someone: some of my gas station attendants, some of my grocery clerks, some of my former customers at old jobs, as well as coworkers, one mail-lady, this girl I was behind in traffic today, this girl from 7th grade, like ten girls from high school, you, your girlfriend, possibly your boyfriend too, Taylor Swift (purely lust), Christina Hendricks (now THAT is more than lust), and probably about five more girls that I will encounter today. And David Duchovny. 
What do you like about yourself: My determination. 
Tattoos: A handful - mostly vaguely biblical artwork. The biggest is the Archangel back-piece - it’s a statue of Michael in Kiev, Ukraine.
Righty or lefty: I write with my right, eat with my right - left for the rest. 
First surgery: Almost killed by a dog at about 6 or 7 - they had to stitch my neck back together, and stick my ear back on. Still love dogs. Wasn’t her fault.
First piercing: Had my tongue for about a month - it was NOT good.
First best friend: Josh - first imaginary, then I met a real Josh.
First sport you joined: Karate
First vacation: San Francisco. Got lost - ended up in a gruesome wax torture museum, and I found a human shit laying out on the pier. 
First pair of trainers(sneakers): They were DEFINITELY the light-up kind.

Right Now

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Need to get water 
I’m about to: Write some stuff, probably
Waiting for: the Antichrist.
Want kids: No - but maybe.
Get married: Definitely not - but still maybe.
Career: Legal weed and writing - my two favorite things.

Which is better

Lips or eyes: Depends on the lips and eyes
Hugs or kisses: Depends on the hugs and kisses
Shorter or taller: Depends on the ass and thighs
Older or younger: Also depends on the ass and thighs
Romantic or spontaneous: True romance is supposed to be spontaneous IMO
Sensitive or loud: Both, at times
Hook up or relationship: Hook-up with repeat business.
Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker - definitely. 

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: One of my top-ten favorite things to do.
Drank hard liquor: Formerly one of my top-ten.
Lost glasses/contacts: Broke a pair once - never lost. Gave up on contacts.
Sex on first date: I tend to date after first sex.
Broke someone’s heart: I’d like to say they broke their own, but… Yes
Been arrested: Only once
Turned someone down: Once or twice!
Cried when someone died: Once or twice.
Fallen for a friend: Once or twice!

Do you believe:

In yourself: Endlessly - as I believe in you.
Miracles: Oil-from-a-statue? Not really. The world still standing is a miracle.
Love at first sight: It’s not always a choice.
Heaven: I believe that our brains can manifest eternity. I once had a dream that I was some sort of Viking warrior. I grew old - I fought in many battles, and I was satisfied. When I awoke, I felt older. My brain - bored with its lack of sensory input - created an entire life that passed before my eyes in 8 hours. Who’s to say that before it shuts down, it can’t give me somewhere to live forever?
Santa Claus: What do you mean “believe in?” ………MOM! IS SANTA REAL?!
Kiss at first date: Again… I’m unlikely to date what I’ve never kissed.
Angels: As in, winged beings? Nah. Positive and negative spiritual energies? Yeah, actually I do. You can say that’s dumb if you want - I respect your opinion. Though I’m pretty sure you can never prove it, and therefore your “rationality” is requiring the same sort of “faith constructs” as my “religion” is. Atheism and theism - two sides of the same coin.

Tagging: californiacougar godsprototype fooves jayare-m-q fueledbyw0rds m-exusia lines-x-lionel monita666 ethere-sourire urbandustland robertjw4688 stardustseeking writingbynash jeanlucponty scratchlessitch anxiet0ria mgreywood kittythekenzie fakesurprise thetiredwriter writerxxx stillnotwritingtolstoy likeespnorsomething dovelylovely northshoreblues

Roommate: *looks at blueprints, scenario situations, stacks of bullets, several dates of possible large gatherings of Black people, sticks of dynamics, hate speeches and letters to media, website full of hate speech*

Roommate’s thought: Okay… he’s taking duck hunting a little too serious.

Roommate’s Reaction: Well, he planned it for six months. I didn’t think he’ll like… snap. Come on… it’s not like I had a crystal ball or anything. 

P.S. - This is satire. Sorta.

Cyrnao de Bergerac. Comical History of the States and Empires of the Moon. 1657.

L’Autre monde ou les états et empires de la Lune, was the first of three satirical novels written by Cyrano de Bergerac that are considered among the first science fiction stories. The illustration above for part two, wherein a new machine that focuses solar energy through mirrors to generate bursts of air sends the narrator to the Sun. Those living on a Sun spot teach him about the solar system by relating it to how atoms move. Upon the surface of the Sun, in the Kingdom of Birds, he is tried for all the crimes of humanity, but a bird who knows him sets him free. 

I’m a female scientist, and I agree with Tim Hunt.
Nobel Prize winner Sir Tim Hunt recently caused a stir when he argued that male and female scientists should work indepe…
By Allie Rubin

“Finally, women are just too damn emotional to be scientists. One time, I knocked over a vat of acid because I saw a baby duck through a window and I couldn’t stop crying. My uncontrollable biological clock killed six people that day. While menstruating, I once savagely castrated a visiting speaker because I ran out of chocolate. These may be appropriate actions for women in the domestic sphere, but they’re certainly not acceptable in the realms of science and academia.”

This satire piece is everything!!!