The Onion editor who kidnapped us just left to buy some ravioli. We are writing this on an Onion computer, which we will probably not have the chance to use for a long time.
It started when we wrote this article criticizing The Onion, calling them unfunny and exposing the way they stalked the Area Man and publicly revealed his personal information. They attacked our offices, trying to break down our walls and forcibly remove the Area Man from his safe place of refuge.
They failed, that time.
But, just like their namesake vegetable, The Onion insists upon making people cry–especially those who question their monopoly over the world of satirical journalism. They wanted revenge.
This morning, we came into work, unsuspecting–all of us except the intern, who had taken the day off to go to the beach. We were going to get mad, but then we remembered that not only did we not pay her the full value of her labor, we didn’t pay her at all, so who were we to demand that she come in to work today? The chief editor was sipping on a triple-organic wheatgrass tea tree smoothie, while my coworkers diligently designed a new, innovative Pepe and I, while working on a story about Turkey, patiently reminded her that there could be no ethical consumption under capitalism. All in all, it was a pretty typical day.
Then came a knock at the door. It was someone telling us we should vote for them for City Council, since unlike their opponent, only they had won “Employee of the Month” at IHOP in December 2006. Little did we know they were really a reporter from The Onion. They forced their way inside, grabbed the chief editor and her triple-organic smoothie, and signaled for their backup army, who were hiding inside trashcans like the trash their writing is, to flood the premises, blindfold and handcuff us, and throw us into the van. The Area Man was allowed to walk free, but only on condition that they could report on his activities whenever they wanted.
And now we’re trapped here, in a seemingly comfortable office, but without food, water, or the freedom to engage in the noble art of quality journalism. Unless we are freed soon, or the intern decides to carry out this newspaper’s great work in our absence, you’re unlikely to see any reporting from us within the next month.